I spent my childhood in foster care in many placements.
I was abused by a foster parent physically and her husband more intimately.
I was moved and had an okay home. First boyfriend. Loved him totally. Together years.
Years ago a civil case was brought and the abuser was found guilty in the civil judgement. I was awarded costs and damages (about £200k). Paid nothing. DH has paid the legal bill. Last year he was sent to prison after I went to the police.
DH and I have obviously had issues in the bedroom due to the abuse but things are better but we have separate issues now so it rarely happens. I'm currently medically unwell and extremely emotionally unwell.
My ex has been in and out of my life and then he came to court. I really hoped he would say no to helping. He's married and both have feelings still.
We have been talking on and off for a few months. It's been great as cleared lots of things up. Lots of if only's and lots of tears. We don't see each other. It's just texts with the odd call, DH knew and has told me I'm not allowed to talk to him.
The three biggest things that cause me pain are being rejected by parents/abusive childhood, abuse and not getting over my ex. I can't separate them as to what causes the most pain.
Currently being ignored by social services who don't give a shit. Same with the extremely high profile ex employer of the abuser. It makes me feel worthless. It makes me want to self destruct. I told DH talking to my ex was all about him leaving me as he deserves a lovely wife who isn't broken and who isn't hard work. I'm used to pain. Happiness scares me. I want to spend friendly time with ex (not sex) and just feel safe and whole for a bit.
Saw GP for medical stuff. Cried. She said nothing wrong but would refer to hospital for mind putting at rest. I do have something wrong and have a prescription also referred for a scan and to see another doctor. She thought I was crying about the trial and referred me for talking therapy. I was crying about my ex. It's the only thing guaranteed to make me cry really. Rejected for therapy as don't meet criteria. Quite possibly going through early menapause. GP says not. Started taking tablets for stress and anxiety. I go a bit woo on them so taking them when going to bed to sleep.
I want to be able to say, it's all shit, it happens but now it needs to vanish from my head but I don't know how too.
I'm so scared posting this. Worried RL people will recognise me. If you do, please PM me. Worried I'd get told I'm a bitch for talking to my ex. Etc etc etc.