How did you come to terms with a parent hating you?

[Blatherskite]

Just that really.

I don't ever remember not feeling scared of my father. Yes, he beat me but by far the biggest damage has been caused by the things he said to me - that he hated me, that everyone hated me and that anyone who liked me just didn't know me well enough to hate me yet. That I was worthless.

My Mum knew what he was doing but never felt strong enough to do anything about it. It's not that she was mean to me herself but the lack of protection I think compounded what he did as he seemed more 'in the right' for not being challenged. I have 3 younger siblings who he seemed to adore too, it was just me that was 'wrong'.

I haven't spoken to him since I was 14 (he set me up with a separate flat in the house so I didn't have to mix with the family so that was easy. I was even sent on separate holidays) and haven't seen him since the first nightmare of a term break from university when he made it clear that I wasn't welcome back - 19 years ago now. I didn't go back to my home town until he and my mum divorced when I was 21 and would never live there again, I have a new family and friends where I now live (although I struggle to make and maintain relationships still) and have two children who I adore.

DH is away tonight and we were all sat in a little pile, DS (8) cuddled up to my side and DD(6) laid out along my legs as we watched a movie and I was thinking "this is lovely, this is where I'm supposed to be" and it occurred to me how good it felt to be at the centre of the pile instead of pushed to the outer edge.

And yet earlier today I've been back to the doctors for more antidepressants. I'm up to the maximum dose of 60mg of Prozac a day. I'm still borderline suicidal a lot of the time and I still feel lost and unsteady. I start CBT on Thursday but I don't know how it's going to help. I've been being treated for depression for 18 years now (although I did have a good 9 year stretch up until about 18 months ago) and I just don't see how I'm ever going to be 'better'. The thought of living like this with the endless, nagging doubts over my worth for potentially the next 40 years seems impossible.

Will it ever go away?

Where would I start looking for a psychotherapist?

I think one of the doctors I saw at the hospital might have been a psychotherapist but I only saw her at check up visits. Most of my work at that point was done with a CPN

The BACP has a list if you google them. It's essential to check if they have worked in a clinical setting and their training and experience though. You're investing not only money but your vulnerability to them.

if you click then that's just great. If you don't, do not be afraid to try someone else. The click is essential.

If you've only gone up to 60mg Prozac today, it will take a couple of weeks before you feel the effects. If it still doesn't work after giving it several weeks then you could ask your GP about trying a different medication.

I agree that in-depth therapy could be helpful.

The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy has a register of therapists. It's an "accredited register" so promoted by the Department of Health.

Or ring the local MH Trust to ask how to find an experienced one. They almost certainly won't be able to help you themselves but they will know where to point you, hopefully. I don't think you need a quick fix of 6 sessions, useful as CBT is. This sort of damage takes a lot longer to begin to cope with, without it drowning you.

I'm so sorry. My sister was treated a bit like you were a bit less extreme though.
I always feel emotional abuse and criticism is most damaging. You may as well just kill a kid.
There is a way out and I hope you find peace in your heart. You are good enough! You are enough.

Thanks, I will look into it and see if I can afford it. Feeling a little better this week. I've been on 60mg for over a week now but have swapped from taking my tablets first thing in the morning to last thing at night. That slightly zombiefied state I was spending most of my days in now happens while I'm sleeping and the wide awake phase that was keeping me awake all night happens during the day. Between sleeping better and feeling more alert during the day, I'm able to do more things like keep the house clean and get out exercising, both of which are making me feel better too. Going to try to use this good period to sort some more help out.

I would definitely say that finding someone you click with is really the most helpful thing. I have seen 4 people over the years, plus 1 for 2 utterly pointless sessions of marriage guidance. 2 were good, and happened to be men, 2 were not helpful and happened to be women. It should make all the difference. Personally I'm not a fan of therapy that involves hours of navel gazing, I found being with someone who focused on getting better, changing my reactions, making me do homework etc was the solution.

As expected CBT hasn't really helped. Having dealt with this for my whole life, most of the "think positive and you'll feel more positive" things were stuff I do anyway.

That's a shame. When I did CBT it seemed to be all about chipping away at the negative feelings/thoughts and lessening their effect on you. Which is the main way I have found of dealing with my past + reading a lot of psychology stuff, meditation and positive thinking.

Another thing that really struck a chord with me is the concept of childhood emotional neglect. Jonice Webb has written a book about it. Basically it's about having a hole in yourself when positive parenting was absent when you were a child. (Very badly explained, probably better to look it up )

Wish I could be of more help