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Original poster

Is my mother in law normal?

45 replies

Rubysmummy2016 · 06/03/2016 15:03

I have always had a strained relationship with my MIL, I've been with her son for 8 years nearly and she's always treated me like I'm not good enough for him (but never said anything, so I can't really act on it). Our daughter (Ruby) was born two weeks ago, premature baby, had to be induced. And I don't know if it's just my hormones or if she's actually trying to shut me out.

Whenever she see's my daughter she says how much she looks like her and her son and nothing like me, whenever my daughter does anything (like wriggle her arms out of her swaddle) she says that her son did that, so she gets that from him (not like all babies do that or anything!). When we were in hospital with Ruby she was really struggling with her temperature, MIL comes to visit, takes the blanket off of her and starts taking "decent pictures" for people at work (I did get rather angry and gave her a piece of my mind).

And now we've been out of hospital for 5 days and she wants me to take Ruby out in the freezing cold to her workplace because she's getting nagged by people she works with wanting to see her (I'm still terrified to take Ruby outside, and it's not something I've felt brave enough to do yet). But now she's nagging me about it. I understand it's her first grandchild (it's my mum's first grandchild too) but she is my daughter.

It feels like she's trying to take ownership of her, and with all of the "she looks nothing like you, she's all our side of the family" comments, it's like she's trying to detach her from me.

She even puts in comments about my labor with her, because I said I felt traumatized by it all, she says there was nothing to be traumatized about.

I'm sorry for the rant :/ But do you think I'm just being a bitch or is this justified?

OP posts:

1frenchfoodie · 06/03/2016 17:03

Congratulations, lovely name too. She sounds a bit overbearing but not too bad. She is obviouly going to reminisce about how her son also did x,y,z - she can hardly know how you were at the same age. Seems a bit strange for her to want you to take baby to her place of work but she is obviously very excited and proud - just OTT.

zipzap · 06/03/2016 17:05

She's batshit so ignore her.

And when she's trying to do something that you don't agree with then try to come back to her - so...

When she wants to have her taken into her office - don't be ridiculous, she's much to young to go out and get close to lots of people yet, she hasn't had all her jabs, maybe once they are all finished isn't the last one you get at 12 or 15 or some time years in the future so you don't need to worry about it currently

When she says she doesn't look like you - oh mil, do you need your glasses checked? She's the absolute spit of me when I was the same age. I see a little bit of DH and FIL in her but not you, you old cowbag but mostly I think she just looks like a mini me (assuming that she does look like you!)

When she's doing something that you don't like to annoy you that you think is to the detriment of your dd, twist it around to that thing equalling not loving dd - 'Shame on you MIL, I thought that you'd love and care for dd and only want the best for her but you don't, you just want to show her off to your colleagues like a trophy, regardless that it's putting her health at risk due to the cold weather, the germs she'll come into contact with before she's had her jabs, etc. Well it's not on, I love my dd and I'm not putting her at risk with somebody who doesn't love her.

The latter is pretty PA - but hey, she's giving you a hard time and it's a reasonable thing to say in the circumstance. Hopefully it will also hit her hard as she is going to want to be able to say that she loves her gd the mostest or at least a lot - so to be charged with not loving or caring for her or her safety should make her think a bit.

And yes - you do need to get your dh on side and talking to her too!

Anyhow - congratulations - hope you're having a lovely first mothering sunday with lots of mummy-dd snuggles and no mil interference!

clam · 06/03/2016 17:06

Hell, most people wouldn't even take their own baby in to visit their own work colleagues at this age, let alone a grandchild.

When If she mentions it again, say that you're afraid there's no way that will be happening for a good while if ever yet, as she's so new and vulnerable.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/03/2016 17:08

Bad behaviour from any relation should never be at all tolerated or excused. You would not like it at all if this happened to you.

This is not just OTT behaviour on the part of MIL: this is about MIL wanting to be a mother again but this time with your child. She just wants to use your child as a trophy to show off to her workmates.

Firm and consistently applied boundaries need to be applied and rigorously so.

Lalalili · 06/03/2016 17:12

I would not want to take a newborn - let alone prem - baby into her workplace either. Can you get a doctor to give you a cast iron excuse? 'Oh, sorry MIL, you probably didn't realise that we all have to protect Rubyfrom infections at the moment. Dr X said that it will be at least X weeks/months before her immune system is mature enough to handle this sort of visit'. Congratulations and good luck!

MatildaTheCat · 06/03/2016 17:12

Ignore her. Ignore the calls unless you want to talk. If she texts ignore for several hours then a cheery ' busy right now'.

Your baby.Your rules.

If she's overpowering ask dh to tell her to back off while you settle in together. And never, ever confide in her re anything because she won't be supportive. Her babies will have slept through from birth, potty train by eight months and fluent readers by 2.

Enjoy your baby and congratulations. Happy Mother's Day.

SatsukiKusakabe · 06/03/2016 17:13

Gosh your post is very familiar to me.

Be assertive, and don't give into anything you are uncomfortable with, it is the only way such people ease up. Give them an inch and they'll take a mile.

"No that doesn't work for me" and change the subject. Don't apologise for your decisions. You have nothing to feel sorry for or guilty about putting your dd and yourself first at this time. She will have years to develop a relationship with her granddaughter, stressing her mother out in the early vulnerable weeks when it is new for her too is not necessary, and is really awful selfish behaviour, actually.

It's too easy to make excuses for people, but I try and imagine whether I would act in that manner myself, and when the answer is emphatically no, then there's your yardstick.

Congratulations btw on your lovely daughter

ifcatscouldtalk · 06/03/2016 17:15

Tell her if she carries on the way she's going it'll be the first and last grandchild she gets out of you. I've been there with the "she's all her dad", but I must say my Mil did calm down eventually and we get on very well now. Everyone's emotions run high after a new baby. I thought the whole family had gone crazy! Btw congrats on your baby girl.

Cornishclio · 06/03/2016 17:22

Goodness she sounds unhinged. Why on earth would you take your 5 day baby out in the cold to show her off to MILs workmates who presumably you do not even know. I imagine you are still trying to recover too so that is a totally unreasonable request no matter how much MIL wants to show her off. If your OH will not say anything to her I suggest you either ignore her or just say you are not doing that. It is certainly not something I would have requested when my daughter and SIL had our first grandchild last year. I think you are justified in feeling annoyed. It will be her fault if her behaviour means you distance yourself and Ruby from her a little. How sad when this should be a joyous occasion.

As for looking like your OH it is actually a scientific fact that a lot of babies do tend to look like their dads initially but they soon change as they get older. Apparently it is natures way of helping Dads bond with baby.
My 5 month old DGD looked the spitting image of her dad when she was born, my SIL but now she is starting to show traits of my daughter. Try not to take that to heart and maybe your MIL is just tactless. Congratulations and happy Mother's Day.

schlong · 06/03/2016 17:25

Your mil is normal if selfish infantile narcissistic inconsiderate bitch is your idea of normal. Be very careful and make it clear she's not to muscle in on your mothering. Call her out on anything you feel uneasy about. Assert your authority and don't let her undermine your role. It's all about power with these types. If she persists in her weirdness keep Ruby at arm's length of her. Good luck. It's a stress and a strain. I've been there. You hold the cards though.

MadamDeathstare · 06/03/2016 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

annandale · 06/03/2016 17:32

I do think this will settle down but that doesn't have to mean you do anything that could upset you or the baby. A few 'Mm-hmms' and changing the subject will be OK for some of it. As for the work visit, that's just - well, I would think that anyone who brought any newborn to a random workplace full of germs would be a bit off, never mind a premature baby who just needs to be at home with their parents. Let's face it, it's nice seeing colleague's babies and a good chance to down tools for ten minutes, but it's not something we lie awake anticipating, is it?

Creampastry · 06/03/2016 18:05

Stand firm otherwise she'll be likecthiscfirecer, she's crazy.

Creampastry · 06/03/2016 18:06

Be like this forever

ravenmum · 06/03/2016 18:06

I'm with Yoko. Used to be worried about people thinking I was a bitch so fell over myself trying to be nice and they still thought I was a bitch. Wasn't until I channelled my inner bitch that they started being more respectful.

Use as few excuses or explanations as possible as it just gives them something to argue with. Just say "No" or "I'm not going to do that" and repeat ad nauseam.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 06/03/2016 18:18

Laugh it off OP. It's the only way. My mil did this about ONE of my dts. Everything she does is just like FILs family. The other one, the one that actually looks like her gets ignored.

Wind her up
"You need a proper handbag photo for your work. We'll get some done soon but in the meantime here is one of me as a baby. No one will be any the wiser because we look so alike"

Everytime she farts say it smells just like dps. Isn't that sweet.
Everytime she makes a poo face choose that moment to say "mostly i don't agree she looks like your family but every now and then when she has a certain expression, I can see what you mean"

And if she starts pressuring you to do certain things - with mine it is always how their hair is done I say "what a lovely idea. You can do that with your next child" smile sweetly walk away

I know I'm.a bit of a cunt. Mostly I say it in my head. Sometimes out loud just to keep my sanity.

MabelFurball · 06/03/2016 18:28

No, your MIL is not normal. Feel sorry for the poor saps she works with.

NickiFury · 06/03/2016 18:35

My MIL was like this, not quite as bad but bad enough. Also with the constant emphasising how DS looked nothing like me or my family ; he is my side through and through even how as a teenager. I pussy footed around it for ages, right up till my second child was born in fact. Something about being a mother a second time gave me strength or maybe I was just so tired and grumpy I literally had no patience left. There was a massive bust up and floods of tears and guilt tripping but I couldn't have cared less and frankly I just wish I had done it sooner. Do it sooner and as rudely and assertively as possible. It's the only language people like that understand. She's already trying to air brush you out.

Whatdoidohelp · 06/03/2016 18:37

Start putting your foot down now before she takes over because she will.

Lovely name btw

LuluJakey1 · 06/03/2016 19:10

Nope, she's not normal. She is emotionally abusive and controlling.

Just take control of you and your daughter, your house and your life- don't let her have any say at all. None of her business. Don't say yes to anything you don't want to. Don't beat around the bush either. Just say 'No, I won't be doing that. It isn't something I want to do.' Let her get on with her huffs and don't react at all.

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