I'm almost using this as somewhere to channel all of my thoughts at once, to finally get them all out.
My partner of 4 years broke up with me in January. Now i'm not going to claim it was a happy relationship, because on my part it hasn't been for at least 2 years. He was a regular weed smoker - usually up to £500 per month spent on cigarettes/drugs, and he would probably smoke a joint every 1.5 hours. This naturally altered his behaviour and led to him seriously neglecting both myself and the relationship... he could never be bothered to do anything with me (and freely admitted this) and yet still thought it appropriate to grope my bum in a morning when he thought I was asleep.
He expected me to do a full day at work and then come home and clean up the many sweet wrappers and dirty pots that he had used when he had been sat playing xbox everyday (worked away, 4 weeks on 4 weeks off), and said many times that there was nothing wrong with the fact that he wanted to act like he was single.
I'm also not going to sit here and say that I was perfect in our relationship, there's things I could have done more, there's things I could have been more understanding of but I found it very difficult to do those things I could have done more of whilst feeling so neglected and unwanted.
When we broke up the majority of the blame for everything that had gone wrong in our relationship was placed firmly at my door (as usual). That I should have done more around the house, that I shouldn't have stopped him from seeing his mates (which I never did, all I ever asked was that he stopped cancelling plans with me whenever his mates/parents offered him something else to do), that I spent all of his money etc (when I don't actually spend a single penny of his money). We decided at the time that the break up would be amicable, and that we would be friends etc.
About a week after me and him broke up, I found out that he had been messaging another woman. Both in a romantic way and also taking the opportunity to slag me off. He has said a number of derogatory things about me, all of which have been relayed to myself by a third party who had read all the messages.
He works away, so the majority of the break up was done by text - he apologised for what he had said about me etc, but confirmed that he no longer wanted to be with me, that this new woman was who he wanted etc. When he returned home, we had a bit of a talk on the first night he was home, agreed again that we wanted to be friends, especially since we own a property together that we both live in.
2 weeks after he started dating the new woman properly, they have got engaged. 4 weeks after they've started dating, she's announced that she's pregnant (positive pregnancy test posted on his Facebook page by her with the intention to upset me). He's going around treating her like he could never be bothered to treat me and taking her places I used to have to practically beg to go to.
Now I know the relationship was shit, I know that being with him was some of the most miserable years of my life and yet I can't help but sit here feeling bruised and fragile over the whole event. I've done nothing wrong at the end of the relationship and yet it is me that is getting all the hurt and the upset (some of it intentionally done by the new woman) whilst he's going around happy as larry, having found a new woman that will let him walk all over her.
It's been 2 months, and I still can't put everything to the back of my mind, I still can't get through a day without mulling something over in my mind and trying to make sense of everything that's happened. I am trying to be strong and I know that this will be the best thing that he has ever done for me, but at the same time I just feel so... deflated.
I guess... I just want to know that it gets easier, that you spend less time dwelling on everything, that you stop wishing that life would get better and that there are genuine men out there that don't spend a relationship bullshitting and biding their time until something 'better' comes along.
Well done if you got to the end by the way - I don't expect many to!