Frustrated Breadwinners Anonymous Part II (Long - sorry) Stay or Go?

[Kevintheminion]

I'm a longstanding mnetter albeit I've been doing more lurking than posting recently.

I'll try and keep this brief but please bear with me (in the interests of not drip feeding). I've been with DH since 2000, married in 2006 and we have 2 DCs - 7 and 2.5.

I've just re-read a thread I posted in 2008 on this subject which said I was tired of being the breadwinner (DH last worked for a six month period in 2006), sick of DH taking no financial accountability and steadily approaching the end of my tether.

Fast forward 8 years and fundamentally nothing has changed other than we now have 2 DCs and I have reached the end of my tether and I feel like such a mug.

I work hard, full time in a senior role with a 3 hour daily commute. DH is the main carer, doing school and nursery run daily. I don't know what he does all day other than do half-arsed diy projects. We are like ships that pass in the night, no intimacy and there is very little conversation and when we do speak it's mainly to pass on information about the children. I take over the childcare at weekends and, whilst I adore my children and hate not seeing them during the week, I resent not having any downtime whilst he does what he pleases.

He has steadily become grumpier as he's got older. He never sees the good in anybody or anything and is sapping the life out of me with his constant complaining. I am turning into a shrew like woman and I hate myself for it. It's also making me feel incredibly lonely - I prefer to be at work in the company of others and actively dread weekends.

When I married, I took my vows very seriously and have always said to myself that I would stick at it only, I've realised over the last few months that I can't spend another 30 years like this - at least as a single parent I might have the odd weekend off and wouldn't have to support his idleness. I've done a list of the pro's and con's of staying and going and the 'going' list is three times longer! I want out - only I don't know how.

I went to see a solicitor a couple of weeks ago to understand the separation process and the financial impact so I get that part. I just don't know how to have the conversation with DH though he knows I'm unhappy and it will be a shock I think.

Any help on how to have the conversation with DH, experience of similar situations and general handholding gratefully received.

I am also a SAHP, August. I get 6 childfree hours a week (2 small kids, one at school, one not, like the OP), I do everything domestically, and all childcare in the week as my husband doesn't get home till after the kids are in bed. We share all the work at the weekend. It's knackering, but i get all shopping, cooking, laundry and tidying done in the week. I know when a fellow sahp makes an easy ride for themselves and when they actually work hard for the whole family's benefit.

I have 3 DSs and a maid 3 days a week - she does most of the washing, my boys do a LOT of sport. I do all the household admin and paying bills, tidying, cooking, and coordinating sports etc. Plus the odd bit of freelance work but without a visa I'm limited. I do think if you stay at home to look after the kids, do school runs, and basically fulfill your obligations it still doesn't make you the working parent's employee. If you're not happy with how your dh chooses to spend his time when he's not picking your kids up or making your dinner then the problem is with the DH not the family dynamic imo.

DrHarleen, you basically said as much. Its easy for resentment to build in your situation, I can see that. I get that its annoying (understatement) that he's spending time on the xbox when you're working. And if he doesn't have any drive to get a job... Was he always like that? Could he be depressed? Or just lazy?