Those of you who grew up not seeing your dad

[Molly333]

Hi I would appreciate any feedback from how your life panned out and how you emotionally coped please . The train being my children hvnt seen their dad for about four years , he of course tell everyone he's desperate to see them but in reality he can't be bothered and has let them down spectacularly as well as abusive . So I know they are best not seeing him but I can tell they still feel sad and different

Amazing stories to hear Thankyou all for sharing x

I never met my dad. He isn't even on my birth certificate, DM left him when she was pg with me. She never talked about him much but when I was younger she told me that it wasn't safe to be around him. I've always trusted her judgement and I don't think about him much now tbh. I have a big family on my DM's side and with my stepdad (DM got married when I was 13) so I feel I have enough family relationships through them. I've had good relationships as an adult and I don't think it's affected my confidence.

My mum chucked my dad out when I was about 10ish. Contact was sporadic for about a year until she stopped it all together when she found out he'd taken drugs in front of us. I saw him for a few months at 16 but it was clear he hadn't changed so I personally stopped that. He tried to make contact last eat (I'm 30 now) and I told him I didn't want to see him. My sisters saw him but then it fizzled out again.

My experience with him and my mum's subsequent partner who was physically abusive to her has left me deeply untrusting of men... my first long term relationship is my current one and we've been together 2 years. It's been a hard slog to trust that my dp won't fuck me over like my dad did. My sisters (both younger) went the other way in that they both crave affection and attention from men and as such have both bounced between relationships since they were about 15, often abusive, but they keep going back. Obviously not all my dad's fault but I place a large amount fo blame on his general shittiness.

My dad left when I was 4. I remember missing him. Saw him sporadically. He was abusive to my mum, she bad-mouthed him for years, still does, which I totally bought into until I forgave him as an adult. Get on ok with him now but still feel a bit disappointed really. Have history of relationships with abusive men, struggled to say no to sexual advances and always tried to please, to my detriment. Low self-esteem I suppose. My sister also has trouble trusting and gets into "fix-me" relationships with losers.

So yes, it effected me. But my dad is my dad and I think he does love me even though he's useless and a piss-artist.

I had a lovely stepdad who died not long ago and I now feel so sad for my little brother (was his dad) and a bit guilty that mine is still alive so making the most of it.

August your brother probably feels guilty he had a lovely dad and yours is useless and a piss artist. Sounds like your mum was right to keep you away if he was abusive.

I hope you work on your self esteem to give you the strength to stay away from losers, just like your mum did before you.

OP my dh grew up without his father as his mum change threw him out while pregnant due to finding out about gambling and alcohol addictions and he'd took all the money saved for the baby and blew the lot.

He grew up in poverty but well loved and he had a strong male role model in his grandfather. He has no regrets about not being part of his father's life.

zaurak that's what I am hopefully doing. I'm not painting a perfect picture of the dc's absent dad, they know daddy was grumpy and not very good at being part of a family, I hope that's age appropriate for 9 & 7. However I don't slag him off and will also happily talk about his positive points and answer any questions they have.

It's been seven years now and while he has always paid maintenance I do hope he lies low during their childhoods and teenage years. I just try to keep home life stable as much as I can, no opportunity for me to have relationships so they won't be subjected to me having a new partner at any point.

The one thing mine don't have is any mail role models at all. No family, just my step dad we see a few times a year. That does worry me.

I had no confidence with men as a young woman and made some pretty shit choices because I was pathetically desperate to be loved and rid myself of that 'must be something wrong with me' feeling.

And actually I'd say when I got into 14-16 I was quite needy (and a bit obsessive and weird) with relationships, wanting people to like me and always assuming that they didn't.

This was me exactly as a girl. Except that my dad was always around, and still is (and is still as twisted, strange and emotionally abusive on occasion).

Actually, if I was 100% better, I probably wouldn't have got together with DS1's dad. Who, yes, abandoned us, and now goes round telling everybody how heartbroken he is not to see his son. We went to mediation a couple of years ago, and sorted out a contact agreement. He saw DS 3 times, and then disappeared off the face of the earth again (he hadn't gone far, he lives very locally, he'd just met someone new and got her pregnant). Now he's got back in touch and wants to see DS again, but my answer (advised by MN ) was a resounding silence.

It's tough, as DS is now 6 and says he wants to see his dad a lot. I don't want to badmouth him, but neither do I want to tell him that Daddy loves him, which is not true. I normally settle for "Your dad doesn't see you because he's not very good at being a dad".

This is really useful to read. My little nephew may well grow up not knowing his violent mum so its good to know how to talk to him about it.