DD 10 is off with me

[mum2mum99]

Since she turned 10 DD1 has been giving me the cold shoulder.
Yesterday she said she hated me (they were playing a game of reverse talking, she said she loved me so soo much). I know it is only a game but she hardly makes eye contact with me nowadays. She is choosing to stay with exH on night she could be with me.
She constantly criticises me. Apparently I have no talent for anything, I am fat and hardly a fashion icon.
I tell her I love her and how fantastic she is. She is so gifted for so many things. At school she hangs out with the pretty and clever crowd.
She also keep putting everyone else down and mostly DD2.
DD2 follows her example and start staying at dad's most of the time.
I am so careful to be a good parent as I know exH is always looking for an opportunity to minimise contact with me and maximise my payments of child maintenance.
Not sure why I am posting.
I wonder where this negative image of me comes from and if it is anything to do with their dad.
It hurts, everyday.

I think your ex husband is conditioning her into acting like this

She has no sign of being close to her period, no pubic hair or no breast buds so I would be surprised if this was to be the case. Most women in the family tend to be late bloomers and well endowed.

You poor thing :( how do you react when she talks to you that way? Could be good old-fashioned boundary testing/pushing coupled with perhaps a little smack talking from your exH. She could be repeating his words to check whether they're acceptable or not?

Not that they're in the slightest bit acceptable.

Apparently I have no talent for anything, I am fat and hardly a fashion icon

These aren't the words of any 10yo I know and it seems entirely probable she's using your ex's words to put you down.

What are his circumstances? Does he have his own property, do your dds have their own bedroom there? How often do your dds stay over with him and is this contact court decreed or part of childcare arrangements determined during divorce proceedings?

Yep, she's using an adult's words to describe you. These words could have come via her friends. Or closer to home. Either way, its shitty. No advice but

loopylou6, goddessofsmallthings and Fiona ExH was emotionally abusive with me. When I divorced I did not realise it. It took some time for me to understand the mechanics of abuse. And I could not prove it now. So the childcare arrangements are in place and I have decent contact time with the possibility of extra nights. He is good at shining his halo and his family sings his praise all the time. My family is not around.
Lostandlonely1979 digs at me are not upfront but in the form of a game or written on paper. When she is being nasty to her sister or other people I ask her to speak in a nice way. This weekend I said: "try nice therapy, being kind to other people and see that you get kindness back"...well more likely.
She is due to change school soon. She previously reacted to a change in her life by taking it out on DD2.

I'd say that this looks like a normal boundary pushing mother/daughter dynamic....usually kicks in at teen age but as with everything all society etc..everything is happening earlier and earlier, particularly for young girls. I don't think it's adult language it's the language of instagram and snapchat etc ie judging and evaluating on looks.

am i right in understanding that your dds are living with your emotionally abusive ex and you have 'decent contact time'? If he was emotionally abusive to you , is it possible that he is still referring to you in an emotionally abusive way to your dds , who are living with him? Is it possible to go to counselling with them so they can hear from someone other than you that this is going on and needs to stop.

amarmai that's the case unfortunately. I tried to refer DD to counselling through school, but they said they have to have the agreement of both parents. ExH told me I am such a bad parent for doing this!
Yes he is damaging my children and I can't stop him. I can just try to be the best parent possible when they are with me.

I would be very up front with her and say things like "some of the words coming from your mouth don't sound like they came from you dd" but do not imply where she might be getting them from.

Sit her down and say "noone in this house verbally or emotionally abuses anyone" give her examples of what you mean. Tell her "you may not approve of how I look or what I wear but that is my business". Tell her it has to stop and she will face consequences.

Get tough. If this behaviour is coming from your ex it is emotionally abusive to estrange a child and their parent. You will set a dangerous precedent if she thinks you will take abuse.

I have always insisted in respect from my kids. Show her how to stand up for herself as a woman - do NOT allow her to become an abusive person herself.

I have dealt with 2 stroppy 10 year old girls and now my son is 9. To me this is very bad behaviour and must be stopped. You also need to protect your younger dd.

Emotionally abusive men frequently abuse children in the same way. You need to read the book divorce poison by Richard warshak. The book tells you how to deal with this before it's too late.

can you get a sw or counsellor to come to your home when you dds are there ?

FrancisdeSales I need to keep faith and keep fighting the battle, it is even worse when you feel the abuse is coming from your own kids. But maybe I am overreacting, she is just transitioning into a stroppy teenager. Zero tolerance approach seem to turn my place in a war zone.
Matrix, I am getting on Amazon and ordering it, thanks.

I have had two ten year old girls and this is normal and I bet you she's sassing him too but he won't let on because his perfect facade to his family might slip! Teach her what is acceptable to you and ignore him. Your relationship is with her, how you manage her moods will teach her how to manage her own; be kind, firm, fair and consistent. If she really hits your switch, leave the room! You are doing great , you cared enough to come here for advise

Mine is 10 and I was horrified how she "turned" this year. She's always been really sweet and loving. Then suddenly it seems to have changed with her challenging me in quite a rude way. I think it is hormonal/growing up/what her friends are doing.

I wouldn't automatically think it's about her dad.

I get on well with my 3 and we show a lot of affection and enjoy being together. My eldest who is 15 became a holy horror around 12 and I could do nothing right. I really thought that was the end of our easy relationship and the teenage years would be hell. In retrospect it kicked off about 6 months before her first period and seems very hormonal looking back. She calmed down again by 13 and apart from some normal moodiness it's been fine.

Our second dd is 13 in May and has done a massive amount of growing - is now 5' 5" with bigger feet than me, but still no sign of a period or massive mood change like dd1.

So 10 seems young and just because she is moody I would not excuse any behavior that crosses the line of disrespect. No need for drama but she needs to know you won't be verbally abused.

FrancisdeSales thanks it helps to see the bigger picture!