How do you deal with difficult il's?

[goodolenc]

Nc'ed as really I don't want things to get any worse and I need to get this off my chest or I think I'll explode! I'm sorry it does seem long. It is small in the grand scheme of things...

My sil (dh's sister) and her dh live a couple of hours drive away. They don't have dc's, we do. They come over to visit my mil nearly every weekend and I'll get a text on the Saturday from them asking if they can come round 'for a cup of tea' but they end up staying several hours. That means extra shopping, making a more 'adult' meal than I'd normally make if it were just us and all the cleaning up afterwards. I invite mil too as I don't want her to be left out at home although she takes off after a couple of hours as she's invariably busy. She is lovely.

After more than a decade of trying, I've accepted that I don't get on with my sil. We both make an effort, but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells the whole time and can't relax. They don't muck in with helping and spend as little time with my dc's as they think they can get away with can. They tend to plonk themselves down and wait to be offered things and don't help tidy up etc. Last time I watched them glance round my dining room and kitchen taking in the mess etc. and with relief happily trot out the door with nary a backward glance. If I ask them to help they'll shift a couple of plates 3 metres. Will revert back to useless the next time. My dc's miss out on our attention as I'm cooking and dh is chatting so end up spending the afternoon entertaining themselves.

These regular visits are beginning to seriously piss me off. I hate the late notice (they know, but they 'live in the moment'). I think it wouldn't be so bad if I liked sil, but I feel that she looks down on me, so when she makes an effort to chat I feel patronised. She takes offence very easily and I usually put my foot in it (don't mention the war). It's so awkward! We are on completely different wavelengths.

When they do come round I want to be welcoming and a good host, but I feel resentful, so I am not as welcoming as I'd like to be, and then I feel even more resentful! Arhgghg I don't want to put dh in the middle of this. He would do as I ask but I don't want him resenting me, I want him happy too! I can't really talk to him about it as he doesn't really see the problem between me and sil.

What I really want is everyone to be happy, and no-one resentful, and everyone pulling their weight without any confrontation. Happy families.

My plan:

Dh can do the shopping and cooking next time. I will spend more time with the dc's and less on entertaining them.

I can occasionally say 'no, sorry, too busy' even though we're just relaxing at home. But actually dh refuses to lie so he'll come out with something like 'goodolenc doesn't want to see you this weekend'. Diplomacy is not in his dictionary.

Dh can go and see them at his mum's. But then we miss him! grrr

Invite ourselves over to mil's place, or even to sil's although I think this is rude and would feel guilty. (Yes they do do this to me all the time.)

Any other coping strategies? And how often is reasonable to see in laws? Is it reasonable to say 'not every weekend', or even just once a month? I've lost all perspective.

Thank you for reading.

If it's DH that they want to see, then it's DH that they see. You take the dc out for a special day, to the sea life centre or to a children's theatre show; something really special! Take them out for a nice tea and have a thoroughly lovely time, whilst dh keeps up the weekly hosting of his family that he has committed to.
My ils were awful with me and it took me 17years to learn to just step away & let them get on with it.
I'm not suggesting that things are so bad with your ils, but if dh has given his blessing to these visits, without taking your or your dcs feelings & needs into consideration, then fine, he hosts & panders whilst you & the dcs have some quality weekend time together.
You and your dcs have rights too, just take them.

You will have to accept that you will have to be the bad guy and suppress your people pleaser temdencies. You will feel guilty. You will feel weird being rude. You will feel weird letting your DH be upset by it all but not doing anything to "fix" it. They are piss takers who stomp all over your boundaries. Being nice isn't going to work.

The only person upset and resentful is you. Everyone else has it sweet. Really sweet. Of course they'll pressure you every which way to keep their sweet deal. MIL will get"offended", SIL will ignore you and turn up anyway, DH will "not see the problem" with you and SIL.

If you want it to change, there will first be a period of turmoil in which everyone hates you for becoming "difficult". Once you accept that your new role is being the "difficult" one then everything else becomes much easier. I speak from experience.

I think what's going on here is that people are being themselves, except the op who is not able to. I think therein lies the answer. It's ok to be yourself. Let the cards fall as they may, and let others be themselves too. Your mother in law needs to see that things have moved on for women now. So you get to be you too, doing things the way you want to do them and spending your Saturday's how you want.

It sounds as if your in laws want to come and hang with their brother, and that's what they would revert to given the choice, nd it is in your house, but your husband loves there too and it seems that he'd like to do that too. So let them, but they have to see that it doesn't have to impact you hugely every time. Then it's just the practical jobs that need deciding on on the day.

So how often would you have your il's round then?

As often (or not) as I wanted to.

Especially if I didn't like them and they were taking the mick. Definitely no more than once every two months and maybe much less.

Agree with NannyOgg. If you rarely go to visit them I don't see why you feel so obliged to host. You don't have to spend time with people you don't like just because you have similar DNA.
If your brother enjoys spending time with his sister and wants to see her every other week that's different although if he knows you aren't keen you either come to a compromise on visit frequency or you go out and leave him to it.
Being "family" isn't an excuse for walking all over people.

Thank you thank you everyone. I feel like I have permission now to feel the way I do! I was feeling resentful and guilty for feeling resentful! It's hard to keep some perspective when there's no back up in rl.

my sil commented recently that another family member was an exceptionally good host. Always welcoming and warm and didn't seem to begrudge the extra work. I wondered to myself what she would say about me.

I'm not an exceptionally good host, I'm a very average one. It's not on my list of life priorities.

Good

my sil commented recently that another family member was an exceptionally good host. Always welcoming and warm and didn't seem to begrudge the extra work. I wondered to myself what she would say about me.

It would be interesting to know how often Sil descends on this family member expecting a cooked meal ?

I can't imagine it's as frequently as your visits and I would say it's it's easier to be a good host when you host rarely.

Only upon invitation Bertha!