found husband is gambling again!

[confusedlilly]

I need advice on what to do.. I'm over emotional as 37 weeks pregnant with dc2.

Background: husband had a major gambling issue before we were together. He opened upto me when we had been together for 6 months as he was in a considerable amount of debt. I helped him sort it out and sorted him out a debt management plan. This was 5 & half years ago. Since then we have married and now about to have our 2nd child. Since we moved in together I have always been in charge of all our bills and he transferred me the contribution from his wages.
He also set up his own business 4 years ago which is going very well.

I have always struggling with the fact he might be gambling still but haven't had any proof. Until now...

I am his business accountant, I logged onto the our shared computer system and went to save something in his computer folder, and saw a unnamed document. I opened it and it's his personal bank statement which I have never had access to or seen. I have seen how much he has uploaded onto a gambling site (bet fair) in one month. It was a lot of money. All our bills are still paid as I do those and we have a lot of money in savings as we are applying for a mortgage atm. I'm not conceded about debt I'm heartbroken over the lies he is telling me when he says he isn't gambling.

To try and appear ok with him and show I trust him he went to a casino with his friend and played poker. Now I have no idea whether he was or not.

Technically I snooped so how do I say anything? Help

I just feel very vulnerable atm and scared he will just leave me if I confront him. As I said he gets very defensive when being confronted.

I also know if I don't say anything it will carry on and I will just end up feeling worse

Yes, you are frightened of him that much is clear

What sort of relationship is it when you cannot reasonably bring up your objection to his secretive, dishonest and damaging behaviour ?

I'm not frightened of him, I am frightened of being on my own.

Why ? You are the one that has held this shit together so far. You would be better not being badly accompanied. A liar is never going to keep you safe. You are more vulnerable with him than you could ever be on your own.

Iv just been on his iPad and on App Store and can see all his downloaded apps, I can see the betfair app had been downloaded. It's not on his iPad just on his phone tho.

There are a couple of other betting ones but looking into those they are the game ones where it's just pretend money not real money if that makes sense

He is so lucky to have you and he is prepared to blow absolutely everything.

He is a gambler. You will always have problems with this - if you're lucky it means you have to work full time but can never afford a holiday. If you're unlucky you'll lose your home. And you can lose your home if he runs up debts - this is ALWAYS possible.

I would separate from him. When I read your posts it makes me think of a police officer watching a suspect. I couldn't live like that - it sounds awful.

Keep yourself and your baby safe and live separately from him.

I'm not going to be able to sleep. I'm going to confront him now.

He is downstairs playing on the PlayStation.

I'm just going to be honest with how I found out. Wish me luck

You're doing the right thing. It's a horrible situation. Good luck.

You're doing the right thing. It's a horrible situation. Good luck.

Oh Ruby thats not good :(

Have you actually seen the accounts?

O ruby I am sorry. I hope it's not the worst.

I did it, I confronted him, he had no choice to admit it all. He showed me his bank and he hasn't gambled since January (the bank statement I saw was for December)

He told me, it comes in waves. When he is stressed (work is hard, or we aren't getting on etc) he turns back to gambling as an escape. He knows it will happen again and has said he wants to get help.

He told me he broke down and told his close friend after this last episode and said he wanted to get help but told his friend he couldn't tell me, he didn't want to hurt me. But on the other hand it was getting harder the more he was lying to me. He said I know you have known deep down for a while and I agreed I had but didn't have the proof to confront him.

He has suggested handing over his bank card to me and me have access to everything and I can give him cash to spend (all his gambling was online so he says). And he has already (the same as what I did last night) looked into ga meetings. He said unless I told you I couldn't go as i would be more suspicious about where he was going every week. So he has said he is going to the first one next week.

I have told him although he telling me all the right things the lies have hurt me, I want to support & help but It's going to take time to believe a word he says.

I said at the moment my only comfort is that I now you haven't gambled bill money or savings etc. I think that's why I was so calm in my approach to it. But it hurts like hell.

Well done for confronting him! The hard part is knowing whether they are truly remorseful and want to stop.

Id suggest he contacts all the gambling sites he uses and does self exclusion, also if you contact the bank, they can put a block on the websites too.

My husband has no bank, he can take my card to sainsburys etc but cant withdraw money... why would he when theres bookies on every damn corner in this country.

Apparently he blocked himself after this last episode. But he said he knows that's not enough as he said if he needed to gamble there is always a way.

I'm going to be checking all this today. He has suggested this morning he closes his bank and we open a joint bank account that I can access on a daily basis and check what he is spending. (I will still keep all my money &I our savings separate from him tho)

I wouldn't open a joint account, I wouldn't as it gives him access to all your money,
He can get his pay put into your account you manage all the bills and you give him cash weekly

Great work on confronting him, lilly Just make sure he's not saying what he thinks you want to hear. He needs to be actively preventing his access to gambling with concrete measures that you can see.

He's right when he says if he's determined to gamble he can get round anything but that's no reason not to make it as hard as possible. With bank accounts the way we have set it up is that dh has a basic bank account with no OD purely for receipt of his salary which I then switch to my account. Several banks offer these but they are not well publicised as they don't make anything on them. I have the card to it and he has the card to the joint account which I run.

Dh doesn't carry any cash as FOBT's were an issue for him. If you do give your husband cash, make sure you see receipts for everything that's spent. Even if his problem was originally online it's possible for the addiction to switch to other variants.

ruby - watch the resentment. It's not a good sign. Dh was full of it and it led to him opening a secret bank account and taking more loans behind my back so don't let the checks lapse whether he likes it or not.

Well done lily

Ruby, his extreme defensiveness is a poor sign. He is hiding something.

So ruby in his world the issue is you insisting on transparency and not him for causing the issue in the first place?

I cant see this ending well tbh, even if he isnt gambling at the moment, because he simply does not see to accept the damage and hurt that his addiction has caused you. Until he does that, he will never break free of the addiction.

Been a long day!

The joint bank account, will not have an overdraft etc. It won't have my wages going into it. I think his thoughts are so I can access it whenever I want to, he will still have his spending money in there but I will transfer the bill money out as normal I can just see how/where he is spending his money. He also banks with a different bank to me so he is thinking I can have access to the joint account on my banking app I use. Easier for me

He doesn't tend to ever really have a lot of cash. It tends to be the odd little bit here and there but a very good point about if I notice a lot of cash withdrawals I will tell him I will be Wanting to see receipts etc.

We have looked on GA and found the next local meeting is next Friday, so he is going to attend that. Is there any kind of formal counselling we could look into?

One thing I don't know whether to do is as he has stated his gambling comes in waves the last one ending in January which I can see by his recent bank stuff he has showed me. Is do I want to look back and see how often these episodes occur? Do I want to torture myself with that, or shall I just concentrate on the fact that I now know he has been gambling again and the steps to try and move forward?

I also now know the password for his mobile phone so I can access that if I wanted to. I have asked him to show me all the apps he has on there, I have told him I won't just sit and go through his phone whenever he leaves it around but it's the fact that I can do it if I want does that make sense?

I would take him up on the offer to close his account and use an account you can see. You will also need to keep a close eye on his credit reports to make sure he hasn't opened another behind your back.

Counselling is a good idea. He will need to get to the roots of his compulsion to gamble if he's to be successful in recovery. Gamcare offer free sessions and I think they are available online if he can't attend in person.

I think I'd take a look at the old accounts too. It's a nightmarish read but seeing someone else looking through it is another way of bringing the reality of what he's been doing home to him. Likewise the phone. Get suspicious if you ever can't get into it though. Don't let him fob you off with excuses.