How unforgivable is this?

[Dixie2016]

Maybe it's not and I'm just creating drama but it feels pretty big to me.

I lost my father not so long ago and am struggling recently with my grief. I keep dreaming about him. This week would have been a milestone birthday for him, it's also the first birthday since he died. Anticipating that I might struggle on the day I told my husband several weeks ago that I'd appreciate it if he'd not make any plans or commitments that would stop him from coming straight home from work.

You can see where this is going right? He had a work meeting with a client that turned into drinks. Whilst he wasn't more than about 45 minutes late home he was clearly the worse for wear. Not falling over drunk but blathering crap and not really following a conversation drunk.

I got annoyed with him and we had a row. He doesn't consider what he did to be bad in any way. He's apologised that I feel he disregarded me and my feelings. That drinks were offered in a swanky venue and he couldn't pass up the opportunity. I think he should have kept it to one or two max and come home sober.

He knows I don't enjoy his company when he's had too many. He talks utter random crap ie "what do you want for dinner? That's a government response!". I mean that makes no sense at all. How is someone like that going to offer any support or comfort?

I feel very hurt and as though he couldn't give a toss about me. He prioritised having drinks ffs!

If my DH asked me to do this, it have it as a diary entry in my Outlook and would be extra attentive all day too, ringing to make sure he's ok etc.

I don't think it was too much to ask if your DH.

My rule of thumb would be to reverse the scenario. If he'd been you and asked you for support and understanding, what would you have been likely to have done? Would you have considered getting drunk and being late ok? I wouldn't!

You were entirely reasonable to ask. He is a dick for coming home pissed and what shines a clear light on him is his refusal to give a proper apology. It's not good enough

No I absolutely wouldn't.

He always has this way of acting the opposite way to what he says, then gets annoyed when I point it out. So he lets me down about something and when I say I don't feel cared for he will tell me I'm wrong.

So it's not a one off?

I think the small difficult baby is a significant part of this. If you didn't have the baby you would have more resilience and also more freedom / energy to seek support or distraction from other friends. It's not fair that your energy and resources are being sapped by the baby, which is both of your baby, and he isn't helping to make up for it when you need it most.

Of course he could have limited his drinks. At a work do it probably doesn't reflect well on him if he was talking crap. (although depends on the industry.)

If he got very caught up in an important meeting and the drinks and forgot your request, that's a little poor, but these things happen. The fact that he won't apologise properly is worse.

He isn't saying "sorry I forgot and was useless to you, I regret it and apologise" but "sorry you were needy" which is wrong and meaningless. He is quite deliberately distancing himself from having any responsibility for emotionally or practically supporting you - not though ignorance of what you need or want on any given day, but even when specifically asked. He is quite deliberately sending you a humilating message that "you can ask for this, but you won't get it, and it's not for me to feel bad about that."

Think about what this means for you, especially now you have a baby.

On the one hand, some people deal badly with other people's grief. They're not emotionally equipped, or whatever. If he's worried about losing his mum, he may be in denial about that and trying to stick his head in the sand about the effect that the death of your parent has had on you. I am not saying this is okay, but some people haven't been equipped to deal with this sort of thing by their upbringing etc.

On the other hand, his behaviour since then is less than ideal. He's probably shitting himself (as well as parental mortality it's probably reminding him of his own mortality) but taking that out on you is not okay. I don't think it's unforgiveable... but he does need to realise and acknowledge that you need support. I think that's what you need to emphasise. You need support.

No it's not a one off.

It wasn't even a do. It was a meeting where someone said " fancy a drink?". So yes he could easily have said that he couldn't as he had stuff on that evening or whatever.

He maintains that because he " bends over backwards" for me that i shouldn't mind when he " drops the ball" on things like this. His examples of bending over backwards? Cleaning ( he does very little), taking the baby when I'm stressed and sorting out a card for me for Mother's Day. When I pointed out they are just normal things he argued that they were not as many men do not pitch in.

That's what I'm dealing with!

When I say I feel uncared for when he lets me down, I'm wrong that actions speak louder than words because he " knows what's in his head".

I think you need to have an almighty row to clear the air 'cause hubby obviously doesn't realise how much you are hurting.
There is no textbook way of dealing with this.
My heartfelt condolences to you OP, I cannot begin to imagine how much you must be grieving the loss of your Dad.

I've lost both my parents. DH parents are both alive and kicking.

My DH doesn't get it sometimes when it comes to significant dates m- Mothers Day for example !

Unless you've lost a parent I don't think you empathise.

Dixie, I didn't mean one off in terms of the evening or drinking
I meant in terms of dismissing your feelings, your reply makes it clear that he does this all the time.

So you know what I'll say next...!

"He maintains that because he " bends over backwards" for me that i shouldn't mind when he " drops the ball" on things like this. His examples of bending over backwards? Cleaning ( he does very little), taking the baby when I'm stressed and sorting out a card for me for Mother's Day. When I pointed out they are just normal things he argued that they were not as many men do not pitch in."

this is terrifying. I had one of those. the clanging bells of doom are ringing for me at "bend over backwards" and "many men ..." He's a sexist twat who thinks that he's being potentially humiliatingly taken for granted by doing anything at all for a woman, that the natural order is that women do things for men. And the drink too. Totally unreliable when some man offers a drink. Nothing is more important than drinking with bros.

"knows what's in his head" ugh this too - the aggrieved superiority of the full knowledge of his intentions.

Hmmm well I think his behaviour is low and I'd also be making a big deal out of this. I don't know that it's unforgivable but he would certainly need to actually apologise, not the patronising 'sorry you feel that way' line. And he would need to understand that keeping to an agreement and being there for you emotionally is non-negotiable.

I've noticed that men often don't realise how boring, useless and deeply unattractive they are when they're tipsy.

We've had the row tonight. He still thinks I'm in the wrong and not him.

It's true that nobody gets it unless it's happened to them. I've been shocked by how some close friends have barely mentioned it, like it wasn't a significant event at all.

Sorry about your dad. My mum recently passed away too and she was young. People don't tend to get it at all but it does make the ones who do more special.

Howbadisthisplease I think I must be married to your ex

It's true that nobody gets it unless it's happened to them

I don't agree. I have all of DH's dated in my diary. Birthdays, mothers/Father's Day, death, heart attack date, first stroke...

I was the one caring for his family until they passed. I see my DH looking off into the distance and see the pain he feels each day. I see him and his DSIS avoiding each other on the significant dates because they both hurt too much now to open the wounds. I took my DH to the GP and arranged DH's CRUSE. I'm the one who went into my DD's school because she wasn't coping with her grief and seeing his, then arranged counselling through the moving on project for her. He never saw it and it was left to me because he was hurting so much.

I hurt because my DH hurts and my DD fell apart, as well as the loss I felt. Mine won't be anywhere close to what he's feeling or how out of control my DD felt, but I 'get it' because I'm the one holding the family together

Well I certainly understand your hurt and resentment. I would be very hurt, and frankly I definitely wouldn't forgive it easily. However when he's sober, without saying a word I'd make it quite clear how hurt I was. If it takes days before the penny drops I'd wait till then. I would expect more than a simple verbal apology. I'd want grovelling with flowers and more. BUT I would forgive, because in marriage people do disappoint each other occasionally. Sometimes badly, it is a balancing act between reasonable expectations and allowance for imperfect human fault. Very very sorry about your dad

He thinks he's great because he's not quite as shit as some other blokes. That's blatant. I bet there's a load of back story. I would encourage you to be stepping back and taking a long hard look at him and the future you might have with him x