Shall I keep trying

[Emptynestx2]

First time posting and I'm scared about what might come back, please be kind. I'm sorry if post too long.

I turned 50 last year and my youngest DC left home to go to university shortly afterwards. My other DC is now living and working in London. We have been living overseas for four years due to DH job. Just for the record I have always worked until leaving the UK but it makes no financial sense here and I don't have the languages.

The point to all this is that in November I had a feeling something wasn't right, we had a row and DH threw his phone at me as I asked to check his messages. He then fell asleep and I went through the phone and found messages to and from a female colleague . They had pet names for each other and though I saw nothing sexual they had planned a night away together and were messaging several times a day.

I confronted DH immediately and he has given me a range of excuses but always swore blind nothing physical happened. Mainly it was an ego boost he says. I was still very upset and we had a month of counselling before Christmas. I felt we were getting somewhere but then looked at his phone one night and it had started again. The hurt was awful & still is, I asked why and he said he just drifted into it again.

So now we're in March and he swears it's over but he travels a lot with her for work and every time I am in pieces, if he doesn't call I start losing the plot and calling him constantly but he refuses to answer, says he's with customers/colleagues/not prepared to put up with this shit etc etc.

I'm frightened of the future without him but I'm also frightened of still feeling like this in another year or another 5 years when maybe he's done it again. I feel before we left the UK I had some independence although we decided early on that he could earn more than me and that one of us needed to be there for the children as much as possible. I still worked 25-30 hrs per week.

I now have no children at home, no job, not many friends and a husband. who has cheated, emotionally if nothing else. I'm feeling so lonely & I wish so much that I'd never left the UK but don't have the finances to return on my own. He told me that he couldn't guarantee it wouldn't happen again because he doesn't understand why he did it and wants to see a counsellor to try and understand. He now says he has no time to see a counsellor and he doesn't think I need to worry he won't do it again.

I sound so pathetic reading this back, I just want the future I thought I had. Do I stay and wait it out or try and find a way to return to the UK?

I can see how you might be concerned about counselling via Skype, but if you like your counsellor and think he or she is being helpful, then it has to be worth trying.

Friends aren't going to help much with your self esteem and confidence issues. They're not therapists, they won't know what to do. But hang on to them. Having a good network of friends is really helpful, even if they can't sort this particular problem out for you.

I agree with other posters that your husband is not good for you. But I do see that you're trying really hard to sort this out for yourself, and having counselling is definitely a good thing. Pat yourself on the back for that, and keep on with it.

I hope things get better for you soon.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

He's not trying. he's keeping his head down,hoping it'll blow over. Even without the affair, living abroad doesn't sound like what you want.

Your self esteem has taken a hammering. Keep going with the counselling. Maybe you could find an English speaking counsellor where you are? You need to get a bit of power back and, I think, enough to recognise and articulate what you want for your own life.

I think really you should be thinking of all ways to move back home, with or without him.

I second reading the Shirley Glass book, lots of useful stuff which helps you regain your sanity.

Thanks, I am keeping going with the counselling & I'll check the book out too.

I think I would like to come home and I have been looking for jobs he can apply for to enable it to happen but I don't think his heart is in it. He doesn't seem to understand the insecurity I have when he's away with her, my mind does loops wondering if they are together & what she has said to him etc etc

I don't see how he can't understand, he would hate it if I had done something like this.

I think you need to toughen up. You tell him how you feel and he just ignores you. He thinks he can carry on like nothing has happened because you have allowed him to carry on like nothing has happened.

I think you need to stop asking for things to change and deliver an ultimatum : you can't live like this and want to go back to the uk.

His response to this will speak volumes. If he values you and your marriage he will realise the depth of your unhappiness and want to put things right.

If he refuses to go back to the uk then you have two choices : tell him through your inaction that you are willing to continue as you are, or tell him that you want to separate and begin making practical plans to do so.

Surely you have a house, savings, pensions that you will receive a % of? You may also be entitled to spousal maintenance given the disparity of income and length of marriage.

Start getting your ducks in a row. How much would you need to rent a little house and live for a couple of months while you look for a job? It will be scary but imagine being free of him and how worthless he makes you feel right now.

Then imagine how he will feel when his doormat wife calls time on his shit and buggers off, telling everyone exactly why she's been forced to do it.

Empty, I really feel for you, I can read that you are trying desperately to find a solution.
Unfortunately, unless your dh realises the cruel way he's treating you... And make no mistake he IS being cruel.. Then this is your life now and for the foreseeable future.

When you make the decision to move country , the working partner has a responsibility to be conscious and supportive of the possible isolation of his/her spouse.

Currently he leaves his nice house, walks out to trips with possible affair partner. Refuses to answer anxious calls from you and won't discuss your feeling on the matter.

What is your life? Sitting at home waiting hoping desperate?

Do something for yourself. Leave. Get your life back.
I hate to see people with power within their relationship abuse it and unfortunately I've seen it far to often in x pat circles.

Hi op

It sounds to me from your posts, that you are desperately trying to find any little scrap of hope that he isn't cheating essentially so that you can believe him. It comes across that if you can convince yourself enough, effectively going in to denial you won't have to act.

I wonder if you think it might be easier to live in denial and not rock the boat, because the other option is too scary to contemplate. All the evidence and there's a lot, points towards an affair.
It's not that he want your relationship to work, it's more it puts him out if you leave, I think to him logistically it's easier to make you stay, less for him to deal with.

I'm really sorry lovely you must feel heart sick, I know I would

I cannot believe you are still there.
Still putting yourself through this.
What have you done in the months since March?
Seriously, get back and start living your own life.
You've totally 'lost yourself'
Get back here and find her and set her free!!!

I couldn't believe my ex would have an affair either, but he did. He stayed with me during the affair as he didn't want to break up until it was clear the new relationship would last; he didn't want to be alone. And because splitting up was complicated; he would have to resolve issues such as our home and possessions, our finances, who would look after the (adolescent) children. He avoided splitting up like he avoided doing his tax return, for as long as humanly possible.

As my suspicions got stronger and stronger I still didn't want to jump to conclusions. But looking back, during that time he was treating me with contempt, and I should have done something even without being sure.

Are there any international groups where you are now, or do you have contact with other expats?

he's barely applied for any jobs and gets angry if I mention it
Getting angry is one way to stop people bringing up an inconvenient subject. My ex used to do this - until eventually he just had to give me a dirty look and I would feel like I had said something wrong again. It's a good means of control.

I was in your shoes 5 years ago emptynest apart from the fact I didn't know about OW - I found that that was the reason my ExH had checked out later !

I had a small job ( teaching English) but apart from that nothing !
I left with £120 in my pocket and nothing else ( oh apart from my wonderful children) ! I stayed with relatives for a month or so and then managed to move into my own place ( housing benefit and jobseekers etc) it was a tough time sand I won't pretend it wasn't ... But you CAN do it ! I'd hoped for a reconciliation but OW moved into my place not long after !
You can do it - could you stand the thought of living line that for the next 20 years? I couldn't ! I'm happy now,have a wonderful now partner , job and my children are happy. I know it was the right thing to do as I'd have driven myself my ceazy if I'd k own what you already know !
Big girl pants time! You deserve more that this !
Feel free to pm me !

hen imagine how he will feel when his doormat wife calls time on his shit and buggers off, telling everyone exactly why she's been forced to do it.

Oh and this was the best bit for me !!!

You really need to stop relying on him to change things. You want to come home? Get the money together and come home. Leave him out there. Get back into work in the UK yourself.

If he were really trying to rebuild your trust, I could understand that you might want to stay with him. He isn't though. He started it up again once you'd found out. He gets angry when you seek reassurance. He's made no effort to find another job away from this woman. He's making no attempt to understand how unhappy, isolated and betrayed you feel when he has cheated on you in a foreign country -and the fact that he says nothing physical has happened means nothing. He's already crossed a line several times and lied. Why would you believe him on this?

Do you have a joint account? If so, transfer that money into an account of your own. If not, I'm guessing he gives you housekeeping... save as much as possible. Start looking for places to rent back in the UK where you have friends and family and you speak the language. Get an idea what jobs you can apply for.
Then tell him you're going home. It's not an ultimatum. It's a fact. If he cares about your marriage, he will do what it takes to save it. I do wonder how much of his refusal to reassure you, seek counselling and even discuss it with you is down to the fact that he can sense that at the moment you are so isolated and downtrodden that you're powerless to inflict any true consequences on him for his awful, cruel behaviour. And it is awful and cruel -to cheat on someone and then to get angry with them for not trusting you and to not do everything he can to make you feel better. He feels he holds all the cards and can behave how he likes, riding roughshod over your feelings and you will take it. Show him that isn't true.

You're right I am allowing this to happen and I have lost myself, I thought I was doing ok but I'm obviously not. It's hard to explain to people who don't know him but if you did I think you'd have a different opinion to how he comes over on here or am I still kidding myself? I think he does care for me and yes I am desperately trying to find a way, I just wish I knew the full truth.

Last month his phone pinged at about 11pm & it was her, he said she was just asking him to check an email, it set me off again.

Danceintherain - I am full of admiration for you for going back on your own like that, it must have been so hard. Moving away was a huge decision and it's been good up until the last year, I'm just so scared to throw everything away

OP, if you don't want to make the decision to leave him, don't. But do get yourself in a position where if you do decide to leave him, you can. Start with small steps like looking up a flat to rent. Look up prices for flight back home. Get some money together. You don't need to make a commitment to leave but start thinking about how you'd do it.
I think if you can get yourself into a position where you know you can leave and have a plan, you're automatically going to become more assertive. It might be that that is enough to give him a reality check and get it through to him that he can't treat you this way. He might well care for you, but it doesn't look like he can be trusted to behave fairly and considerately when he's the one in the position of power. You need to take some power back.

I think you should accept that you may never know the full truth and actually, does it matter? He's cheated on you emotionally and almost certainly physically. He not sorry and gets angry when you are miserable about being married to a cheat,meat from home.

Could you come back to the uk for a break and clear your mind plus look at ways you might make it work alone? You are entitled to half of the marital assists so could start again. I'm guessing you are about 50 so you have many years ahead of you which should be rich and fulfilling not constantly checking another person's phone and wondering who that person might be sharing his bed with.

You can do it.

Op, I just wanted to say that I really do know how you feel. I wasn't in another country but lived through the same thing. I endured it for a year before posting here and getting some fantastic advice, which I completely ignored. Our story was different, he was different, of course he cared and we'd get through it. A year later, on my knees, I posted again and this time did what I should have done in the first place. Taking back control, being assertive, it all felt wonderful. I hope things get better for you, I really do. Your story, lots of stories on here, break my heart, the unnecessary cruelty takes my breath away. Look after yourself now op, he's not going to.

It is hard ! Moving abroad was one of the hardest decisions of my life ( also for his job) I gave up my home , family a career and friends to move and I felt like a failure for coming back too so I can understand you probably feel that ! I avoided certain people who had expressed doubts about us leaving - but even they were supportive! I found that I had left l, but in fact the support system had stayed and we're just the same. They rallied round and helped with moving, finding bits of furniture for my house and with the children all this kept me busy until one day I woke up and found I had a new life !
I too came on here and people suggested OW and I didn't listen because " he's not the type" and he was a good husband for 20 years , but it's like a switch goes off in their head when they reach a certain age/ stage in life ! I bet if you compared the OW we'd find similarities!!
( just for the record - at 50 he's now married to her with 2 babies under 2 and looking older and more tired every day !! So there is some justice to the story!! 😀)

Take back control empty it seems like a long road now but the sooner you start your journey the sooner you will arrive !

Is he a very moral "good guy", like mine still thinks he is?

Thank you all, it helps a lot to hear your advice, I think that making plans would perhaps dispel some of the panic I feel about leaving which I just don't feel ready to do right now. I definitely need to get back some self respect, get fitter and healthier and more positive in general. I was in such a happy place with him when I found out that I think it's been a bigger shock than I ever imagined.

I don't check his phone any more - partly as I'm too worried about what I might find!