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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Very frustrated with him

50 replies

Cheeseburgler · 06/03/2016 21:31

Ok, so I'm in a long-distance relationship. Guy lost his job a while ago so he spends his days online or watching tv. He wants to move where I am.
I am in the process of looking for a better job so we can move in together.
He expects me to find a way of making this happen in the next couple of months or else he threatened to just cut me off and move on.
While he is there spending his days in this constructive way (being sarcastic here), I am applying for jobs, having interviews etc and still trying to make ends meet.
He went on about how he is tired of the situation and either we move in soon or he'll move on. He is worried about whether he'll find a good job where I live since he doesn't have a degree. I emailed him a pdf about the tests you have to undergo for a certain career that he could pursue without a degree but that still pays well here in the UK and he hasn't bothered to read it yet. He is more bothered about going online on image boards and all that, talking about sport and half-naked women and watching TV. I have built all this resentment towards him because I feel like it's all on me and not only he's not doing anything to help things get to where we both want but he's also stressing me and moaning that he's frustrated!
I haven't discussed this with him as I know him and he'll just turn it around and say that then I can just walk away and stuff like that if I am not happy with him. What I want though is just for him to understand that since he's not the one who's got to deal with all the pressure that he could be at least helping by not dumping more stress on me with his supposed frustration.

OP posts:
Lovelydiscusfish · 06/03/2016 22:34

If he doesn't believe in pre-marital sex, am I right in thinking you might be thinking about marrying this man?
If so, please, no, OP, don't do it. He doesn't even appear willing to attempt to put any effort in now. What would he be like as a husband? You are worth so much more! You need to try to get yourself out there on some kind of dating scene. Do you have certain requirements for a partner, for example shared religion, or so on ( just guessing). Even so, there will be ways to meet better men!

StEdmundsPippins · 06/03/2016 22:34

Look -
HE slobs watches TV all day.
HE can't be bothered to look for work.
HE is in touch with other women and brags to you about them - how revolting is that?

BUT You-

*Work hard and are looking for better work to improve your situation.
*Have a caring nature.
*DESERVE a fabulous life with a fabulous OH .....JUST NOT HIM !

Pannacott · 06/03/2016 22:36

Is he after marrying you to be able to move to the uk? Then is going to leave you? But thinks you are taking too long / not being enough of a mug so is going to finish it with you and look for someone with even lower self-esteem? If he's treating you like this when you hold the cards, imagine what it's going to be like when you have less power in the relationship. This man is dreadful and is stringing you along. The ideas you had of him are fantasies and not based on who he is, or what you have together.

Hissy · 06/03/2016 22:36

Where in the world is this chancer from op?

He doesn't believe in premarital sex? Hahahahahahhahahahajaha. Riiiight.

Don't donthis to yourself love.

I agree with imperialblether's approach, that will be hilarious

TheSinkingFeeling · 06/03/2016 22:38

Don't let this appalling parasite anyway near you! Or this country, to think of it.

ImperialBlether · 06/03/2016 22:40

Yes, which country is he from? Presumably he would have to marry you to live and work here?

I think you've got completely carried away with this man. He's cheating on you already, he's not working and he's spinning you a tale about supporting you and the babies.

Can you tell us - have you actually met him face to face? If so, how often?

Slowdecrease · 06/03/2016 22:43

Unless you're looking to sell your heartbreak story to take a break or similiar a bit down the line to recoup some of what this will cost you I'd bin this one off here

sooperdooper · 06/03/2016 22:44

Jesus let him move on he'll be doing you a favour!!

Have you actually met irl if he's not in the UK?

He sounds awful, dump him and leave him to it, do not even consider him moving in with you!!

Cabrinha · 06/03/2016 22:44

Ah, so if he hasn't had sex with you, he's not the loser you posted about 3.5 months ago.

So how have you ended up in a position of getting into a LDR with a man that you know him well enough to move him to the UK, in just 15 weeks? Hmm and start a family and be a SAHM? Confused

Holiday romance, or someone you have just been talking to online only?
Or the same guy as November who believed in pre marital sex with you then and is therefore a big fat lying hypocrite? (alongside his other long lists of positives)

Did you know that the Home Office are really strict these days and you can't just marry them to get them into the UK?

If he is European or has his own independent right to be in the UK, why isn't he already?

Cabrinha · 06/03/2016 22:47

I like the lottery idea.

I have another idea for you though Smile

Tell him you really want him in the UK now, but you need money to make it happen. Tell him that a great aunt has left you £9.8 million. However, it's tied up in a legal issue and you need him to send you just £2500 to access it. Obv you'll be giving him not just the usual 10%, but as you'll marry him, the full 50%!

Don't forget to add "god bless you".

Then... Delete and block Grin

ImperialBlether · 06/03/2016 22:55

I think this is a phone sex situation rather than a physical one.

TheSinkingFeeling · 06/03/2016 22:58

Unless you're looking to sell your heartbreak story to take a break or similiar a bit down the line to recoup some of what this will cost you I'd bin this one off here

Yep. Of the 'I met my Gambian soul mate, and now he's run off with my sister' variety.

FeedMyFaceWithJaffaCakes · 06/03/2016 23:05

Fuck that. And I'm talking from five years of bring in LDR.
If he's from overseas, have you ever met him? Or is this an online thing?!!
You're crazy to let him treat you that way or think about living with him or marrying him with his current behaviour.

That is all.

SolidGoldBrass · 07/03/2016 00:10

What is wrong with you? There is no logical reason for you not to have told this dickhead to fuck off and find some other desperate, dimwitted woman to leech off.

Were you brought up to think a woman is nothing without a man?
Were you bullied/abused/exploited by your family?
Have you a background with some fuckwitted religious overlay in it?
Have you been convinced that you are unlovable or undesirable and must therefore grovel to any man who even looks at you or face the terrible fate of being single forever?

You can do better than this useless prick. Being single forever would be better than living with someone like him.

Original poster
Cheeseburgler · 07/03/2016 00:45

No, I'm from mainland Europe so not a Brit but settled here in the UK and I don't have a particular religious background making me think I am nothing without a man. I was actually pretty content with being single but he came along.

I do think I tend to overlook the red flags because I am involved in this so I tend to find a justification to them but at the same time I do see them.

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 07/03/2016 00:52

Red flags mean stop.

LadyB49 · 07/03/2016 01:40

What can I say other than..... wise up and have a bit of sense. !!

Pocketsprocket · 07/03/2016 06:57

If you are an EU citizen settled in the uk and he marries you he's hit the jackpot. It is easier for him to stay in the UK than if he marries a British citizen where more strict rules apply.
See link findlaw.co.uk/law/immigration_emigration/marriage_visas/marry-for-a-visa-in-the-uk.html

You are being used for a passport (apart from all the other awful things about him). Sorry. There are much nicer people you could marry and have a nice life with.

Creampastry · 07/03/2016 07:08

Wise up, he's laughing at you, using you, probably shagging girls, he's a dick, let him move on. You won't regret it, you will regret staying with him.

VulcanWoman · 07/03/2016 07:22

One of life's users.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/03/2016 07:37

Why are you so over invested in this person who is simply using you for his own ends?.

He was never your project to rescue and or save.

Cabrinha · 07/03/2016 07:40

"he came along"

But how, Cheeseburgler?
You're notably quiet on that question.
It's because you know it's going to be a massive red flag too, don't you?

If you agree you see red flags, why haven't you acted on them?

Immigration rules cause heartache for some, but this is why I'm glad we have them - so that vulnerable people like you can't easily get conned into letting 'men' like this into the UK.

Is he the man you were shagging behind someone else's back last Nov, or not?

Roussette · 07/03/2016 08:06

OP Your self esteem must be completely rock bottom to even put up with 10% of this. Start to like yourself before even thinking of letting anyone else into your life.

And you are talking children? Why? He is an overgrown teenager with no redeeming features so do you honestly think he is suddenly going to transform himself into a model husband and dad?

Get it into your head that he isn't the slightest bit interested in you as a person. If he was, he would be working together with you to make things happen. Instead he is ogling nude women, gaming online and giving you ultimatums to get a move on.

You say you are involved in this. How? You can walk away without a backward glance unless you are so needy that anyone will do, even this no-mark.

Cabrinha · 07/03/2016 08:22

Another thing that strikes me, Chreseburger. You've known this man a matter of weeks.

Already he's 'risking' losing you as a meal ticket because he is putting pressure on you - he's actually threatening to dump you.

Why isn't he being more careful and telling you that he loves you so much, can't bear to be apart?

Because you will not be the only passport he is chasing

He needs someone really vulnerable, to be low and desperate enough to fall for him.

That might not be you - see, you're posting on here, well done - your guy tells you it's not right.

It's better for him to treat you really badly do he can weed out women like you who are eventually going to come to their senses and flip him off.

There will be currently several other women - probably met on line - that he'll doing this to, trying to find the most vulnerable person.

AnyFucker · 07/03/2016 08:37

Have you ever had a boyfriend, op ?

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