DH just threw a bag of dirty rubbish and compost on the floor in a rage...Not normal is it?!

[SnozzberryWibble]

We were having a row about a trivial matter. The subject matter was something really geeky... Basically a kind of maths problem. It seems his ego is so fragile he can't bear to have me thinking he's wrong about something, so even a frivolous topic can lead to a bitter row. Yes, I'm stubborn too, but although I'll never let him "win" by agreeing with him, I am usually the first one to say "Hey, I'm bored of this discussion, let's just stop now."

Anyway, I was frustrated with the continuing row and told him "get a grip!", as he was going to take some rubbish bags out. That throwaway remark pushed him over the edge, in anger he threw the rubbish bag and open compost caddy onto the floor which went everywhere. So disgusting.

Then he refused to clear it up without my help, claiming it's my fault the rubbish ended up on the floor as I intentionally annoyed him.

I get that sometimes I am no angel, saying things that rile him up when I should know better. But that doesn't give someone the excuse to behave badly, right? Even if I was being a total cow, it doesn't excuse behaving badly, does it? I mean, if my toddler is having a tantrum, it wouldn't mean it's then okay for me to start throwing stuff around...

WTF?! This is not normal behaviour, right?

You are correct, that is not normal

It's also not normal for you to clear it up. Why did you do that ?

No, he is behaving like a child. If saying things that rile him up means you're simply disagreeing with him then that's quite worrying. I wouldn't help clear up and i would be concerned about my relationship.

i'm not too appalled at the throwing the stuff on the floor, but I am, that he expected you to help clear up. He chucked it, he cleans it.

To clarify, I didn't help... I refused and eventually he saw sense and begrudgingly did it.. I refuse to be punished for his stupid actions! It's one thing saying stupid things but another thing actually doing stupid things...

Blah I feel so rubbish right now I feel like we've lost all respect for one another.

Why were you shouting at him about an argument you have finished and told him you were bored of? I think if you are angering someone and keep going then consequences may well be expressed anger..(in fact it's quite abusive to push someone until they express anger then say anger is wrong). What was the purpose of saying get a grip, and why are you on here seeking backup?

It can be normal depending how you were raised.

I remember being at primary school and the teacher came back from half term and had been on a seaside break. She had a stick of rock for every child in the class. I was so pleased. What kid doesnt like sweets.

I went home with it, as usual mum in a foul mood, shouting over something trivial. I riled her by being pleased as punch with my rock and she took it off me and threw it against the wall in a fit of rage smashing it in bits.

So I sat there sobbing and apologising and had to eat broken pieces of rock later.

TBH that kid of violence and throwing things was entirely normal to me. I;ve not done it to a partner though.

Is it possible he was raised thinking that kind of thing was normal.

I don't know. I know I could have been a bit less provocative. Saying "get a grip" was a bit childish. I'm not asking for backup as such but I just feel frustrated by the whole thing.

I think you did help him clear it up.

But for the sake of clarity, no matter how far you push someone verbally reacting with physical anger is never ok

what next...the bin thrown directly at a person ? A punch at the wall ? A punch at a head ?

SoThatHappened That's such a sad story. I really hope that's not the kind of environment we're providing for our toddler

It seems his ego is so fragile he can't bear to have me thinking he's wrong about something, so even a frivolous topic can lead to a bitter row. Yes, I'm stubborn too, but although I'll never let him "win" by agreeing with him, I am usually the first one to say "Hey, I'm bored of this discussion, let's just stop now."

That isnt normal either btw.

You both sound childish.

One ex once started a debate with me about how to pronounce "scone". he said it one way and I said it another. he went off on one saying your WILL LOSE any argument with me on this, I AM RIGHT.

I said to him, I dont give a fuck which way is correct and Im not arguing about it. That took the wind out of his sails and he didnt even answer.

The two of you if you are rowing about maths problems and neither one of you will back down out of spite, and its now degenerated into throwing things....what the hell are you going to do with real problems, i.e. illness, job loss if you constantly have to get one over on the other?

I think AF is right, after I raise my voice,I usually kill all the.members of everyone's immediate and extended family in the town I have raised my voice in. Total passivity and no emotion is very important in relationships.

Honestly AF... I am not that nice, I am pretty stubborn, and as a result I did stand my ground, well, sat my ground as it's after 9pm and therefore sitting-on-my-arse-o-clock. I didn't help him clear up... Too tired.

He does seem to react physically when we have a bitter row. One time he slammed a door so hard a slice of door splintered off and had to be glued back on

I really hope that's not the kind of environment we're providing for our toddler

Monkey see monkey do. I'm afraid that is precisely the environment you're providing. Maybe not breaking your childs things but if they see you disrespecting each other and sneering over who is right....he /she will grow up the same thinking that is fit behaviour towards your partner.

My whole family speak to each other like pieces of shit. No respect or care. it was how we were raised.

That really isn't normal, no. On a good day, when he's not being a wanker, can he ever acknowledge that it's not OK? Or do those conversations just never happen?

do you have a problem with me, lanark ?

best to spit it out so we can discuss it like adults, no ?

You both sound childish.

Yes, it is childish. I can't see any way out of this cycle of disrespect though Yes it does kind of feel like we try to one up eachother. Except I'll never win that game as he'll always be ahead of me in terms of career and life achievements. Why do we end up having these kind of stupid rows. It doesn't make sense.

At night if our toddler wakes up we basically hiss and swear at eachother angrily blaming the other one for making a noise or not doing the right thing to settle him back down again. Its just a total lack of respect for one another and I don't know how to get that mutual respect back again.

He sounds like a child .

I think we all lose it occasionally. I've certainly done things like this in the past - perhaps 3 or 4 times in 40 years. So, no, (in my case) it would not be normal, it would be an unusual reaction to being unusually angry.

Yes, it is childish. I can't see any way out of this cycle of disrespect though

I cannot break the cycle with my family. We speak to each other like crap as that is how we were raised. My mum provided a good role model in that screaming and swearing and blaming rather than dealing with issues constructively.

If I had my own family, if my DC ever spoke to me that way, if I ever spoke to them that way....what's the point?! I dont know why my mother raised us like that. This world is full enough of bitches and bastards trying to get one over on you without your own family doing it too.

I dont really know what to say. Maybe there is no point in the two of you being married?

I'll never win that game as he'll always be ahead of me in terms of career and life achievements.

oh fuck that.

If he feels superior to you and asserts that, seriously fuck it.