snide comments from partners sister

[metoo72]

Sorry this might be a long rant!...I've been together with my partner for almost three years and we share a home together. He is late thirties and divorced (he was unfaithful to his wife, no kids). My partner has a sister who is just a couple of years older, she lives alone with her two little boys who are very cute and lovely and is also divorced and separated from two previous partners.

I've always been polite and also friendly to my partners sister, particularly when I saw that she wasn't very happy and seemed quite down and lonely (by her own admission). From very early on however, she started making snide and quite bitchy comments to me always based around my appearance ...hair style which by my own admission is crap, the fact I don't wear much makeup etc...they seem geared to make me feel low when I was happy...eg when chatting about modelling I'd done donkeys years ago to get by at uni she'd snark 'well I suppose you don't have to be conventionally attractive to be a model' with a nasty look on her face. She has bought the subject up...not me...and when she did I admitted that I'd been rubbish at it. If I try and start a pleasant conversation with her she doesn't engage though she is as nice as pie to me if her parents are present.

At first I was quite shocked and kind of convinced myself I must have misheard what seemed like school girl bitchiness..when the remarks became glaringly obvious I still didn't take offence and thought it might be because she was depressed ...I didn't mention the comments to my partner for fear of causing bad feeling and instead nagged him to phone / text his sister more often, buy her little gifts etc. to cheer her up...she didn't know I'd suggested these things and he didn't get round to doing them..but the point is..I went out of my way to try and be kind despite her snide remarks.

I had a very bad episode of feeling down recently after arguing with my partner (due to him getting drunk and verbally attacking one of his good friends) and being worried about some scary surgery I have due. My partner overshared this with his sister and she sent me a very austere patronising text 'urging' me to seek help because I was in an emotionally bad place' ....it was invasive and cold. I couldn't take it anymore and told my partner about the years of snide comments saying I was sick of receiving bitchy remarks in my own home and wasn't happy that someone who had bitched at me for years should feel entitled to invade my privacy with cold, condescending messages at a time when I needed comfort..I'm also not happy about her sticking her nose in our business so often. It turns out that my partner had noticed some of his sisters snide remarks himself...lol for a man to pick up on snarky backhanded compliments shows how glaringly obvious they were.

Predictably when he told her he'd noticed the remarks she became upset and denied them despite the fact he said he'd heard them himself....I googled 'problems with sil' and found out that it's not uncommon for sister in laws to be jealous...is this really a thing? From posts written by people in the same situation, it seems likely she will now try and cause trouble, accuse me of trying to damage their relationship etc..surely for a woman to behave like that in her's is 40's is just odd I think. The fact her remarks are all based on my appearance seems weird. Apparently this sister has gained weight and is unhappy her partner went off with someone much younger...but I don't think this entitles her to take it out on me I'm sure she's not the only woman in the world with these issues and my life isn't easy street. The remarks seem to be of the type a jealous girlfriend would make. Partner also told me this sister didn't exactly warm to his ex either. Im close to my own brother which is why I find all this so hard to understand - I do all I can to make his partners feel comfortable. Has anyone else had issues like this, or know where they tend to stem from. I now feel she is out to cause trouble.

This isn't a sil problem, it's a people problem. Some people have poor social skills. I'd put money on there being other people she has upset. Your best way of dealing with it is to see that it's her, it's not personal, and actually feel sorry for her. I'd hate to be the sort of person that is viewed as bitchy/snide. I've got one person in my life like this, I am getting much better at not absorbing it and just feeling sorry for them.

Thanks so much everyone - it's really helped as I have no one to talk to about this. If I try and talk to my partner about it he says it stresses him out.
I've faced much bigger and badder things in my life than this woman - although never in human form and I do realise it seems petty to moan, but i suppose the issue runs a bit deeper and I'm worried my partners failure to have my back doesn't bode well for our future.

I don't expect him to fall out with his sister - I'd be horrified, but I feel that in accepting her pitiful denial he is throwing me under a bus and being disloyal - particularly as he heard some of the comments himself - he remembers snipes from two years ago and I never said I thing until a few weeks ago. My partner gets stressed and wants to avoid conflict (which I get) but surely he could tell her off in a lighthearted way and say that he knows her comments were spiteful, he loves me and she shouldn't speak to me like that. He has a little bit of history of not standing up for me or his ex. I fear he will just stand there and nod when she tells him I must have taken the comments the wrong way - she has quite an overbearing, teacher-like personality.

Laughable really because she is less academic than either of us, less accomplished career-wise etc...she is an office manager though and seems to adopt an authoritative almost condescending stance.

Of course now I'm kicking myself for the lack of come-backs....also for nagging partner to call her more and running myself down in front of her - i think I was so embarrassed on her behalf for the comments I agreed with them in order to diffuse this....I'm a fucking idiot .

You don't need comebacks. You need pity. How awful to be her. You don't need your DH to defend you. Just rise above it and be the fabulous person you are.

I mean you need to pity her. It's a horrible mind, one that needs to feel better by pulling others down. You don't need to. Your mind is better and happier and more self aware. There is no battle because she's the only one in the arena. You're not even in it because you don't play those games. Don't own someone else's poor social skills. Gawd, I sound like a self help book lol.

I'm going to sound like a self help book too . When I was younger I really used to take negative comments to heart until I read a book which taught me that no-one had permission to put negative thoughts in my mind. I used to visualise the thought written on a piece off paper - mentally screw the paper into a small ball and throw it with all my might out of my mind. It did take some practice to be 100% effective but have used it since that time and it works!

Ooh I like that Rorty!

Thanks Rorty!

I think this technique would be even more effective if I visualise also slipping a lead weight into said ball of paper along with the negative thought and chucking into the nasty womans' face!

But you're better than that remember op! You're too busy being great.

I agree we don't need to take comments like this to heart - to use therapy parlance, it's their stuff. Absolutely. But this is not that different to someone may have an issue with punching people, it isn't acceptable. Imo this is a boundary issue and sometimes we have to be brutal with boundaries bcs the behaviour we are being subjected to is outlandish, unacceptable.

Imo boundaries are the kindest, most respectful, thing we can do all round. I personally find it rather patronising to pity people - though compassion is another thing. In a generalised sense - though it's not my job to save anybody. I don't pity people who treat me badly bcs they are adults, regardless what they may have been through, and well able to make choices.

As for dp not having your back: yes this could be an issue. But he's lived with her for aeons in his life ; her behaviour may well be part of an entrenched family script. Addressing that script can be immensely challenging, particularly as those embroiled in dysfunctional family scripts can find it nigh impossible to see it for what it is. Interestingly it's only those who are on the end of poor behaviour like this who are forced to address it bcs the pain of ignoring it is greater than the pain of facing it. So those not on the end of it can often ignore it (on a sub -basement level!), relieved they're not getting it, not in the firing line. You've come in fresh, unfettered by the family script - and you're getting it.

But that isn't an excuse - a reason but not an excuse. What's going on that he's prepared to bury his head in the sand while she takes chunks out of you on a regular basis. She adores him, that's what. Hmm.

I had to laugh with recognition at you being so embarrassed by her behaviour you kind of cowered. Pack mentality? Girl, take your place: she is not top dog here. In fact she is not even in your + dp's pack. One step removed, certainly, but not at the core; certainly not in a place to vye [spelling fail] for position. The cheek of her!

I know you'll pay me no attention but pay her no heed. It's small stuff.
You've battled your way through illness etc. etc. After I got BC nothing could hurt me ever again.

Well I've just finished treatment for BC and I find things still hurt me even more than usual at the moment.

Unfortunately, sometimes flagrant bullies need to be faced down. As much as we are loathe to do it.

The fact she keeps going for your looks, brings to my mind that she is projecting.

She hates how she looks, so she is putting that on you. She hates her hair, so she puts that on you.

Look up projection.

I would just go with a kind, understanding and sympathetic look every time she says something nasty to you. Maybe even cock your head to one side with a sympathetic touch on the arm. A little 'oh bless you and I'm sorry for you' look.

Then walk away.

I am so grateful for people taking the time to reply and for how insightful and genuinely helpful all this advice is...it really has made a difference.
Derxa and Springydaffs - thinking of you

After I was unwell (i was abroad when things started and had no health insurance) I thought I could take on the world because I'd had to be strong and had got through...it made me such a strong person. I wasn't afraid of anything or anyone. Its alarming that I seem to have backtracked and all that strength has been toppled by some idiots personal issues and agendas. All these posts have made me remember what's important and that most woman are kind, empathetic and generous.....I'd a millions times rather be partially sighted with less than luxurious hair and slightly poor health than a person that's prepared to issue snide blows to make themselves feel better - particularly aimed at the symptoms of someone who has been ill. I feel 'healthy' in comparison. Thank you so much x

Sorry for copious posting but Toxic people, or their behaviour, sneak under the radar in quite an astonishing way. Perhaps bcs they are not coming from a place of truth but deception? I know that sounds poncey but eg your health struggles are not based on a sneaky premise - they're right there, clear as day. It's takes a different kind of strength to ward off toxic behaviour - which, by its nature, aims to strike at our humanity,or sense of self. For whatever reason.

An opportunity to add to your strength base?

Or just wack her one

Noooo to the lead weight and throwing it at her. The only thing you are aiming to achieve is removing her negative thoughts from your mind.

If I had a particularly bad time getting rid of a thought, I would visualize standing on a boat over a particularly deep ocean and watch it sinking way down to the bottom.

Also, next time she says something horrible, I would not say a word, slowly and cooly look her up and down, raise your eyebrows and walk away. She then doesn't have the satisfaction of knowing she has upset you. Even if you have to fake it until you make it. Good luck

I agree that comebacks just stoop to her level. And she will be able to say you were rude to her, so don't put yourself in the wrong.

One thing that worked on my friend once after a particularly bitchy comment - I just looked at her and said 'Really? and that's the kind of person you want to be?

She looked quite shocked. (Didn't stop her for long tho).

I think the problem is your partner.

He confides in his sister about your relationship problems. He has a history of lying and cheating in his relationships. It's naive of you to think it will somehow be different with you.

You have no idea of the melodramatic crap he may be telling his sister. Perhaps she's making snide remarks about your appearance to bring you down a few pegs because he's complaining to her that you're full of yourself, think you're some sort of a model, etc.

Who knows.

I had a friend whose SIL was a horror to her, criticising her spending habits if she bought a new coat (even if she did have an ok one already), acting like a jealous loon when they drove to her house in their new 30k car, etc. She thought her SIL was an interfering, jealous cow.

Turned out her husband was in massive debt with failing businesses, was always begging the SIL for money, and she lost the plot when he had come crying to her that their house was going to be repossessed, she loaned him 50k and a month later - you guessed it - they rocked up in a 30k new car.

You're focusing on the wrong person here.

Hortonwho - to some extent you are right, and this is why I'm concerned - its not simply the evil sil.
I know he definitely hasn't told her I'm full of myself quite the reverse he has told her I am conscious of my scars etc. and have low self esteem due to them. This is why I think it's particularly horrible that her snarks are aimed at my appearance.

Yes re the melodramatic crap - for sure. He has a history of sending running to his sister with his personal woes and stresses, sending lengthy emails about them etc. Including details of his relationships. He said when he had his affair when he was married his sister didn't reprimand him (wrong choice of word, but you know what I mean) and supported him in seeing the OW after his split despite the OW still being married. Ive got a brother similar age and while its not my place to reprimand him I woudln't support this type of behavior. The sil didn't like the ex wife and I'm wondering if she was even a little pleased to see her cheated on.
When my partner moans to his sister she is always 'you poor darling' type response no matter what he has done - considering he is late 30's I find this, as someone else pointed out, not helpful and loving but damaging. She's stopping him from growing up and taking responsibility,

The odd thing is that although they are close compared to many they are not amazingly close - not much contact unless he has something to moan about.

He has said he would never have an affair again, however I feel that when he did it was strongly linked to his insecurity and just latching on to anyone who would listen and none of that has changed. Rant over.

Gah, who knows... We're just guessing and playing armchair psychologists based on a couple of comments and the rest is all our own projection. Based on your last post, I'd say he was always the favourite child of his parents and she's been second best. She tries very hard to be needed by him. He ignores her when things are good and runs to her and needs her when things are shit in his life. And as you saw, he has no interest in her when his life is going well.

Think about what kind of person treats a sibling who is there in hard times like that.

Again, all armchair diagnosis and probably all off.

I think he is oversharing with his sister but that's a separate issue to the sniping - if she were a nice person she wouldn't be sniping.

Thanks so much everyone for your help - the advice definitely helps me put things into perspective...both re not spending time puzzling over someone elses need to be toxic and more importantly the need to address my partners issues.

I think what's happened is, every time my partner has a drama and has gone running to his sister she has knowingly or not, been very destructive in offering too much support and seeing him as the victim (as do his parents) - this has prevented him from taking responsibility for his actions and growing as a person (he is almost 40). My partner admits to be a little too self absorbed and also a blabber mouth. On occasion I have had to tell him off for talking about his ex-wife's very personal matters, I feel this is disrespectful...he told many of their mutual friends about his affair while it was ongoing and before the ex new...she must have felt violated.

Unless he grows up (being a man child might be vaguely sexy for artistic misunderstood 21 yo but doesnt have the same appeal at 40!) I feel history is just going to repeat itself. Maybe not in his having an affair but by being unfaithful or disloyal in other ways. Being a baby at 40 is just so damaging to him in other ways, not just relationships - but career etc. I've always been independent so dependency issues in middle age arent something i can admire.

He has said he will 'man up' but unless he does something to show me he can, then its just all hot air and I think a simple test would be for him to tell his sister he is an adult now and that her involvement in his relationships is detrimental to him...doesnt sound like much but with the dynamic that they have he'd find it very hard. If he cant even do that I think i will have to face cutting my losses. I'm not obsessed with having a 'real man' / alpha male but there are limits.

Thanks so much again for your help - especially as its not exactly a life or death issue.

That's good, i think you've got the gist of it. It really does seem like a pattern of behaviour for your partner and I hope he can change. It doesn't help when family enable or encourage this type of thing in adulthood. I think his sisters sniping was transparent enough to make her look very foolish and obvious though so if he keeps sweeping it under the carpet be aware that change is unlikely.