Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Why can't I just say?

12 replies

sad82 · 08/03/2016 16:49

Hi I'm a regular on here but under a different account today as I don't want to be found out!

I've been in a relationship for many years with dp and have two ds together plus a dd from my previous relationship that was very emotionally abusive. I don't really know how I got with dp we just kind of ended up together I think he seemed safe after the previous relationship and he was great with dd. Plus I was the first relationship he's ever had so he was kind of full on from the start. We had been friends our whole lives before this.

Move forward 9years to now. Some of the time things are ok but he is over the top. He is always calling and is completely obsessed with sex to the point it does my head in. It's like anytime we have a spare second that's the first thing he thinks of. Take today for example I met him up the town after an appointment and after a coffee he was like "now what do you want to do?" I said I needed some stuff from certain places and hey presto the usual puppy dog face kicks in with the "I mean what do you want to do?" Nudge nudge wink wink. So I just repeated what is said before. It's always bloody like this. Not to mention nothing can just be for me I joined the gym and next thing I know he has too and he's someone who would never go to a gym waking down the road is cause for much complaining. I'm not complaining (well I am a bit) but seriously I never get to be on my own. He's even taken to taking the days I have off off so we can be together. I've tried to tell him I like time to myself but after 9years I should know it won't sink in. Same with the constant asking for sex. I'm just hitting my head against a brick wall.

This is not what I'm on here about but thought you'd like some background. So my problem is we are friends with our neighbours (well me more than him as he doesn't really talk to many people) I'm wanting to do a half marathon at the end of the year and the husband next door has done one and is doing the same one so suggested we could go for a run locally together his wife was there when he said it so is obviously not bothered. The problem I have is if I ask dp if he minds it's going to be the end of the fucking world. Honestly he will act like I've asked if I can have an affair. He's bad enough with me meeting up with my brother. So what should I do?

OP posts:

Jan45 · 08/03/2016 16:53

You have to ask???

This is not a normal healthy relationship, it's about control he wants over you, you are his possession and he owns you, warped I'd say, your wants and desires are insignificant to him, it's all about him.

Live your life free of this chain.

Quityabitchen · 08/03/2016 17:04

He sounds insecure, clingy and needy. I'd sit him down and tell him his controlling behaviour has to stop. It's healthy for couples to have time apart and to socialise with other people. The constant badgering for sex sounds like he needs constant reassurance that you love him - tell him it annoys you. He needs to consider your feelings not just his needs.

lunar1 · 08/03/2016 17:12

Do your marathon and keep on running, his behaviour would make me so claustrophobic.

Toomuchinfo1 · 08/03/2016 17:14

he honestly gets funny when you meet your brother?

he has serious issues!

Sorry - not very helpful.

I can see why you are struggling, as it's important for a lot of people to have their own space (me being one of them).

he really needs to stop and think about what he is doing, as it will push you away completely.

sorry - still not very helpful xxxx

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 08/03/2016 17:18

I think you know what you need to do.You don't sound happy at all.You sound like a person who is feeling trapped and wants out.
Life's too short to live like that tbh

Kelsoooo · 08/03/2016 17:21

I feel claustrophobic reading this post

You need to tell him!

Original poster

sad82 · 09/03/2016 00:25

I know what I should do but it's so hard. We have so much together and the idea of being a single mum makes me scared. I will also struggle with all the bills/ being able to do my work as at the moment our jobs work out that we don't need childcare.

I have tried talking to him until I'm blue in the face but it just doesn't work. I might as well talk to myself. He acts like I've said something awful and gets argumentative before I can put my point across its just tedious.

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 09/03/2016 02:06

Can your neighbour have a word with him? He'd be under the patio now if he was my spouse...

StillAwakeAndItIsLate · 09/03/2016 07:00

Sounds awful. Him joining the gym and taking the same days off as you is less about him wanting to be with you constantly and more about him wanting to know exactly what you're doing and with whom.

I'm currently single, but I wouldn't expect to ask/be asked about something like running with a neighbour.

DoreenLethal · 09/03/2016 07:29

The problem I have is if I ask dp if he minds it's going to be the end of the fucking world.

If you are in a relationship that you have to ASK your partner something and are scared to because you know that reaction you will get then you are in the wrong relationship.

ALaughAMinute · 09/03/2016 07:36

He's a control freak! LTB!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2016 08:02

"I know what I should do but it's so hard. We have so much together and the idea of being a single mum makes me scared"

Better to be alone than to be abused as you and in turn your children are now.

What do you mean by we have so much together?. Its a nonsense. He holds all the power and control here; you have no say, he thinks you would go off with any man and you are emotionally cowed in his presence. You and he need to be apart and now.

The above are no good reasons at all to stay within this and the first part sounds awfully like the "sunken costs " fallacy common to relationships. That causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

You basically got out of one abusive relationship and went straight into another abusive one, albeit of a different type, but abusive all the same.
This person targeted you. He also saw that your boundaries were skewed (you thought that kind of full on from the start was good; that is actually a red flag) and has simply gone on to use you for his own ends. He wants you in a cage of his own paranoid making. He does not give a fig about you or your children.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here; you're showing them that currently at least this is acceptable to you.
Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships; for your sons and daughter to grow up thinking that this is "normal"?. For them to think that yes running a marathon with your next door neighbour's H is not at all normal?. He also gets funny when you meet your own brother; he is that paranoid. He will simply transfer his own damaging issues and paranoia onto your children, they see all too clearly how you are treated by this man.

You need to enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme asap particularly as you have been in an abusive relationship before. That can help rebuild your current too low boundaries.

Womens Aid can also help you here; please call them on 0808 2000 247.

Flip