When will this sadness ever end? NC with mother and siblings.

[TimeToMoveOnNow]

I have posted about my situation a lot over the last few years. Been given some great advice about moving on, fuck them (my family), don't even think about them, you don't need them in your life etc. BUT I still cannot escape from this intense sadness about not having my mother (and my siblings) in my life. I won't know when she dies, I don't know where she's living, I will never see her again. She could die at any time now due to her age and knowing her, she will never try to make peace with me, she will probably tell my siblings not to tell me.

This is going to hang over me for years to come.

I have said some unforgivable things (according to her) but which were my truth and also wrote a letter to a sibling (after they blackballed me) telling my side of the story and about the sexual abuse that went on but which the older siblings would not have been aware of as they were at boarding school. I know I will never be accepted back into my family now that I have brought my mother's abusive/neglectful parenting into the open. My siblings don't agree with me of course and I have been painted as crazy and trying to blame my life choices on my mother.

All the 'family' things my DC have missed out on like weddings and christmases cut me to the bone. They cut off my DCs like they were nothing despite having a relationship with them for years. My mother used to say that my DD was her favourite grandchild. I still do not understand how they could do that.

I have been in a deep albeit functioning depression ever since my mother cast me out. Whenever I try to be happy and move on, there is always the reminder that 'your own mother doesn't care if you are dead or alive, what does that say about you?'.

No amount of therapy will change that basic fact.

Sometimes I think that despite my mother being what she is, I should beg her to forgive me and accept me back into the fold just to end this emotional pain but I know deep down that she would just use my 'weakness' against me and would probably refuse. My siblings would do me harm if they saw me apparently (none of us live close to each other so no chance of that).

What can I do to end this sadness?

I have read, so many times on here, people saying that they feel free and so much better since they went NC with their toxic families. I keep waiting for that - WTF am I doing wrong!

When you say no amount of therapy will change that, have you had any therapy? Bcs ime therapy very much did change things for me re toxic family, estrangement, scapegoating etc. I can honestly say in at peace with it all now. Actually, get a lovely squiggly feeling in my stomach at the thought I'll never have to see them again!

You are stuck in grief and you need professional help to shift it. This means chipping away at it from many angles until the knot loosens (mixed metaphors!) and eventually falls away.

You are adding 2+2 and getting 100. Your mother hasn't rejected you bcs of you, your mother has cast you out bcs you told the truth. This has nothing to do with you yet you are taking this right into the core of you. The pain must be immense.

I know what I'm saying here, I've been where you are, I know that profound, lacerating pain. It was bcs I got my wires crossed and thought being cast out was a reflection on me as a person. It really isn't

Look at Melanie Tonia Evans who discusses recovering from narcissistic injury (Google that phrase too). Imo you are going to need ongoing professional support to make headway with this - as I have done and many like me.

Also try and work out what you are grieving for.

Are you sad because you miss your mum?

Or are you sad because now she will never have that epiphany where she becomes the mum you so deserve but tragically don't have.

Are you sad for not having her toxic influence in your life anymore?

Or are you sad for the little girl who needed a mum?

Think back to what is was having your mum and siblings in your life (honestly) do you still have those feelings? The dread, the low self esteem, anxiety? (Theses are my feelings whenever I have to see my mum btw)

Have a real good look at what you are sad about. That might help move on.