Life with my H is miserable and I don't know how to fix it

[confusedandemployed]

DH has mental health problems. Undiagnosed, because he won't engage with the GP on this matter, but undeniable. Previously he got depressed, but lately it's a general hatred of the world and everyone in it: if someone forgets to indicate at a turning we'll get a 10 minute rant about inconsiderate drivers. Someone looking a bit over-suntanned, we get half an hour on the fatuousness of today's obsession with looks. He can go off on one without the slightest provocation.

This evening he said I'm awful to live with. Partly because I'm attached to my phone. I'll admit that I do look at it a lot - usually whilst trying not to engage with another rant. I find them deeply uncomfortable, because he's not looking for a debate: unless I verify his totally unreasonable opinions he just gets even angrier. So I deflect by studying my phone. My fault there, admittedly.

I try to help him but time and again he refuses to seek professional help. He always knows better than doctors or counsellors. He may be right in that the mental health services are shit - but he hasn't even tried! Refuses point blank to try ADs because he tried one sort, 20 years ago, which didn't agree with him.

I will admit that my sympathy is in short supply these days, because he won't help himself.

I went part time just over a year ago because he'd gone back to work following 2 years of being a SAHD. He promptly lost his job. I've supported him one way or another for nearly 6 years. He doesn't work now, I support him to go to college to do a course he really wanted to do. He won't do anything he used to do for fun, either alo e or as a couple. He has completely withdrawn from the world.

And now for the cliche...he really is a very good dad. He hides his problems from DD (although I realise that as she gets older this will be harder to do).

I'm just so tired of living in a miserable, joyless household. I honestly do have sympathy for his problems, but I freely admit I have no concept of them because I've never suffered from such things (thank God). I'm not equipped to help him but he won't seek out someone who is.

WTF do I do?

Nope, not a bit of it. But I need to acknowledge my part. And anyway, how do you know I'm not to blame? You've only heard my side.

grumpy that bit about your DH being nasty to everyone: that resonates. When he's bad he makes people feel very uncomfortable without realising.

He has made a significant promise today which I never thought he would make. He's not someone who makes the breaks promises so I'm confident he will really try to keep it, and if he does it'll be a massive step forward for us and for him.

So I think I have got through to him and, I think we will be OK.

Thank you for all your comments

Good luck OP. Hope he seeks help and engages with it

Surely DD is aware that her DF is 'fun' with her but a miserable git with her DM. is this really not affecting her? Not making her wary of him?

I think you are being naïve.

I'm glad your H is finally listening, but you do need to have an end point in your head. I've been living with this - though not nearly so severely - for 5 years now. I have an end point, my DH knows it and maybe, just maybe, real change is now happening - but it will be a long time before I really believe it and this really is it - one more lapse and I walk.