OLD - man chatting regularly but not meeting, what to do...?

[Destinysdaughter]

I 'met' a guy online about a month ago, we've had lots of chats on whatsapp and on paper we seem pretty compatible. He doesn't live near me, half hour train journey away. He says he wants to meet but always seems too busy. At one point I asked him outright if he was married/attached and he said no, just had a lot on. He runs his own business, some kind of investment thing. He texts me every single day, has talked about things we could do together and seems pretty honest but I'm getting fed up with it now. We were going to meet this Friday but he's said he's got an American colleague with him, but 'should be able to meet soon'. I feel like saying, actually let's leave it as I don't feel like you really want to meet but maybe I should give him a chance and at least meet in person? There may not be any chemistry anyway but there's only one way of knowing. What should I do...?

OP with latest update, you should just cut your losses.

He's clearly living some sort of fantasy life, and I suspect you're giving him more headspace than you should simply because he's UK based and roughly your age.

My experiences with OLD were to exchange a few emails see if you seemed vaguely compatible ( and didn't make any obvious grammar mistakes) then meet up asap. One time I had a number of long protracted calls with someone and then when we met I was obviously a disappointment to him, he said so himself, but because we'd spent so long on the phone I'd built up a fantasy relationship and forced myself to spend an excruciating evening of feeling that I hadn't lived up to my online persona.

He's a fantasist. Move on!

He is living fantasy relationship with you.
It is unhealthy and very shallow.

Stop communicating and wasting your energy.

holiday spreadsheet. I could use some help with my spreadsheets actually .......
(Not helpful, sorry. Yes leave it OP, he sounds like a loon).

Have you googled him?

When I signed up for OLD the first time round I had been dumped and I wanted an ego stroke so although I was single I didn't actually want to meet up with anyone.
In my defence (if there is one) I was a lot younger!
so he may not be in a relationship or he could be in a bad one and as a PP said he wants to see if he's still got it.
bin him off!
Fwiw I met my partner on OKCUPID. We met within 3 days.

Regarding outright lies about being married, I had one like this who told me he had been divorced 6 years - turns out he was living in the family home with three kids. Don't underestimate the lies some people tell.

Holiday spreadsheet when you've never even met?

Creepy and weird.

I haven't googled him as I only know his first name!

Give him an ultimatum - meet me for coffee at 11am tomorrow at whatever coffee shop, for example. If he makes an excuse, no matter what he says, draw a line under it and move on.

Next time, meet up within a few days, it saves wasting time chatting to guys you may have zero chemistry with irl.

As a bloke, I think you're massaging the ego of a married man there. Withdraw, you're not going to get anything from this

I think you're massaging the ego of a married man

Or the ego of a man who isn't married but just isn't really that interested - who only wants to chat and nothing more.

Either way - what's in it for you?

Hmmm after many years of OLD (including meeting DH) I think the best explanation of his behaviour is that he's not that into you. The worst is that he's married and/or a bit crazy.

It's not that hard to meet someone for a coffee if you really want to. Don't ingratiate yourself or flatter him by asking when and/or why not. Sorry but he sounds like a knobber.

Move on and don't look back.

Yeah, I don't think this is going to go anywhere. Tbh, the talk of holiday spreadsheets should have had you walking away rather than seeing it as a sign of genuine interest.

Take some time to work out what your parameters and dealbreakers are.

Whatever the reasons, this isn't a man who is dead keen on meeting you.

And that's quite a distance to consider toi.

He's talking the talk but not walking the walk. In a month it's just ridiculous that you text every day but haven't spoken on the phone or actually met. I think he, for whatever reason, just likes to keep you dangling ("should be able to meet soon" eh?!) but has no intention of meeting. Of course if he was married/in a relationship/not interested in meeting you, but was getting what he wanted with the texting, he would lie. Even if he's genuine, if he hasn't had time to meet for a quick coffee by now how the hell is he going to find the time to have a relationship?! And I agree with a PP, it shouldn't matter if he's chatting to others at this stage because you've not met. You should be chatting to others too.

When I did OLD I realised (through bitter experience) there were plenty of men who just liked to chat but not take it further, so I had a rule that I'd only exchange say 6 emails then, if they went well, swap phone numbers. But that was so we could actually speak on the phone (to guage chemistry), not spend ages texting, and if that call went well I'd expect a date to be arranged. No texting, no timewasting. If I smell a wiff of fantasist or staller I'd leave them to it and move on.

I usually do that too, this is an exception for me. I don't think he's married as he's got a face photo on the site and the ones who turn out to be married usually just have the silhouette ( and then delete their profiles!)

Think I gave him more leeway as we had a lot in common and I don't meet many pp like that on OLD who seem comparitively normal, intelligent and articulate.

But yes, this is going nowhere, shame

Does he have a Facebook? Try putting his photo into google and seeing what comes up? I learn from the Catfish tv programme :)

When I was using OLD sometimes it would take a hell of a long time for me to meet someone, just down to low self esteem so dont rule this out. Have you spoken on the phone?

Perhaps text him and say you are in his area next week and would he like to meet

I would be running for the hills! The spreadsheet thing seems very odd too.

It's been a month. You should have met by now, he's making excuses as to why he can't. I would cut all ties and leave it. If he were really interested then surely he'd be jumping at the chance to meet you?!

Thinking about it I had an experience with a guy many moons ago who only wanted to chat, we met on OLD but never actually 'met'. He came out with similar excuses that he was too busy blah blah blah. In the end I realised he only wanted someone to chat to and not actually meet. I cut all ties with him. I suggest you do the same.

It's not just married.

My experience is the ones who are hardest work to meet are:

• not as attractive as their photos and a bit "weird" socially

• They like manipulating situations to delude themselves they are more important than they are?

• They like the idea of pretending that they "have" lots of women available and gagging for them and desperate to meet them?

• If you actually meet up with them or look at their dating history then you find women tend to dump them after a couple of dates simply for not really being that attractive

• so they have such fragile self-esteem they'd rather pretend they are some bad-boy Lothario with loads of "women on the go" waiting for them to click their fingers (easy behind a screen, they look like Rab C Nesbitt in a cheap suit IRL).

Simply not the calibre of person you'd want to meet anyway really!

The most attractive men I've met in OD or otherwise (I know "attractiveness" is subjective but lets say they never have trouble getting women they like to want long-term serious relationships with them) are easy going to meet up with because they have nothing to "prove".

Why are you hanging around for Mr Walter Mitty, OP? This is the danger of investing so much into messaging etc..feeding the fantasy, talking about likes loves wants hopes dreams. & then you ignoring the red flags waving right in your face - that if a man is genuinely interested in meeting you, then the 2 of you will meet. & it wont take weeks, or months. Now what you have is, you aiming to decipher his lifestyle, and no doubt thinking well we still message, he must be interested. But he isn't. You're not even worth a 30 minute train journey. But I bet if he asked you to travel 30 minutes to meet him, you would. I think I can safely assume you haven't been asked though, have you?

If he is too busy to even meet in the early stages that age old busy lie, how do they get away with it? then he's got no time for a relationship with you anyway, and at the very least isn't prepared to make a relationship with you a priority

You're falling for a fantasy/fantasist.

So my guess is that he isn't who he claims to be... he's probably lied about his age, weight, height, baldness, interests... I'm smelling a catfish here!!!!

Half an hour is nothing. I've gone on dates an hour train ride away loads of times (Leeds to Manchester). If you want to meet you make time to meet. I've talked to quite a few people for a while but it's fizzled out and we never ended up meeting. I confess to talking to some people to pass the time tbh. If he is seeing other people that's not really any of your business. You sound way too invested in someone that's literally just a few words on a screen. Talk to people that actually want to meet up.

A friend of mine was traveling from Bristol to Kent every few weeks to date a man, pleased to say, they are now a couple.