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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me to make this work

19 replies

devastated2016 · 03/03/2016 07:56

Ive lived with my husband for 17 yrs and married for two and a half of those

Last week I discovered, been admitted by him that hes had an affair for at least seven months that I know of, hes saying all the right things and making all the right moves but I really cant get past all the hurt, emotions and anger, I really do love him, i always have and he is insisting he loves me

He says no physical contact has been made by them but I cant believe a word from his mouth because for the last month Ive begged and pleaded with him to tell me the truth and each time he said there was nothing going on, but it seems i was right all along, after looking at his phone bill there are pages and pages of conversation between them and thats just his side of the conversation as she has called him etc

Please dont give negative feedback on this, I need to hear from people that have been through this and are out the other side, I need positives to help me make sense of it all, im so very angry and all we have done is argue, mostly me starting it all and I know neither of us can go on like this :(

OP posts:

madmother1 · 03/03/2016 07:59

My husband had an affair over 20 years ago. We gave it a go for another 15 years but eventually I realised I couldn't truly trust him. Now 5 years separated, it still hurts. Sorry, I feel for you x

madmother1 · 03/03/2016 08:01

Sorry, my reply is a bit negative. Could you try counselling?

Original poster

devastated2016 · 03/03/2016 08:06

Thankyou for your replies, we have an appointment with relate very soon, that was one of my suggestions at trying to get through this

OP posts:

bb888 · 03/03/2016 08:07

Is he really getting it right or is he just going through the motions. Honesty would be part of doing the right thing and he isn't doing that is he? Maybe counselling might help you both in figuring out what you both want and communicating better.

RiceCrispieTreats · 03/03/2016 08:21

The couples who get over affairs are the ones where the cheater admits full responsibility for their own actions, is completely truthful in answering their spouse's Qs, and willing to give their spouse all the time they need to get over the hurt. As well as access to their modes of communication with the other person.

Is this what your husband is offering you?

Original poster

devastated2016 · 03/03/2016 08:35

He is saying hes given me the truth but how can I believe him when hes been lying to me all this time?

Hes admitted hes responsible but also says the other woman was needing lots of support and he gave it to her, therefore passing some of the blame onto her, hes never said its my fault, he wouldn't dare

As for answering questions, I feel he only tells me what I have already proved or he knows I can prove, thats my opinion on it anyhow, he however sees it differently and says theres nothing more to know, he insists hes told me the truth, but he did that for weeks until backed into a corner of me finding evidence of his affair

He works with this woman and says hes told her no contact unless its to do with work, hes looking for another job although telling me how much he loves this but no guilt trip will work with me as ive told him, he has no one else to blame but himself

OP posts:

Original poster

devastated2016 · 03/03/2016 08:38

Soory a few typos there,

he told me for weeks there was nothing going on until backed into a corner
he loves his job he has now, but no guilt trip etc etc

OP posts:

RiceCrispieTreats · 03/03/2016 08:40

He's the one who's not making this work, OP.

Your thread title is so sad, like you're responsible for fixing what he's broken.

That's his job, if he's serous about saving his marriage.

aLeafFalls · 03/03/2016 08:47

I'm so sorry to hear this op, I know that terrible pain and the lack of trust.

I know you only want positive answers, but I would never advise anyone to "make it work". It's too painful, he's already shown you what he'll do.

My STBXH had an affair after about 4 years of marriage. I was shattered and worked so hard to fix things, rebuild my trust.

Then, he did it again. It would have been a positive for me to have walked away from the lies and deception the first time.

I know you don't want to hear this, so ignore me if you wish. Give yourself time to decide what you want to do.

bb888 · 03/03/2016 09:27

You can't trust him right now, and you probably don't want to be in a relationship with someone you can't trust.
He might be able to win your trust back in time, but that would take proper effort on his part, and it doesn't seem like he is making much of an effort in that direction.

FetchezLaVache · 03/03/2016 09:31

I hate to say it, devastated, but he's only admitted to that which he knows you know- he admit to a thing beyond that. He's not going to incriminate himself! This is why he only admitted to the conversations when confronted with the evidence. No wonder you don't feel you can trust him!

FetchezLaVache · 03/03/2016 09:31

*isn't going to admit to a thing beyond that

Isetan · 03/03/2016 10:00

If he's lied to you in the past and you think he's lying to you now, the chances are, he'll lie to you in the future. His suggestion that the OW being needy as a mitigation for his behaviour is just so pathetic, I can think of a million ways to show support for someone and it don't involve a penis or a vagina.

It sounds like he regrets getting caught (and the grief that comes with it) but doesn't sound like he understands, or cares, about how his past and present dishonesty is hurting you.

Ultimately you can't make him care or understand how his behaviour has hurt you, your responsibilities beginn and end in limiting your exposure to it.

Go to relate and see how serious he is, it will soon become apparent if hes killing time until you develop amnesia.

janaus · 03/03/2016 10:03

So sorry, in about same situation here. It's so heartbreaking, such a roller coaster of emotions. I am destroyed. 40 years of marriage. I am hoping counselling can help. Good luck.

nowyoucmo · 03/03/2016 10:06

So sorry to hear what has happened

Original poster

devastated2016 · 03/03/2016 10:07

Isetan, hes insisting he hasnt ever been alone with her therefore no penis or vagina has come into it (pardon the pun)

Im just doing the shouting and hes been taking it all week, I just dont know how much longer we can go on like this, I know its early days but to be perfectly honest we had a fantastic life together and I really cant understand how he felt he needed to support another woman and hide it all from me for months :( :( .....I would have been alongside him offering support too, given the oppertunity

OP posts:

MatrixReloaded · 03/03/2016 11:43

Many affairs have the dynamic of Dumsell In Distress and The White Knight. It's unlikely that he was supporting her in any real way. These things are about mutual ego boosting , not social work.

It might help you to learn more about affairs and how other people successfully get the truth. This site might be helpful talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/
You'll see that affairs are not really unique. Nearly all affairs start the same way. Nearly all cheaters do and say similar things. It's a universal script unfortunately.

Personally it's inconceivable that he's had a long affair with someone he works in close proximity with and no physical contact has occurred. He's doing what's known as trickle truth. He will admit to what you know ,and as you pile the pressure on he will trickle out a little more of the truth. Eventually he will probably admit to a little kiss that he heroically stopped with a dramatic statement such as "we can't do this".

Many people say that in order to save your marriage you have to be willing to lose it. I also wouldn't presume the affair is over , and if ow is married , I would tell her husband.

bb888 · 03/03/2016 11:47

I think that's a reall good point re being willing to lose it. If you can be brave enough to shift the dynamic enough so that all the effort has to come from him to maintain the relationship, then you can maybe start to have faith again. Otherwise though you won't know if he is just staying because it's convenient.

Jan45 · 03/03/2016 14:01

Well first off why are you asking how you can make it work, not your fault OP!

I wouldn't believe him either, he has fessed up due to being caught, whatever he has told you will be the tip of it, especially the non sex bit.

It's up to HIM to rebuild your trust, you should now be doing absolutely nothing, it should all be coming from him, doesn't sound like he's doing anything.

And until you kick him out you will continue to go around in circles, perhaps if he had some upheaval as a result of HIS actions, you might get close to finding out the truth, I don't know how you can share your home with him tbh.

All bad behaviour should have consequences - it's how we learn not to repeat the same mistakes.

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