I can't marry my dp

[Awoof]

I can't marry him and I don't think I love him :(
I do love him as a friend very much, and as dad to our dd (3). We've had some difficult times and gotten through them together, he proposed during a particularly bad patch and slowly things have improved to where we are now.
Every cell in my body is telling me not to marry him. Although things have improved financially since I returned to work, and he gained a promotion, I have seen parts of his personality that I really don't like.
Jealous, mean, spiteful, lazy..

I have been sort of bumbling on, ignoring it but last weekend I lost it and it all came out, he was very apologetic and remorseful and tried hard- cooking/buying flowers etc.
Then last night I went for a coffee with my best friend and came home again to the cold shoulder, house a state, nothing done for dd (ie packed lunch/clothes etc)
I'm just fucking fed up of it and I can't be with him.

I think I can save up enough to leave in about 6 months, I woulf be happy for custody to be 50/50. He is a good dad, just not the man I want to spend the next 50 years of my life with.
How do I do this? I'm scared to tell him it is totally over because I know he won't leave and life will be miserable.
Do I get my ducks in a row and bite my tou ge for now?
Sorry this is a ramble, I don't have much rl support, and have no dmum/friend who would be suitable to stay with.
Thanks if you made it all the way through!

To answer a pp if I do go to the cinema with my friend or go out for coffee then I will come home to being ignored, or swipes at my mothering "forgotten you've got a child then?"

This type of thing can be overlooked for so long, until you look back one day and realise you have stopped making plans with dear friends because that is easier than dealing with the atmosphere that surrounds an outing. This is abuse OP. There is no doubt about it.

His reaction to your new job (and independence) is the same. He wants to isolate you, so you are dependent on him.

Please don't feel embarrassed. The likelihood is that this has crept in over time. It chips away at our confidence and our feelings, and it happens gradually. If a man acted like this in the first few weeks most of us would run for the hills.

You sound really strong, and you are realising it in time, before you are married. That is good. Keep going. You will be free of him one day soon.

Thankyou lizkeen.
That's exactly it. I would never date someone like the person he has morphed into.
When he said that re- forgotten my child it felt like an absolute sucker punch but I just smiled and carried on making breakfast. One of those real out of body experiences.
Struggle to use the word abused, because I feel like I see it and I'm pushing back. Manipulated, yes absolutely. I think me being tired and busy with dd has meant I've taken the easy road and gone along with it.

And, not that I really have to justify myself but I have been out in the evening 4 times in 3 years, so it's not as though I am always leaving them etc

No, you are right, you don't have to justify yourself. But you still did. Because out of everything he could have said to you, he commented on your relationship with your child and made out you were a bad mother. That is bound to hurt most women. It would hurt me, no matter how much I knew it wasn't true. He has planted seeds of doubt in your head. And every now and then he will poke and prod just a little bit until you start to wonder if he is right.

My god he is not right though. I go out with my friends whenever I want. I rarely go drinking these days, as its not my scene, but I go out for dinner, or to the cinema, at least once a month. More some months. DH doesn't bat an eyelid.

Just because you recognise it and push back doesn't mean he's not abusive to you.
Is there money available? Could you access savings accounts to get a deposit for a flat? is it really necessary to wait and save?

He doesn't want you to have friends, or independence. He wants you home cooking dinner and then cleaning it all up. He makes you feel tense and unconfident. When he's not around, you feel more relaxed. Do not suggest counselling to him! He will use it to manipulate you. Get over to the EA threads.

'When I asked if it would be okay to go London to see a show with friend. ' As if you were 16. Looking after his child occasionally is not his doing you a favour. He should want to. I enjoy it when DH goes out with his mates from time to time. I do, too. Now ours are a bit older, we both go on longer holidays/weekends away with friends. He goes to car conventions, I go on hillwalking trips. It's no biggie, to look after our own children on a our own for a few nights, as long as we have advanced notice wrt work schedules.

Thank you. It's so so good to be able to speak and have my thoughts confirmed.
I appreciate it so much.
No savings but I have a couple of items worth maybe 500 that would speed things up if I sold them. Musical instruments left to me by my uncle, he doesn't know that they are worth anything.
Would just be so sad to part with them so might look into pawning them if it starts to get too much while I'm saving.

Don't pawn them. Just save up your £200/month. £1200 should go a long way especially as you are working. If you can work any more hours, do that, too.

YY up your hours at work. Is there anything else you can ebay? I'd try and hang onto thte instruments and only sell them if absolutely necessary. And start moving small things to your friend's house. Then if you do need to get away quick, there is less to carry and think about. If he asks (which he probaby wont) just say you've taken a few things to the charity shop.

About your friendships that melted away when you became pregnant. Did they melt away or did he make it difficult for you to maintain them?

If he knows that you value (sentimentally or otherwise) the instruments, I suggest taking them to your friend's house for safekeeping.

Every post you make, he's sounding worse and worse. He is definitely controlling you. You might find Living with the Dominator a very eye-opening read.

The comment about "forgotten you've got a child then?" is just I think I'd have probably blurted back "No, but I forgot her dad was such a cunt."

Sound like you know your own mind and are very clear about wanting out. Deciding is one of the biggest hurdles, so well done for getting to that point.

Now, you need to decide the speed and the method of bringing things to an end. Won't be easy but sounds like the right thing. Best of luck

I think you are right. Have decided to start a box to keep with my friend which I can do this week, also began a supermarket gift are yesterday after seeing it on another thread.
Starting to feel much more in control and even a tiny bit excited :)

Well done. Hold onto that excitement as a little hint of how good it will feel when you are actually free