Terrified, insecure, overweight, middle-aged single dad, clueless about other people. Now tell me why I should try dating.

[SisyphusDad]

I’m a middle-aged, overweight, single (widowed) father to two pre-teen DSs. I have mental health problems that long, long pre-date my bereavement. They leave me feeling depressed and very anxious and insecure. They also mean that I have an Aspergers-like (complete lack of!) understanding of people and have never, ever been able to develop any form of successful (to my mind) long term relationship, from friendships to my late OH.

The idea of dating – or more particularly trying to build a successful relationship – terrifies me. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m convinced it’ll all go horribly wrong and I’ll get badly hurt and discouraged. Again.

I know I’m very needy and would have to fight really hard to keep that under control. Such inequality is no basis for a decent relationship and very unfair on a partner.

What I’m looking for, I guess, are some reasons why, in spite of all of the above, I should ‘throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in my sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.’

All other things being equal, would you have the patience to give me a chance, or would you run a mile? I’d really appreciate your thoughts. Honest ones please, but be gentle!

Like what and Rom I'm wondering what can you offer a future partner. What are your good points?

4 years ago I was a middle aged over weight widowed man. Initially I thought dating was the way forward, but it was a shambles - I wasnt in the right place.

I have spent these years getting myself physically fit so I can feel good about how I look, I started new hobbies, met new people and am now in a wonderful relationship.

Look after yourself. The rest will fall into place.

Has your therapist literally said she wants you to start dating, or just that you need to engage with the world? Some therapists are of the opinion that problems relating to people due to traumatic experiences (don't know about other causes) can only truly heal in a romantic relationship. I think, however, that this fails to take into account the needs of that other person. Okay, if it is your longterm partner, who is invested in you getting better; not so much if it is someone you seek out specifically for the purpose. That would be, as PP said, using someone for your own benefit. Again as other PP said, get yourself in a better place by keeping up therapy and learning to relate to people through everyday relationships. And discuss your misgivings about this idea with your therapist, because the thing you need to learn foremost is trusting your own intuitions, and it's clear from your OP that you do not feel ready or even willing to date. Which makes perfect sense!

Totally agree with posters above who say that engaging with the world isn't dating the world!

Another thing to consider... If you date now, you run a higher likelihood of attracting someone who is a 'rescuer' who wants to fix you. Are you thinking that's good? It's not. I don't mean someone being supportive and caring in a ordinary way. I mean someone with their own issues stuck in that dynamic. And their issues could hold your development back as they have a vested interest in you remaining their 'project'.

Work on yourself, develop hobbies.

In the nicest possible way, it sounds as though you have fixated on 'dating' as the solution to your issues -- it totally is not.

I understand how it feels to be lonely, and I can see why you would very much want to be in a loving partnership, for emotional, sexual and practical reasons. But, given what you've said about your emotional state, you don't have much to offer a partner. You would be wanting her to solve your problems, and that's not fair.

You claim your therapist has told you you need to start dating, and I have to say, I'm not convinced that he/she actually said that. I think you have interpreted his/her advice for you to get out and meet people as "get out and date people". Was that really the advice you were given? Or is it what you'd like to do?

You want us to tell you the same, because you want to believe that, despite everything you've said, you can find a girlfriend and she'll make everything better. I don't think anyone here is going to give you the permission you're after.

And, (at the risk of hurting your feelings) don't dress up desperation as devil-may-care bravery. You want to ‘throw off the bowlines' and 'sail away from the safe harbour'? Or you you mean 'make reckless decisions that I already know to be a bad idea'?

Yes, I agree with everyone else.

I am a single mum of 2 children in my 40s, I'm taking a break from dating and relationships and am working on being the best version of me that I can be. Because I want someone who is the best version of them that they can be.

I don't want to be part of someone's recovery process.

Do you work? What hobbies do you have? As others have asked (and you have so far avoided answering), what are you good points? What do you have to offer?

I would work on being the best version of you that you can be, otherwise you will only attract someone as equally damaged amd that would be a terrible idea for all of you.

OP I'd be wary after your first post. After saying you need a relationship to heal I would run away. I'm not someone's counsellor. I'd like a boyfriend, not a patient. Of course I'd support a boyfriend but why would I go out with someone who needed fixing?

I think just losing weight can work wonders for your self - esteem. If I were you I'd ban yourself from a relationship for 1-2 years. In that time you lose the weight and throw yourself into finding things you really love. I think something like scout leadership or am-dram or a sport looks good. Something that you can really get your teeth into and that is character building. The more you develop yourself, the more secure you will feel and the less you will need others. End result is you become a more attractive prospect as a partner.

With my relationship experience I wouldn't now date someone who had a vast way to go in being secure/not needy. I've done a lot of work on myself and I have no desire to fix someone else. It is suffocating. I'd rather be single.

Incidentally I always recommend doing a Whole 30 if you have weight to lose. It changes your life. (Plenty of info on google)

The good news though Sisyphus is that it's within your power to make changes. You're already in therapy and sound self aware. That puts you a long way ahead of those who can't or won't accept help or who think they're fine when they're not.

What things interest you? Can you join a walking group or a book club? Things which are both sociable and involve an activity would help. You can avoid the awkward pauses of dating when there's a different purpose to what you're doing.

Placeholder whist I properly read and digest all your well considered and constructive replies.

Thank you.

OP dont worry too much about your weight. You tackle that WHEN and IF you want to. Ive lost 10 stone but did it for ME when i was ready.

It does improve your life but it dosnt magically make problems disappear. You just end up dealing with them while wearing a smaller clothes size.

Just thought id inject some realism having tackled weight myself.

You need a social life and company. I think k if you persevered with those a relationship would come naturally. If you od you will likely meet just one person which can be isolating in itself.
You are plenty good enough to have a relationship but from your op it seems that sustainable socialising is what you need. I think you might overload a potential partner and I deeply sympathise having been there as a traumatised lone parent.

Helena - I agree to a point, but being middle aged and overweight can bring about a whole other set of problems that you really don't want to have to deal with on top of everything else.

OP you sound like you have a good level of self awareness, which is the first step in recovery. Plus you are seeing a therapist - great.

I think you aren't quite so far off being ready to date as some posters on here seem to be saying. Yes, you need to do some work on yourself, but you're on the path.

Give it a year. A year in therapy is a long time. I bet by then you'll be in a much better place and you'll know you are ready to start dating when you are not expecting a relationship to 'heal' you.

There's only ever one person you have to live with, and that's yourself. Once you make peace with yourself everything else will fall into place.