Do I tell his mum I'm pregnant or leave this?

[Keljensen833]

I'm 19 and 29 weeks pregnant. The father is 21. We where "seeing each other" for a while back in the summer. It was never serious but at the time we did have feelings for each other and was more than just sex, eventually we argued over something silly and we just gradually stopped talking.

I found out I was pregnant at 5 weeks and told him straight away. We genuinely did use contraception but it ripped after he had finished and neither of us had any clue about the morning after pill. I told him I was pregnant and he was very upset, he didn't want to think about the option of keeping it and he asked me to get an abortion and told me he will always be there for me if I get one and whatever I need him to do he will do. He was lovely about it and understanding or how horrible it was but assuring that it was for the best. When I did talk about keeping it he would get scared, panicky and say he wasn't ready for a baby, couldn't have one etc. I told him that if I did keep it he wouldn't have to be involved and he told me that even if he wasn't involved it didn't make it any easier because the child was a part of him. He said he would have to cut us both off but his life and mindset would change and he didn't want that.

I felt bad because he seemed so lovely and I felt like I had made him scared and upset. I told him I had an abortion at 9 weeks. I explained it in detail (lied) and he was there for me.

I lied. I did go for a consultation but I just couldn't do it. I was convinced that I could do this all alone. It wasn't until yesterday I started thinking what will I tell my daughter when she asks about her dad when she's older, how he would feel if he found out 5-10 years down the line, how my daughter would hate me if she ever found out I kept it from him.

I told him on the phone that I lied about the abortion. He just hung up on me. I text him and he didn't reply he told me to leave him alone. He text me today saying that he can not believe I would lie in detail about something so serious then take advantage of him being there for me when I never even had one. He said that he didn't want this baby and that he is going to cut me out of his life and how it will be hard now he knows he has a child but he says its for the best for him. He asked me not to tell anyone and that it's the least I can do considering the lies. He said if I told anyone he's the dad and his family found out then they would be appalled at the fact he doesn't want to be involved.

I don't know what to do :( I can't do this on my own I don't want my daughter to have no father I know how it feels. I want to atleast be able to tell her I tried to get him to have a relationship with you. Possibly if she can't have a dad atleast she can have grand parents. I am just so worried and hurt. I tried to send him a scan picture but he said he couldn't look at it.

The only way I can contact his mum is through social media. I don't know if I should tell her or if I should just leave it. I really don't know.

Absolutely do not tell his mother - goddess, as usual, is spot on: you already have come across as lying (about the termination, and about the fact that you didn't want his involvement if you had the child) and manipulative (the lying, the emotional blackmail and now the desire to tell his mother) and as you clearly don't know this woman, it is unlikely you will receive the reception you desire. Instead, look to your own support network, and claim for support once the child is born. You may or may not end up with contact with his family for your child down the line: getting in contact in this way will udoubtedly end up in a poisoning of the relationship in one way or another - and as you don't know them, it may also turn out to be a curse.

A PP has talked about the issues she has faced over custody etc - that could also be your fate if you go about this in the wrong way: and for all you know, the GP might not be influences you want on your child's life.

It would be different if you already knew, liked, respected and had a relationship with them. However, your post comes over as wanting to get back at the man for not wanting to be involved (that's the same involvement you assured him you didn't want, by the way, at first) and smacks of trying to force his hand under the guise of "doing the right thing". Wait until the baby is born, and see whether his feelings change then - until then, initiate no contact with him or any of his family.

He should man up and take responsibility if you have sex you must understand pregnancy could result. I would tell his mother for sure why shouldn't she know. perhaps she can kick some sense into her son. She might be a good support too. Even if not at least she knows.

This is a classic situation where being adopted by a mature, stable couple would be greatly in the best interest of the child. The OP, if she is anti-abortion, could feel she did the right thing and move on with her life, and a young man who used contraception in good faith and was assured that he was NOT about to become a father could move on with his life as well.

Big hugs. What support do you have without him in the picture? My local children's centre runs a group for mums and pregnant womwn under 25, it's very popular for making friends in the same boat.

Personally I'd leave the father to it fopr now and I wouldn't involve his family at this stage. Give him some time to adjust. If he is earning or on JSA he will be financially obligated to some degree but you need not worry about that just now.

Focus on yourself and on the baby and developing support systems here and in real life to assist you.

I will add that as a first time pregnant mum,whether 19 or 39, everyone has 'oh God I can't do this' feelings. You can work through them with support to make choices and plans that suit you.

The fact is that this young man has not "dumped the Mother" as their brief relationship was over before the OP discovered she was pregnant, BlueEyes, and having acted in good faith by making himself available to her during the time she claimed she was having/had a termination, the OP chose to wait for some 19/20 weeks to elapse before informing him by text some 48 hours ago that she had lied.

In projecting your subjective feelings on to a dm you know nothing about, you may be encouraging the OP to do something she may have cause to regret as the dm in question may have considerable contraints on her time and/or no desire to be a "very actively involved Nanna" or it could be that, despite what the young man may have led her to believe, his entire family elect to close ranks against her when they are appraised of the full facts of the matter.

Given the same circumstances, I would suspect that any young woman who approached me without having given my 21yo ds the opportunity to come to his own decisions and resolve his own affairs was attempting to use me in order to exert emotional or other control over him and I would respond accordingly.

I remain of the opinion that the OP is best advised to do nothing in haste in the hope that this will lead to her gaining the maturity required to raise her dc as a single parent, which was her expressed intention when she decided to lie to the father of her as yet unborn dc.

It's not ideal goddess, but would you really reject your Grandchild? I would think that it had all been handled wrong (by both parties), and I would be shocked in the extreme (I'm not even near 50 yet, so I would be a young Nan), but ultimately, I would want to be in my Grandchild's life. No matter what. The Grandmother at least deserves that option. To let her live out her days, not knowing that she has a Grandchild up the road, is cruel.

I don't think you should contact his mum. You have had quite a while to process this news, he's had a bombshell dropped on him. You can't expect instance support and rushing to your side.

I also don't think it's your place to actively tell his family. You quite rightly get ultimate veto on what happens to your body but I don't feel like that should extend to telling his mum if he's asked you not to.

That doesn't mean I think you should lie if asked though.

Keep him in the loop and wait to see what happens over the next few months, he may come around but give him time to do so. And in the mean time find other people in your own friends / family etc to support you

Sorry for your situation. Two fingers to people judging I'm afraid, we have all done silly or ill advised things before and you know it's not ideal. All I would say is calm down, concentrate on your baby and make a measured decision later on. You told the dad, which was the right thing to do. Give him the chance to process and do what he thinks is right-he might surprise you. I do have a friend of a friend who was in almost exactly this position and on the end, she did tell his mother. The child now has a relationship with the granny and not with the father-sounds completely awful but bizarrely seems to work ok for them! Just keep healthy and get plenty of sleep for now-no rash decisions needed.

You don't know what sort of nutter this woman might be - just read some of the MIL threads to get an idea how evil some women can be to the younger women that their sons have chosen to be with much less ones that their sons have walked away from. So for that reason alone, I would say don't make contact. The truth of the matter is likely to be discovered, however, as the baby's father will be chased for maintenance I imagine and, unless he has a very well-paying job, the facts will come out.

we have all done silly or ill advised things before

I think it's really reprehensible to characterize the creation of a new human being, into disadvantaged circumstances with at least one unwilling bio-parent, as a trivial "silly or ill-advised thing." It's orders of magnitude worse than that, compounded in this case by mind games, deceit and secrecy that further deny this child a decent start in life. Assuring women that every pregnancy is wonderful and in the end all will be well - when there are umpteen tales a day right here on Mumsnet of the horrible, lasting and painful damage that a bad start in life does to people - is just irresponsible. Often, ALL does not end well.

I don't think you should tell her, at least not yet.

He has had a massive shock. You lied, you know that was wrong. Especially the bit where your described it.

You now reveal that was all lies. I think you at least need to give him sometime.

I think you are also doing this is the hope his parents will force him to have contact. That may not be the case, it may make him digs his heels in even more. It may make him withdraw from you and your baby even more.

You lied to him and now you are considering not even giving him time to process this.

There is also a chance he doesn't believe you.

His mother may end up being a nightmare for you.

I am not in anyway saying he has behaved fantastically. But you need to be fair too.

I am sorry but I struggling to understand how two adults have never heard of the MAP. Was this really the reason you don't take it? Or did you both think you would probably be ok.

You shouldn't have lied, but equally the way he was treating you was unacceptable. Abortion doesn't just make these things disappear, and I do think that is the attitude of twats like this.

I was a teen, single mum, after refusing to have an abortion despite pressure, so I empathize a lot with where you're at. A couple of things.

• Just because he didn't want the baby doesn't mean he gets to wash his hands of any responsibility, and, whilst I might get flamed for this, that includes financial.

• You say you can't do this alone. Well, sweetheart, contacting his family doesn't change the fact you will. They may well want to have some input, but you will be a single mother. That's okay, but don't try to look at this as the same thing as having support.

• His emotional blackmail of you regarding contacting his family is completely unacceptable, and you don't have to bow to it. What you do need to be prepared for is, if you tell them and he's not happy about it, for him to deny it completely. So telling them that he didn't want you to contact them would be a suggestion. Again, awarte that may be an unpopular opinion.

• Tell his family. They deserve to know they have a grandchild, and your daughter deserves to know she has a family.

• You will be okay. Being a young single mum is hard work, I won't lie, but it is okay.

In our far from ideal world it's often the case that news of an impending birth that hasn't been planned, and/or long anticipated, meets with a less than enthusiatic response, BlueEyes.

Regardless of whether a dc was of my blood I could, and would, never reject a child but, in circumstances such as the OP has described, this does not mean that I would rush to accept its mother.

We don't know whether the OP lives close to the young man's home but, assuming that his dm is of a similar age to yourself, time is not of the essence in appraising her of the fact that, if she's not already blessed with the title, she has become a grandmother.

I don't see that this young man can be accused of using 'emotional blackmail' in asking the OP not to tell his dps/family members about the pg at this stage, Voldy. Few 21 year olds' would be enthusiastic about embracing fatherhood after a relationship of a couple of months' standing, and more especially after the brief liaison had ended and they had been told the pg had been terminated, and he may need dutch courage some considerable time to broach the subject with his dps

However, I can see that the OP's manipulative behaviour trait gives indication of an emotionally needy personality which provides additional cause for her to wait until she grows in maturity before giving any consideration to making contact with any of his family members.

Furthermore, the OP's dc is unlikely to realise for many years that his/her biological father is absent from their life by which time the OP could have a significant other who may have become a father figure to her child.

It goes without saying that the OP should claim child maintenance via the CSA as failure to do so may result in a decrese in whatever benefits she may be entitled to.

I'm curious to know whether the OP works or is in further education and what the young man does for a living, but it appears that she's left the thread and it may be a case of asking questions knowing that 'answer came there none'.

On balance I'm of the view that these two young adults should deal with the consequences of their failure to seek advice after the alleged condom failure, together with the OP's subsuquent lies, as it may provide each of them with a valuable learning curve and that it should be left to their individual preferences as to whether they tell their respective family mambers.

I think now is the wrong time to tell his mother. Whether he likes it or not he will have to take responsibility for the baby when it is born financially, even if no other way.

Wait until the baby is born and get that sorted. I hate to say it, but I think given that you lied about the abortion he (and his family) will have some quite well justified concerns about your truthfulness and unfortunately I think that is going to extend to paternity.

Wait until the baby is born, get any relevant DNA tests done and financial arrangements in place. Then when it's set in stone this is her grandchild you can approach his mother.

I think if you do it now there will just be far too many doubts and question marks for it to have a positive outcome.

All the judging being done of you aside, if it were me I would tell the grandmother and let her decide what she wants to do. It may be that she wants to be involved now, or further down the line, or not at all, but for the child's sake I can only imagine in the future them asking you why you never told their grandmother about them - what would the child want, do you think? At least you will be able to say to your child that you a) messed up but dad knows about you, and b) grandmother knows about you too, and then whether they're in contact or not at least it's not something else you'd have to worry about explainging to the child in the future.

Best of luck op x

Wait until the baby is born, get any relevant DNA tests done and financial arrangements in place

That's IF the dad agrees to give DNA sample, no?

That's IF the dad agrees to give DNA sample, no?

if she claims CM, he will have to accept responsibility anyway.

I'm concerned that people don't know about the morning after pill.

You really didn't know about it op?

If the OP claims child maintenance through the CSA the father doesn't "have to accept" responsibility and, in the event of dispute, either he or the CSA can apply for a court ordered DNA test to be carried out to determine the child's paternity, Katenka.

Although in the grand scheme of things it is a very small percentage, numerous men have paid , and are paying, for the upkeep of dc who aren't biologically related to them, but that's another debate entirely.

I share your concern, Helmet, and it seems inconceivable (no pun intended) to me that neither the OP or her then sexual partner were aware of the MAP which can be bought over the counter in pharmacies nationwide, including those that are situated in supermarkets.

either he or the CSA can apply for a court ordered DNA test to be carried out to determine the child's paternity,

So he will have to agree to a test.

I was replying to a pp who said he may not agree to a DNA test.