Learning to diffuse(defuse?) partners anger, better communication

[pablothepenguin]

(Relationship counselling by myself, second week...)

I need to learn techniques to defuse my husband's anger. Withdrawing because you feel upset and intimidated is not how a 40 year old woman behaves. I could have had that conversation with my husband for free.

Obviously that's my take on the conversation but I think it was the main gist.

It set me off reading about better communication this morning and I can see how to improve things, how i could do things differently. But I thought counselling was about reaching my own conclusions. It was a disastrous session. We clashed horribly (she could see why husband got angry!)

Maybe I am horrendously bad at examining my own behaviour but learning how not to trigger someone with an anger issue really annoys me. From what I've read online today though, the counsellor's advice is pretty textbook (probably sound?)Eg, me saying "I won't talk to you while you're angry" is critical and winding him up, I should rephrase as "I feel...."

Does anyone have any books they could recommend on better communication. I'm intrigued by the idea that my life could have been very different if I learnt how to say what I want rather than just give in. The session seemed to simplfy our issues to anger/compliance. It's not that simple. Theres so much more we didn't even discuss. I think I need to work out my own approach.

I think that's OK, FATE, when both of you are in on it. I know I can be defensive myself and panic. It's helpful to me to help me control that when DH acts in certain ways. But I don't want him to not bring up concerns or worry about upsetting me or that I can't handle certain things if that makes sense.

It's a good thing to work on communication but it can't happen from one side only. That's why people are being negative or sceptical, it's not that people should never try.

It's good, OP, that he is open to changing but is he motivated and actually taking action to change? I'm worried that he is telling you what you want to hear, and it's really hard to not go all in for that because it's what you want.

The Dance Of Anger by Harriet Goldman Lerner is terrific.

Ok I haven't RTFT and I don't think you should stay with someone who is abusive but if you want advice about communication, this is a good place to start.

www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/4partprocess.htm

You may also find this useful.

relationshipresourcecenter.com/articles-concerning-relationships/relationship-articles/the-four-horsemen-of-the-apocalypse/

This is about anger management - for your DH

www.angermanage.co.uk

Thanks for the reading recommendations. And for the support from others.

I think for now I'm going to start with just being happier and work on the loneliness. Because it does magnify things. I don't think I want to try a new counsellor for a bit, but I will look into finding a better one. Thanks for the advice on that goddess. I will re-read comments and think about questions too. I appreciate all the input.

I don't think you have a problem with communication but that his behaviour had made it impossible for you to react in a normal way. My therapist tells me that we mostly all react to anger in one of three ways. We get angry in response and fight. We walk away from it or flight. Or we freeze. I also freeze. The adult response is of course to walk away.
Anger of any kind whether quiet anger or shouting can have the same effect. For me it is scary so I go very silent and small. That is seen as a lack of communication. Really it is about keeping yourself safe.

I have realised that no matter what I do I cannot control my husbands anger. Being silent does not work and getting angry back doesn't work. All I know is that I have control over myself and I dont have to put up with it. I can walk away.
That had become my latest boundary.
Good counselors do exist. I use a transactional analysis therapist which looks into how we communicate and adapt to the behaviour of others. The book I'm ok you're ok is good.

I cancelled the next counselling session in the end. Haven't been back. We seem to be plodding along ok. I'm still not happy but not really miserable anymore.
(ADs have presumably kicked in so that will be helping).

I can't figure the next step. Can we just coast our way back to a happy marriage. If we had tried couples counselling what would the process have been? Obviously the counsellor would be there to ensure we get to speak and help us hear each other - but after that, where would the counsellor start?