Just a phase or major problem???

[waitinggame]

My dh and I fell pregnant acidently during our teenage years and having been together for a while decided to do the honest thing and get married.

We have only been married a few years and the cracks are already starting to show.

My dh has never been the romantic sort and we have never had a very intimite or strong sexual relationship which never really worried me before as I didn't know any better.

However a few weeks ago I did an awful thing and met a man. I got very drunk (which I know is no excuse) and ended up sleeping with him.

I have since cut all ties with this man but I can't stop thinking about what my life would be like if I'd never got married. I'm still young and think I deserve to be loved.

My dh and I are the very best of friends and I love him but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore and I think the feeling is mutual.

Has anyone gone through this with their dh's. I don't know if I should be content with the life I have chosen or look for something else.

We have also been trying for another baby as our dd is 4 now but I think it's just something else to keep us busy - keep our minds off the fact our relationship is over?!?!?!?

HELP!!!!!

Am I being shunned for being a terrible wife or is there simply knowone around to give advice?!?!

Sorry I've no advice but just didn't want you to think you were being shunned/ignored. Hopefully someone with advice will be along soon. xxx

No I'm sure you're not being shunned. I have never been in your situation so I haven't got any advice. I would say, however, that you should stop trying for a baby until this is resolved.

Hi waiting game
I think it's quiet this afternoon. I hope that someone who has some exp of this can help you. Have you spoken to your DP about how you are feeling and asked him if he does feel the same (as you think?) I'm not suggesting you tell him about the one night stand but it sounds as tho what you did was a symptom of how you are feeling now, rather than the cause. It sounds as tho there's still love there between you but maybe it has been sidelined - often happens with small children. I would stop trying to get pregnant - that is one complication you don't need if you are unsure about your future with DP. Perhaps Relate can help you get back on track? Hope someone who has been there can give you some more help.

I think you sound like a perfect candidate for counselling - ie Relate. If you love him and you are best friends and you once fancied your husband (I presume you did?) and felt a spark, then you may well be able to make things better. It sounds as if your dh loves you but isn't good at showing it in a way that makes you feel good. What would you like your relationship to be like? What could you do that would make it more like that?
The thrill of an illicit sexual encounter might be a wakeup call for your marriage, but don't fool yourself that those feelings would last or have any real meaning.

well thanks for making me feel loved Coppertop :-)
I know there are people out there that think what I've done is terrible and I can't defend it.

I didn't see this message until now--glad you bumped it up.

You were awfully young when you married dh. Some young marriages work, but lots don't. Often you aren't even fully developed yet when you get married at such a young age. I don't really blame you for having the affair [grabbing protective helmut as I write this] as I'm sure the temptation was very great given the abrupt ending to your youth. That said, this business about loving dh but not being in love with him--that's so tricky. I think that's the question at any age. If you do move on, you might find yourself in a similar position of questioning if & when you do find a new partner and live with him for a while. So while my gut feeling is that you might do well to move on, I also know that it's possible to come up against the same wall at a later date IYSWIM.

I haven't been through this either but my dh said to me the other day that he feels like he's in a loveless relationship right now. So we're having our own problems. Whenever I can I try and get dh to talk about how he feels. Maybe your could do the same.

Waitinggame - no-one is judging you here. You've got to put it behind you and move on. You've cut all ties to the man - what is important is you resolve things with your DP.

waitinggame do not know aht to say some flings help to heal a marriage if it reminds you that you do want to work things out do the pros for staying out way the cons Agree with Kand the girls and stop trying a new baby never solved anything concentrate on establishing new relationship with DH

Thanks for ur messages - I haven't spoken to my dh about the problems in our relationship. I'm frightened that saying it out loud will confirm everything I've been thinking I guess. I've been with my dh for so long (even though we are young) I'm very frightened of being on my own.

My one night stand was not just a wake up call about my marriage - it made me realise I'm a woman - hich might sound silly. This man made me tingle more in 1 night than my dh has ever I think. Thats a terrible thing to say I know but unfortunatly it's true.

Firstly, you need to sit down and decide what you want to do - do you want to stay or not? Are you prepared to live like this for the next 50 plus years. If the answer is no then you need to decide if you can fix it or not. This means deciding what you want and realistically looking at whether DH can provide it. You also need to look at your own shortfalls and decide whther you can do anything about them. When you have got to this stage you need to sit down with DH quietly and tell him what the problems are and whether or not they are fixable, he has to then agree (either way).Don't try for another baby, if it doesn't work out there will be another consideration. People do this, buy a new house, start building extensions, have another kid all to keep their minds off their problems. Sort your problems first. Try to forget that you slept with this other man and don't try to assuage your guilt by telling DH, it can do no good. You've done it, realised your mistake and finished it - telling him can only hurt him. You need to act now and make decisions, the longer you leave it the harder it will get. Relationships do lull into this fraternal zone unless you work at them. Make your mind up now as to whether it is worth your time and effort (it will be plenty of both). Good luck to you - no-one can really advise you, only you know how you feel.

sorry to hear of your troubles Flip. You must be so sad by your dh's comments. It's good you can talk though - I don't feel I have that option - bit like opening a can of worms.....

Lust is not the same as love and you should not mistake it for the same thing maybe you and DH could practice making you tingle I would discuss problems but not mention this

messages crossed - when you say he made you feel like a woman - I know exactly what you mean - I have 3 great loves in my life - my dh who is the kindest best man ever, a brilliant father and excellent companion, an ex lover who was the great sexual love of my life but who was a complete knob in every other way too and a man who is like a soul mate but only in one direction i.e. he treated me badly even though I loved him desperately. There is more to a relationship than the big 'O'- weigh up your options very carefully.

Helsbels, and everyone else,

Thanks for the words of comfort. My situation is more complicated than I have gone into. Aside from being young, married and the one night stand. We have a very close nit group of friends who have all known each other for years. They are all in couples and to loose my dh would probably mean loosing my friends as well. I know it's not a reason to stay together but lots of people live contently as husband and wife don't they???
Its not like we argue all the time - we are very good friends, we're just not good at the physical and romance side of things - it's more like companionship

If you are friends there is always hope friendship lasts and physicl attraction fades or wanes but is fun keeping that spark alive perhaps you just need time alone to develop your relationship

It's a very good reason to stay together if it is important to you - I had the same situation with my first marriage. If you do decide to split, you will make other friends - I have- but it is still a major consideration. Why should you throw away a complete way of life? I honestly do understand where you are at and feel for you. It is easier, though, to make a new life when you are younger so start thinking about what you want. If you want to chat privately, e-mail me, I have a good idea what you're going through and will try to be honest (sometimes brutally!!)

Thank's so much - am quite new to this and don't know how to e-mail you but just knowing that someone doesn't think I'm a terrible cow makes it better.

I'm going home now and don't have internet access at home butwould like to talk tomorrow if you have a chance.

I'll be here - all you do is go to contact another talker - they forward an e-mail on for you. Take care

You are not terrible use conatact a talker to email people .

What you've done is not terrible at all. If you are feeling unloved it's the easiest thing to fall into someone else's arms. But this guy might have made you tingle when your dh doesn't for all kinds of reasons - because it was something new which is always more exciting, because you're older than you were when you started out with dh and a woman's body and sexual responsiveness matures, because it was illicit...
It's hard, probably impossible, to keep up the sexual frisson you have at the start of a relationship, and most relationships do tend to fall into a more companionable phase, with more companionable sex, which is nice but not so exciting. And of course having young children makes it even harder as you can't be as spontaneous and you're more tired.
However it does sound like there is love between you, and sex lives can be spiced up if that's what you want and you are prepared to talk and put in a little work and imagination.
You need first to examine your feelings about him closely. Are they really just friendly or have you just fallen into the comfort zone and both stopped trying? How would you feel, for instance, if you found out that he'd had a one night stand? If the answer is jealous then you probably still have something worth working at.
Good luck.

I have been thinking about this over night and I've re-read all your great advice from yesterday.

My dd is at a stage right now where she need a sibling - I don't want her to be an only child as she loves other kids.

I think my best bet is to put my feelings aside and do whats best for her. My dh is a brilliant dad and I would rather have 2 children with the same man and worry about my life and feelings later on when the kids are grown up and can understand.

My dh and I still get along and living with your best friend doesn't seem so bad to me.

If he did have a one night stand I don't think I would be worried, upset, jelous. I think it would be a relief that he is going through the same as me.