Stuck in a rut. Help

[Grimnorthener]

I just need somewhere to get this off my chest and some perspective.

So I have been feeling really down recently. I feel like everything is getting on top of me. I work full time, have a partner of 10 years and a 2.5 year old, and I'm finding juggling everything getting more and more difficult.

To start - my relationship has been going stale for the past year. I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. There is no affection, it's like living with a mate. We don't talk, and everything is so routine and dreary. We argue about money. I look forward to the times he is in work/at football and I am alone. I go to bed early because we have nothing to say to each other anymore. I think our relationship is reaching a natural conclusion, he hasn't done anything wrong and he's a brilliant dad, I just feel trapped with him, like I can't breathe.

On top of this, I have recently been talking to somebody at work. Nothing physical has happened, (I'm up north and he's based in Essex) but he has been up to head office where I work 2 or 3 times and we have ended up going for dinner/a drink and we get on so well. We talk on the phone every day (work related) but my face aches from laughing after speaking to him. We seem to click. It's not overly flirty and we wouldn't end up together but I think it's showing me the way relationships should be - and the way I miss feeling.

I think I just want to be alone. I want time to myself and room to breathe. I just don't know how to go about it. It feels wrong and selfish to break up my little ones family, but I can't keep this up for much longer.

I've rambled. I just want some perspective and maybe some advice. I am in such a rut and can't seem to pick myself up.

I'm in something of a similar position, so I sympathise.

Imagine what would be said to a man who came and idly described a coworker in such glowing terms whilst contemplating a life without his wife. He'd be pilloried, mocked for the obvious mid life crisis, for setting himself up for an EA at the very least. But you acknowledge this, you obviously feel guilty at the thought.

And the truth is always more complicated, more subtle. Sometimes relationships run their course. Sometimes they get in temporary ruts and can be rejuvenated. You're bored. You don't owe anyone decades of unhappiness, not even your husband. So this is a real problem and it needs sorting.

The question you have to figure out is whether it is worth the pain and hassle of trying to kick start the current relationship into something better, or whether you need a clean break.

Might talking to him about what he feels about the state of the relationship be the place to start?

You're right, I do need to talk to him. I came home from work tonight and said, shall we see if we can get a babysitter on Friday and go out somewhere? (I think the last time we went out was about a year ago) I thought some time alone, a couple of drinks, we might rediscover something, or at least remind me of why we got together. All he said was, (I quote) "I dunno, how much money have you got left? Council tax came out today."

I've got plenty of money. We can afford to do things, he just won't. It just summarises his attitude to these things. I'm so so fed up of spending every single night on the sofa, watching telly in silence. I'm only 27! I feel so fed up.

I'd never cheat on him. Or leave him for anyone else. I really do just want to be alone. I keep looking online for houses within my budget for me and my little one.

Do you think he is also in a rut? I always favour the direct approach so I'd tell him you are not enjoying life right now and if he feels the same way what does he want to do about it. It's down to both of you to fix it.

I don't think he realises anything is wrong. I think he is quite happy as things are, but we have always been quite different. I'm a bit more outgoing and ambitious, he is more reserved. This wasn't so apparent at university when we met and we had different friends and hobbies and weren't under each other's feet, but I have started to feel suffocated.

I know I need to talk to him.