Will i ever get over the abuse?

[WeveGotAHomelessLove]

I dont really know why im posting but i just feel like i need to get it out.

Its totally ruined my life, i can't function normally, i cant do normal things, im a nervous wreck, everything is terrifying, my relationship is at rock bottom and over the years my partner thinks ive become EA, i dont know why or how but i know i hate who ive become. im needy and insucure, im on meds and seeing a psychologist.

I just dont know how to fix me!

I think there is always hope. The important thing is to get counselling, which you are, and to forgive yourself and accept who you are and that you deserve love and happiness, and you didn't deserve what happened to you at all. Take it slow, deep breaths, be kind to yourself.

Maybe go to the Freedom programme. It will help you not to make the same mistakes and to recognise if you were becoming abusive yourself. Mostly it is supportive and positive and meeting people who went through the same is really good. It is a great help in my own recovery.

Some of my behavior is controlling but most of it stems from my anxiety, i get irritated very easily so i become shouty and cold, i dont mean to but its like a defense against getting hurt, i cant cope with change so any sudden change to my routine can send me into a meltdown.

I have never been physically violent or got any satisfaction out of hurting anybody, sometimes the way i speak comes across nasty but i dont mean it to sound like that.

I honestly dont know whats wrong with me, i just seem to be hurting everyone around me.

It sounds like whatever you are doing to heal this, it might need increasing OP

some scars run deep, and cannot be easily borne.

a few questions for you

are you seeing a counsellor experienced in abuse?
are your medications working, if not can you review
when you mess up and shout, are you aware of it, and do you make amends
are you clear on the triggers, and are you managing them and avoiding them?
are you getting exercise, fresh air and eating well (I know it sounds like Gillian Keith but it makes such a difference)
are you proactively doing things to be kind to yourself

right now, how do you feel about yourself?

Thank you all for the replies.

I seen a volunteer counselor who specialized in sexual abuse but he made me feel uncomfortable so i stopped going, ive had 6 sessions of cbt and now im seeing a psychologist.

Im on 5 meds a day, propanalol 3x, sertaline 50mg and mitazipine 30mg, they have made me feel alot better than i did, my physical symtoms have reduced loads, so i think there working but i have an appointment in 2 weeks to review the meds.

Yes, im always aware and i normally start crying out of guilt and i always apologize, sometimes ill worry about it for days, ill worry that the person hasnt really forgiven me and are just being nice because i have problems.

My triggers could be absolutely anything, they can range from something someone said or something ive watched on tv to forgetting to do a task, im aware of my big triggers like certaim places or certain subjects and i do avoid them as much as i can.

I dont get alot of exercise, om pretty much bed bound and have only been out the house about 6x since october, my eating habits have improved but they still arent brilliant.

Right now i feel, sad, anxious and overwhelmed, i hate my self for putting everyone though the stress because i cant pull myself together, i wish i could just be normal, i wish i could do normal everyday things, i feel like my partner hates me and blames me for our relationship failing, i feel my family are sick of having to deal with me and cant wait to get rid of me.

I just feel broken and damaged.

Get support from your family and friends. It helps a lot when there are people who loves you with you going through this tough time.

I havent got any friends to talk to in RL (i've got friends but there all very selfish and wouldnt care about any of this stuff), i dont want to burden my family with anymore stress.

Im really trying not to sound needy or pathetic.

May I ask why you're bed bound? Other than than mental health issues, do you have a life-limiting physical condition that means you're not as mobile as you once were?

How long have you been with your partner and do you have dc?

Its due to my anxiety and depression , my symptoms are very physical and my bed is the only place i feel safe, i have very little energy, its been like that since October.

My partner has children but i dont we've been together 3 1/2 years but the last 6 months we've been on and off.

Did the abuse take place in a relationship or did it take place when you were a child?

The abuse happened when i was a child from the ages 6-11

Did you receive any therapuetic help when you were a child and what age were you when you first sought help as an adult?

What makes you think you are EA?

No, i didnt tell anybody about the abuse untill 2 1/2 Years ago, my partner was the first person i told, i was 22, i got my first cbt session about a year later.

If you have disclosed to your family members have they been supportive and have you reported the perpetrator to the police?

My partner thinks i am.

I can be controlling about her going out but most of the time its because i dont want to be on my own, i get jealous sometimes, i dont really stop her from doing anything though, she goes to college and does what she needs to with the DCs.

I think im more needy and a bit clingy, i do raise my voice alot when im frustrated or when i feel like she isnt listening, i can be really nasty with my mouth, not so much personal insults but more sarcastic and goady.

Yes, my family know as it was my brother!

I dont like talking about it as it upsets my mum and sister.

Hes in prison he got 3year, gets out next month.

Ah so he is out next month

Clearly something awful happened and it has had life affecting impact on you

I am at a loss to advise as it's just so major

I would say that general practice says the longer someone is off , and in bed the longer and harder it is to get up

I still think you might need more support - is your Gp aware that you are bedridden ??

It's ever so complex op

What's the physical issue that makes you stay in bed ? Mental or physical and assessing that would be a start

OP for you.

Yes you can get over sexual abuse, you won't always feel like this. It will be really difficult and it will be the hardest thing you ever do. It will require more courage than you think you have, but you will find the reserves within you - you couldn't have survived the abuse if they weren't already there.

You can grow and blossom into your own person, free of the shame of the abuse, shame that belongs solely with your abuser. You can have a life of freedom where you are in control of your emotions and reactions, instead of feeling like they control you. You can reach a point where you no longer have a reaction to triggers; you can read a book or watch a film where someone is abused and you will feel empathy with that character but you'll no longer re-experience the pain of your own abuse. You will be able to speak what's in your mind and heart without feeling like you need to shut up in case you're being boring or what if people find out what you're really like and they all hate you.

Most of all you'll be in a place where you can say "I'm a survivor of sexual abuse" and you will see it as something to be proud of, not something you have to hide. You will hold your hand out to other survivors going through the healing process, and you will tell them what I've just told you.

I find alot of the time people in RL dont know what to do or say but they rarely know how to listen either, sometimes i just need to get out what im thinking to make my self feel better.

Yes my gp know, ive come along way since october so she just sees it as im getting better slowly, so being bedridden isnt a problem to the the gp because i was alot worse when she first seen me, i couldnt eat, sleep, drink, i was a mess.

Its the physical symtoms of my anxiety, sweating, shaking, breathing difficulties, headaches, twitches, aches and pains and very little energy, i feel safe in bed.

Thank you for listening, thats all i need sometimes.

Thank to pocket

Op there are so many survivors out there and they understand and can give you strength

Also encouraged you recognise when you behave badly to your DP as awareness is so key

Pleased we could listen

I do agree it's very very hard word to get yourself fixed but ultimately
Worth it

Thank you all for your replies.

I feel a bit better today