"wonderful" DH not so wonderful in 'real' life

[loopin2016]

I apologise if this post just seems packed full of resentment, I guess it is a little, but something has been really getting my goat for a few years and I just need to share it.

When I moved to DH's hometown, I was met by his very large group of male and female friends. I felt this huge pressure to prove I was good enough for him, he seemed to have this almost saint-like reputation in the group. One of them even told me that if I ever hurt him, expect everyone to hate me. Great.

2 years later, we were planning our wedding and everyone gushed to me at how 'lucky' I was to be marrying such a lovely man. Nobody ever commented that he was lucky to have me.

Then we fell pregnant and again, I was met with "he's going to make a great father you know" and again, nobody commented I'd make a good mother, or really even congratulated me. I never felt welcomed in his circle of friends and some of thw females even sought to exclude me from social gatherings shortly after we married. It got worse during my pregnancy to the the point I refused to socialise with a few of them anymore.

DH really is a lovely man, but I don't understand why he's so protected by everyone in his social group. I feel like cruella who took him away!

DS is now 2 years old and we rarely see the few people that made my pregnancy a misery, however we do still see the others. DH returned home after work last week stating that one of the ladies in the group had commented that DH should not be doing the grocery shop after he has been to work. That grocery shopping should be down to me when I'm at home. DH knows that DS is a nightmare to take to the supermarket but still came home to tell me this fact as though he had been asked to do something unreasonable on his way home from work (he gets to finish early on a Friday so why not?) I just feel that no matter what I do, I am never good enough for DH in the eyes of his/our friends.
.DH is lovely, but if they knew that I spend a lot of time tidying up after him, struggling to motivate him in general, I even had to speak to him about his personal hygiene last week after he didn't shower for 4 days! Its not the first time either...
And yet nobody ever comments on what a good job I do, what a good mum I am or how lucky he is to have me. It's like having an extra child at times and yet has an almost saint-like reputation among the people around us where we live. I feel like screaming at times...
what is this about? Why do people do this? I wish they could know, feel and understand just how frustrating DH can be and how their comments make me feel.

I would google 'passive aggressive man'. Your H is working this situation. And 'x says I shouldn't be doing this" is his poxy little message. What are his good points? At the very least you could look to move into a less isolated/isolating situation.

He will give everyone his time

Except his own family. If he is asked to do a family shop he doesn't like it and makes sure you know it. Did he really meet this woman or is he just pretending he did and she said that?

Although I must say "made my pregnancy a misery" is a bit melodramatic. Was your pregnancy truly miserable for the whole 9 months because a couple of people said he would be a good Dad?

winter That reminds me of when my uncle's (now ex) wife pointed a shotgun at him ( this is before gun laws). He drove over to his mum's house and told her what had happened, to which his mum responded "Well what did you say to make her do that?" Thanks for your support, mum.

This thread caught my eye because I saw this same thing happen in a group of post-university friends, many years ago now. I don't think the situation is not that unusual.

Basically, the person who was in the equivalent "role" to your dh op, was (and still is!) outwardly a lovely bloke, who'd had quite a privileged upbringing but had a slightly vulnerable air about him and was domestically hopeless and seemed unable to look after himself properly.

The group of lads he was with, formed a very strong bond at university and some of them kept up that friendship with the same intensity post-university (which can be quite an uncertain time with everyone finding their feet etc and people). The dynamic at university and afterwards was that these lads (who had strong personalities and were quite charismatic themselves) rallied around this bloke and looked after him and he in return added a bit of glamour to their group (and he became their 'project' and moulded himself to fit in with them).

Anyway, he clung desperately to this group for a while but then decided that he couldn't really live up to the "glamorous" role that he had been cast in and returned to his home town and met a girl whom everyone in the group "didn't consider to be equal to him" (ie the group shunned her and behaved despicably towards her). His moving back home was seen as a massive betrayal by the others and she suffered as a result of that. Their despicable behaviour continued right up to the wedding, during the wedding itself and afterwards. It was awful.

This situation caused terrible resentment and upset to her which lasted the entire marriage because he didn't tell his friends where to go but basically tried to appease everyone which of course didn't work.

The woman he married was extremely practical and competent and he went from being looked after by his friends to being looked after by her. They had children and they basically lived in lots of different places around the world. He travelled and pursued his career while she dutifully kept the home fires burning . I'm afraid his charm in the end did not outweigh his lack of engagement in family life and his domestic incompetence. I'm sorry to say that the marriage ended in divorce sadly.

Just relaying all of that because I think there may be parallels here. The group's rejection of you, may not be anything at all personal but more to do with the insecurities of the other members and the fact that your arrival on the scene "upset" the group dynamic.

I think the supermarket comment is significant though. How did your op respond to it?

If it had been my dh, he would have said something firm but polite to the woman on the lines of "it's none of your business how my wife and I decide together how to divide our household chores". In fact he has said similar things to colleagues who have criticised him for leaving work early on occasion to pick up our dd (my dh works in a profession where people work themselves to death and never see their other halves or dc because of the long hours/demands etc).

I think he needs a talking to about loyalties. Once you are married, your other half comes first. I know it's easy to say but don't allow yourself to be put in this position op and have confidence in your own worth. Be proactive not reactive. Plough your own furrow as it were and make it clear to your dh that he needs to be right up there along side you pushing that plough and bringing an equal amount of weight to it!

Good luck.

oops - I don't think the situation is that unusual - was what I meant to say.

oh dear - another error - 'with everyone finding their feet and people making decisions about their futures'

slimming Very well put. Have seen similar situations (and always this way round it seems). It seems to happen when the totally irresponsible, feckless, work shy "fun" one decides to reform. The next object of their affections gets the blame for fun-boy suddenly becoming a functioning adult.

I can guarantee that this lady will have made the supermarket comment to DH.
a) because she has an opinion on everything and it's something she would say
b) DH actually chooses to do the grocery shop as it's one of the few domestic chores he really enjoys. If I tell him I will do it at the weekend, he will tell me that he will do it after work as it helps him unwind from the day.
I think that's great that he WANTS to do it so why would another woman come along and upset the apple cart stating it to be my job ie "the woman's job?"
Why do women do this to other women? What is their problem? It just made DH feel even more 'special' for opting to help with one of the many domestic chores. I don't understand why other women do this, yet complain that men and women ought to be treated more equally. I'm gobsmacked at what she said.

DH's response was along the lines of enjoying the food shopping, rather than explaining that a perhaps I do enough and he was doing his fair share?! He enjoys his saintly reputation far too much!

In response to the poster that commented on me saying that some of his friends made my "pregnancy a misery" they really did. I dont want to go into detail in the matter but there was a lot said and done and it was very grim.
DH refused anything was going on until 6 months after DS was born and his friend commented "the way they treated DW during her pregnancy was bang out of order" He came home with his tail between his legs, full of apologies after realising I'd been right all along. He's much more supportive most of the time now.

SLIMMING: The DH in your story is so similar to mine- the air of vulnerability etc, even his DM thinks he's hard done by if he has to wash the dishes! I think it's a role he's taken for much of his life. He has improved massively since we first met so I can't complain too much.

What is it with some women? Aren't we supposed to be supporting each other? Many of us are in a similar boat.

Another female in the group commented to DH shortly after DS was born "I'll bet it's lovely going home to a clean house with dinner on the table now that your DW is on maternity leave."
I was shocked again.
Colicky baby, no sleep and a pristine house? It's interesting to add that after she had her baby shortly afterwards, her house was as messy and crazy as mine. Not sure what the game is here, but it's all a little weird.

He really does need to ditch these 'friends'. Why are you putting up with such blatent disloyalty from him? And it is disloyal if he does not put these women back in their box every time they say something so inappropriate.

I would really try and make new friends so that you and dh have made them together and your whole social life doesn't revolve around his friends. Or prioritise your friends a bit if you have some.

I say that as the dw of a "pack" person after 20 years experience of trying to fit in and be accepted. I am to some extent. But they'll never really be my friends. What I regret is investing so much time in them and not using the time to cultivate new friendships or develop ones with my own friends. I find his friends fill our diary but I'm left feeling a bit luke warm after meeting up with them.

Dh is similarly - charming, a bit helpless which seems to invite family and friends being protective over him. They can't bear to hear a word said against him which is very trying for me.

On the whole I think they're throw away comments. But remember it's your home, your family and anyone else frankly can sod off because how you and dh choose to organise your lives is nobody else's business. If he wanted a 1950's housewife, I'm sure he would have chosen one.

'What is it with some women? Aren't we supposed to be supporting each other? Many of us are in a similar boat.'

The problem isn't with these women, it's with your disloyal, disrespectful, spineless husband who doesn't tell people where to go when they spout claptrap about you and his family because he enjoys being fawned over too much.

Agree with Expat your DH loves the hero worship far too much which is pathetic frankly. He needs to tell them to butt out & remind them how lucky he is to have you.

I tend to agree with PPs. Most people (though there are exceptions) will broadly only say what they are 'permitted' to say to another depending on the boundaries that have been drawn in that particular relationship.

I can't believe all of these people who disparage you to your husband, or directly in front of you both, are all exceptions to this rule. Your husband seems to have consistently allowed them to say such things. It really isn't on.

He's cast himself as either a god or a martyr. Either way he is full of shit.

All his friends seem to be casting you in the role of the subservient wife and he does not seem to mind. You are someone not for yourself but your are the wife of him. There is nothing for you to gain in being his shadow. Cultivate your own self, your own brilliant. Get friends who sing your praise and see how he reacts. Start acknowledging your own priorities. You are worth it.

This^^ from mum2mum99 in spades!

I'm slowly but surely creating my own friendships outside of this group and I admit I feel a lot better for it. DH has cut off 4-5 of the 'closest' members of the group following their negativity so he is improving slowly.
I spoke to DH about the supermarket comment and he said that it was said as more of a joke and that I was being quite intense about it and should have just found it funny.

I think I am a little over sensitive to what other group members say and am easily taking things to heart, so perhaps I need to relax s bit I just have my guard up so much with these 'friends'
Either way, it's not that funny a joke... is it?!

Make your own friends. his ones are weird-and very intrusive.

The supermarket comment could have been a joke or lighthearted or meant nothing. I wonder why your dh then repeated it to you?? It is a bit much for him to report the comment to you (Like what are you supposed to do with it- agree? disagree? what?) and then tell you you shouldn't have taken any notice. I think he likes all the attention and the martyr thing.

And if my dh ignored my complaints but paid attention when a friend pointed out to him that people were being mean to me, I'd be so f-ing mad.

Also, one thing I have learned in life is people tend to take you at your own valuation. Next time you hear a comment about "aren't you lucky ..." or "isn't he great ... " say "how funny, actually my friends and family think he is the lucky one"

Sensitive...that's bs.
It is another way to dismiss/belittle/degrade you for having the audacity to call them on their behavior. Do not accept the "sensitive" label.

These people are not friends. That your dh has dropped a few of them shows that he knows this. They are sabotaging your marriage for entertainment. Stop putting up with it and dump them all.

I think DH repeated it to show me how grateful I ought to be that he's doing the grocery shop on my 'day off.' I often think he tries to make flamboyant statements through indirect comments and comparisons.

Believe me. DH faced the consequences of taking his friend's word over mine for a long, long time. His defence was knowing them longer than he's known me so feeling he knew better of them. The loyalty chat set that straight.

I know DH'S past behaviour shows a lack of respect, loyalty, understanding etc but he really has tried to make huge changes over the last year or two. It's just now and then we have to real with a snippet of the old stuff.

*have to deal

Maybe your friends are praising you to him ?
I get this from DPs friends and it makes me feel very proud