Is he pretending to love me?

[clementeena]

Is it possible for a man to show very great care physically but for him to not actually really care about you? My bf says he has to have that good emotional connection to have sex. The sort of thing I mean is like him very gently cuddling/nuzzling you, taking great care of you sexually but afterwards just wanting to be alone? Is it possible to share such intense intimacy in a very loving caring manner but not really want to engage much in other ways in life? I guess I'm answering my own question here, that yes, some people can give it all between the sheets and not continue it outside. But I would find it very hard, probably impossible to do the same. To be so caring and loving & giving sexually but not want to share some of that closeness in day-to-day living. I couldn't help but tell him 'I love you' during sex as it is so incredible I feel this amazing surge of intense love but he hasn't said it back...yet.

Having a great and intense sexual connection doesn't mean there is actual real love there. The sexual connection can feel like love at the time but unless the connection continues when you're out of the bedroom it probably isn't.

Do you mean your relationship is just sex, no dates, no normal day to day stuff and not wanting to see you inbetween?

We do have dates but not very often as he has lots of other commitments. The dates are usually big-ish though.

What does big-ish mean?
Like, he doesn't want to just hang out with you over breakfast at home, but he likes grand expensive gesture dates like a night away in a posh hotel sort of thing? If so, that would suggest that he's not that bothered about you, just likes someone to do big dates and have sex with.

And yes, he can enjoy that kind of sex without love. Plenty of people get turned on by pleasuring others, without it actually being love.

I'm sounding quite harsh with not a lot of detail so could be wrong - but your comment about not seeing him often because of other commitments makes me When you love someone, you make time for them.

Oh and if it's early on and someone understandably isn't in love yet - if you like someone, you make time for them. Other commitments doesn't sound promising at all.

When I say I don't see him often, it's not often enough for me. We're averaging about twice a week. We usually do something nice over the weekend & I stay over & we linger somewhere nice over breakfast after. He can't come to mine as I have dcs & I'm not introducing them to someone who isn't going to be around for the long term.

So how long has it being going on for?
Is the problem just that you want him to fall in love with you and he hasn't yet?
You didn't make it sound like it was as much as twice a week! And you said it was his commitment, but are you available much more, with kids and your own life?

I'm struggling a bit to understand here OP, sorry.

I'm reading this as the problem is that you don't see him often enough, although you do spend weekends together. Plus you think he's 'pretending' to love you?
If he hasn't told you he loves you,and reading the thread it sounds like he hasn't, how can he be 'pretending'?

How long have you been together? And how easy would it be for you to see him more often, considering that you do have DC and you're (understandably) not ready to introduce them yet?

he sounds like he's giving you exactly what you want and in turn he's getting exactly what he wants.

If he wanted an emotional connection then that should be happening outside of the bedroom as well as inside. if it isn't, then some things not quite right is it?

Can you explain more what you mean by not being close in day to day living?
And wanting to be alone after sex?
Your first post is a little at odds with subsequent ones... but your gut is telling you something. What happens when you're NOT having sex?

In order to find someone sexually attractive I need to have an emotional connection with them first. I realise that's unusual but it's how I'm wired. I don't need to be in love with someone to have an emotional connection yet without the connection I don't feel attraction.

Is that what your boyfriend is trying to tell you?

I guess I have my answer, if he can't/won't/doesn't want to spend more time together then he's just not that into me. I'd love to be able to have 'mini-meets' sometimes, where maybe we stop for a quick coffee together etc but our timetables don't allow it. Also I drive but he doesn't. I have teens at home I'm wary of introducing him to incase it doesn't work out but his house is empty, so we always meet at his. We'll see what this weekend brings.. I don't want to be someone's 'great sex' but little else.