Who gets to decide?

[Gwenci]

DH and I have two gorgeous DC. The issue we're currently having is that I want a third but DH is quite adamantly against the idea.

I'm a SAHM and I know DH really feels the pressure of being the sole provider for the family. He worries a lot as it is with only two DC to support (me going back to work is not an option currently) so he feels our family is complete with two DC.

But I have always wanted three children and I know I will always feel there is a child 'missing' from my life.

So my question really is, has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you resolve it?

I think it would be grossly unfair to pressure your DH into a third child particularly when you admit he already feels under a lot of financial pressure. I think unless you can create an additional income to help ease the pressure to make a third child manageable then you will have to accept the situation as it is.

How old are your current children?

What relationship does your DH have with them? Was he a hands on dad when they were little?

General consensus is that the person who doesn't want another child gets the final vote. Why would you want to bring a child into the world knowing its father doesn't want it?

This is not easy to resolve.
You are both right so we can't tell you any different.
He doesn't want any more. Absolutely his right to feel like this.
You do, absolutely your right as well.
But you can't make him have another child.
If you love him and want to stay with him then you need to make your peace with 2 children.
If it's something you can't get past and will start to resent him for then you need to decide if you leave now and get your 3rd DC from a new partner?

I'm not sure how happy your 2 DC will be knowing that they aren't enough for you though. Please make sure they never find out:-
I know I will always feel there is a child 'missing' from my life

The person who is completely sure they don't want another child gets the veto, IMO

Thanks MN, that's fairly unanimous. I think I probably knew that anyway but I just wondered if anyone else had had a similar situation.

I adore my DH, there's no question in my mind that I'd ever leave over this; 3 DC would be lovely but not if it meant not being with DH and my DC not having their amazing father.

And I love my two DC more than anything in this world. Feeling like I would've liked another does not diminish my love for them. They are 'enough' for me and I know I'm blessed to have them. In an ideal world I just would've liked another, that's all. Maybe because I'm one of three I feel like another sibling would benefit them too but as you all rightly say, it's not something I'd ever 'force' DH into.

I had a friend in this situation. It took her several years to 'persuade' her DH to have a third, but once they decided, he was totally on board and they were pleased with their decision. You never know….

It's something you have to decide and want together. You have two children together enjoy them.

I wouldn't want to persuade my husband in to it.

I think having a child is something you both should positively want - it's not fair on the potential child or the not-keen partner to ignore their reluctance.

If your dh is sure about your family being complete, perhaps suggest he considers a vasectomy so that you no longer have to worry about contraception.

The one who doesn't want another child gets to decide. You can't force a child on someone.

Did you at any point decide together that you both wanted 3 children? That may make a slight difference, but even then people change their minds.

I've always said I'd like three children and DH used to agree (he's one of two and liked the idea of a larger family) but the reality is always different to the dream isn't it?! (I've never thrown this back at him, I understand he feels the pressure of providing.)

It's not that DH is adamantly against a third child in principle, I think if money were no object than he'd like a third. But it is, and so I think calling it quits at 2 is him with his sensible hat on.

I think it's also an issue of perspective. I grew up with two siblings and money was tight. We didn't go on holiday until I was 10 and my sisters shared a room, whereas DH went on numerous holidays, him and his DB had their own rooms (and two spare!) and lived very comfortably.

So whereas I can see the reasonableness of two DC sharing a room and forgoing holidays etc, DH doesn't think we can afford three as I suppose his expectations are different.

Not judging/building my own case, just musing!!

Why is you going back to work not an option?

At the moment it isn't as we can't afford the childcare. Neither DC is currently school age so it'd mean paying for childcare for both and I'm not in a high paying sector so my salary wouldn't cover costs.

How old are your DCs? Don't they get 15 free hours at nursery once they reach 2 or 3? www.gov.uk/help-with-childcare-costs/free-childcare-and-education-for-2-to-4-year-olds

Many employers offer a childcare voucher scheme, which would reduce the cost of childcare for you.

And depending on your DH's salary you might be entitled to child tax credits - the childcare element covers 70% of childcare costs.

If those options aren't possible, fair enough. But I'm just thinking that if finances are the main barrier for your DH, you going back to work is probably the best way of convincing him that the family will cope with a third child.

You grew up as a child in a family where money was tight, and it seemed OK to you, and yet I wonder how it felt for your parents. Were they stressed day after day after day trying to make ends meet? Did they worry that they weren't able to offer the experiences that other children had? Did they make personal sacrifices so that you and your siblings didn't have to go without?

Maybe not, but many parents do - and at the time it is distressing and seemingly endless. I applaud your dh's 'sensible' head, and I applaud your warmth and love (for him and your dc) which is willing to accept the situation

I think next year it's gong up to each child having 30 free hours of childcare a week. If that is the case then you seriously think about returning to work in the next few years.

Perhaps you should put this to your husband and it may help your cause.

Consider also, that you seem to have the perfect family right now. How would you cope, if the third child was born with a disability?

Thanks Emma, I think you're right that me working would perhaps show DH it would be do-able but I'd probably have to wait until the DC were at school as DH earns too much for us to get any tax credits/benefits and all the nurseries here operate on a 51 week a year basis so that equates to 10hrs free nursery a week for my DCs (once they're eligible, they're currently 2.5 and 1 - I like small age gaps.) So we'd still be paying more in childcare than I could earn.

That's really sound and sage advice Venus. I know my parents struggled exactly as you've described. And when you put it like that, I'm definitely looking at it from my perspective as a happy child rather than a stressed parent.

I suppose in my heart of hearts I know DH is 'right'. His is the sensible choice, mine is the emotional one.

Another really good point BlueEyes.

I know that if I were honest and made a 'pros and cons' list, it'd all be cons (cost, standard of living, stress) except for the 'another beautiful addition to our family' in the pro column.

You've all been really helpful in making me think about this more rationally and less emotionally. Thank you so much.

My husband and I take it in turns to want a 3rd! I think we'd be if we both wanted one at the same time as we'd then have to think about it properly and make an actual decision