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Original poster

Mother's Day and step mums

18 replies

clairepf · 07/03/2016 00:03

Hi all. I was wondering if anyone could tell me if I'm being childish or expecting too much

Me and my OH have been together 3 years and in that time his 2 sons come over for summer/Easter and some Christmas holidays. We don't have kids together yet but we stay with my two kids from previous marriage. When my step sons come to visit (8 & 6 year olds) I'm the one who usually looks after all 4 of our kids. I cook, clean , take them out etc while he's working. He helps out when he can

Now today Mother's Day I was secretly hoping for some flowers etc but no surprises there. I casually mentioned "oh would have been nice to receive something for Mother's Day" and his response was "but you're not my mother". My heart sank a little as I've always thought I had a motherly role to play with all our kids. Or am I wrong to think so?

OP posts:

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 07/03/2016 00:08

You'll no doubt be told that yabu for expecting anything, whether from your own DCs, your DH or your DSCs. Apparently were not supposed to get anything for Mother's Day until the DCs are old enough to go shopping themselves.

However, I can totally understand why you would be expecting some sort of acknowledgment for everything you do for everyone.

goddessofsmallthings · 07/03/2016 00:11

^would have been nice to receive something for Mother's Day"

Who did you address this statement to? Your oh or one of your very young dss?

Did you not receive any token of appreciaton from your own dc?

RudeElf · 07/03/2016 00:16

You know i'm completely lost with what mothers' day is supposed to be about. With all the different threads and FB posts and people asking for acknowledgement for what they do, and DHs going to see their mothers, and toast crumbs in bed and new boots. I'm just lost with what it means.

So i cant tell whether you are right or wrong OP, i really cant anymore. It seems to mean a different thing in every single person's mind nowadays.

But i will say that you shouldnt be doing all the shitwork. Your partner should be feeding and cleaning after and entertaining his own DC.

VertigoNun · 07/03/2016 00:17

Why don't you start a tradition of Aunts day, Step mum day and so on?

Original poster

clairepf · 07/03/2016 00:20

Hi. Thanks for your reply. I casually mentioned that to my OH. I can never mention that to my step sons 😊

OP posts:

OutToGetYou · 07/03/2016 00:21

I think you need to let it go. Kids aren't really interested in this stuff so unless your dp did something with them you'd not really be thought about I'm afraid.
Especially if you only see them in holidays.

I've been with dp seven years, lived together three, dss is 14 and lives with us nearly all the time (saw his mum for an hour this week).
Yesterday dp spoke to dss about getting me flowers, he said obvs I'm not his mum but I do a lot of things a mum does, and dss agreed, dp got the flowers, dss gave them to me and said happy mothers day.

First time I've had anything. I've never expected it (though I may have muttered darkly to dp about it in past years, but never said anything to dss).

It is different being a step (I'm not a 'real' step because we're not married, dp ex goes mad if dss refers to me as step) and there is a lot you just have to learn to live with and let wash over you.

MrsWigster1991 · 07/03/2016 00:23

Tell your partner to do more. You took on a motherly role but you are not their mother.

his response was "but you're not my mother" Please tell me you didn't say "oh would have been nice to receive something for Mother's Day" to his kids who are 8&6?

MrsWigster1991 · 07/03/2016 00:24

Phew. I thought you'd said that to his kids.

ddeemummy · 07/03/2016 01:40

Hi. Can relate to this. I have a 9 year old step son. Last few years husband has had him making me a card which is lovely I dont expect anything. Then this year im so chuffed when out choosing his mum something he asked if he could get me some chocolates . More happier as he did it off his own back.

Like you when we have ss I do most the care ( have 3 others aswell with dh) so it is nice to get some recognition so I can totally understand your frustration

Isetan · 07/03/2016 06:35

Are you saying he only sees his kids in the holidays and during that time you do the majority of the looking after because he's not available. If that's the case, a Mother's Day token gesture would be the least of my worries and the amount of time he spent with his children would be more concerning.

I don't think it unreasonable to want some recognition for what you do but Mother's Day isn't the time.

Fuzz01 · 07/03/2016 06:54

I think its a its abit of a mind field we got one thread where a mother is upset the SM got a card and present. Other threads were step mums got nothing and are upset.

Personally i think the dp should help young DCs get a token card gift for mums and in regards to SM unless they are in full contact leave it up to the DC when they are old enough if they feel close enough to go out and get something for their SM or aunt, gran whoever they feel has a close bond.with.

heidiwine · 07/03/2016 07:05

I'm a step mum. I have a good relationship with my step daughters who I have known 7 years. I have a motherly role in their lives: with my DP I make sure that they are cared for when they are with us - I cook the things I know they really like, do the washing, clean up after them (including once or twice vomit), help them out when they're upset, help them to make good choices etc etc
I have also helped to make sure that Mother's Day is remembered - I've helped make cards and gifts etc.
I don't get a Mother's Day card from them. I don't expect to. I'm not their Mum. I'd like to feel a bit more appreciated but I'd prefer that to happen on a day to day basis rather than on any specific day of the year.
Stepchildren are often in a very difficult position. I know mine struggle to adjust to two very different families. They would feel hideously guilty towards their mum (who really dislikes me and their dad) if they got me a card. Once again, as in almost all step children situation - the tension is caused by the feelings of the adults that are imposed on the children.
I don't want to be harsh OP but if you expect things like this from your step children it's going to be a tough road.

Imbroglio · 07/03/2016 09:17

It has never even crossed my mind that my kids would do anything for their step mother.

OutToGetYou · 07/03/2016 10:15

I think it all just depends so much on the individual people, the circumstances around it all etc.

dss is now here 100% of the time. He sees his mother for the odd couple of hours after school and she buys him a pizza, maybe once a week at most.

I don't have kids (she doesn't have more either) so he's not 'fitting into another family' really. And I don't do the majority of the care when he is here, dp does that, he's his father.

Obviously I help make the house run for all of us, do shopping, laundry (not his really, dp does his own and dss, but sometimes I do, or I hang it out etc), cook (again, in the week dp does most of the cooking, but I did the roast yesterday), am there for him to chat to (we helped him make his options choices, I don't think his dm even knows what he takes), remind him about his homework, take him out places, take him on holiday, welcome his friends here, give him lifts, help dp choose clothes and presents for him, take him to buy presents for his df and dm etc etc. dp and I share the cost of this too, while he pays his ex £500pm child maintenance (yes, I know!).

So, we are probably in a fairly unique situation. I think saying 'happy mothers day' and a small gift is fine. I don't think it should be expected (when dss came in with flowers I assumed they were for his mum and that he and dp had forgotten I had already sorted out his dm's MD present!) but I also certainly don't think they are saying "you are my mum".

This is the first time dss/dp has done it. It was very thoughtful of them.

Cabrinha · 07/03/2016 11:21

They don't even live with you, the just visit in some holidays and you are not their mother. So no - I wouldn't expect it to even cross their minds - and I don't think your boyfriend needs to do it for them.

There is NO POINT in casually mentioning things. You say that you and he haven't got joint children "yet". I suggest before you do, you work out how to communicate your feelings and wants openly. Not casual hints, just TALK.

Also that's you're the one doing the holiday care. Great contact time for him

LittleLegs25 · 07/03/2016 11:22

I always do something for my step parents on Mothers/Fathers day. My husband is stepdad to my DD and she always signs the fathers day card and is included and she also gets a card for her step mum too. Step parents have big roles to play just as much as parents do and its nice to make them feel appreciated. You OH is being thoughtless.

Princessjonsie · 08/03/2016 20:36

I sent my mum a card and present and found a lovely card for my step mum that said thinking of you on Mothering Sunday. Just put a note inside saying I was thankful for everything she does for me. She isn't officially my step mum as she and my dad are not married but have been together 25 years. Thoughtless. Now a days plenty of cards for step mum etc

honeyroar · 08/03/2016 21:57

My husband used to buy a card with/from his son in the early days of us living together (ss was 7). It used to annoy me, I wasn't his mum and I hate Mother's Day as I couldn't have children myself. However 12 years on I now get lovely cards from him, not particularly Mother's Day cards, but plain ones or jokey ones with a personal message, and I love them. This year's said, "of all the wicked step mums in the world I'm glad I got you!" He usually texts from his mums to say happy Mother's Day too. My husband says I may not be his blood, but I've been a big part of his upbringing/childhood.

I guess I'm saying it takes time to be heartfelt.

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