I hate my life

[Love2014]

I feel like I don't want to carry on. I'm very down, I hate my pressured job working with sexist bully's, i hate my boyfriend, I hate my house, I hate my family, I hate my life...
My boyfriend and I had another miscarriage before Xmas I found out at my first scan.. I can't seem to get over it, it really upset me. I was so happy having the baby after previous pregnancies had ended earlier so I thought this time all was okay, my dad died at Xmas 2 years ago so worst time for it to happen, we also had a break in at our house 6 months ago and lost everything including heirlooms which were irreplaceable. I'm just at an all time low, I feel insecure and dejected. I don't have any family to speak of really. My boyfriend and I are not getting on and I just want to sell my house and move away and start again. I feel like I'm cursed and I'm a walking disaster area people should stay well away from. I hate my life

Hi OP
Sorry you're having such a difficult & upsetting time

'I just want to sell my house and move away and start again'

So what's stopping you?

Not to be flippant but have a holiday.... plan something .... a break from the norm.

Op-you've been through such a lot. Miscarriage is horrible and it affects the way you feel about everything else, sometimes without you knowing it in my experience. I was in an awful state after my two miscarriages-felt very alone and depressed-particularly as no one around me really aknowledged that what had happened was a big deal after the first few days. ( the usual horribly insensitive 'well it obviously wasn't meant to be/you can try again comments that are well meaning but cut like knives ). I really wish I had sought help-(counselling etc) back then.That would be my advice-get help to process your feelings around both miscarriage and the burglary. And be kind to yourself-could you take a holiday or at least get a change of scene for a few days just to give yourself a break?
Sorry you are going through this

Have you seen your GP? I think you need help as you are possibly depressed

Some of the things you mention can be changed but others can't. Maybe you could ask the doctor how to access counselling for your sad losses

I hope you managed to sleep x

Thanks all! I'm still down and can't get on with my boyfriend he just thinks I'm miserable which Iam. Nothing positive comes out of my mouth, I'm just depressing him and me. It's a miserable life for us both at the minute. I don't knew why he doesn't leave me. I think I would move house and be near my mum if he did, he is the only one stopping me from doing it. I handed in my notice today at work, sick of the place. Guys I'm working alongside are earning more then me, I'm questioned it and they say I can't have a pay rise so sick of that place as well. Just feeding my feelings of being crap at everything as well. I can't seem to get a grip of my life which makes me sad the big things are happening around me like having a boyfriend, being in a relationship, ownig a house where I live... They all seem so out of control in terms of what I'm doing. I hate my life. I don't feel happy. I feel very alone and like my life isn't my own.

I think you should see a doctor. Try to choose one you trust to listen

You will feel better. Sometimes life can be really hard

Yeah I have an appointment tomorrow at 9am guys thank you for your advice and support. Also have another job interview tomorrow so maybe the change will do me good

It seems you need a break. A break from everything that stressing you out. Can you go somewhere just a day or two in a place where there is no reminder of what you are going through?

Yeah possibly, that might be good. I guess everyone has a story.. Mine is my dad suffered from psychophrenia all my childhood. Although he could be a wonderful dad at times he could also be very cruel to my mum, my brother and I due to his illness. My dad was at home managaging his illness with meds. I moved out as a teenager and never went home and tried to move on with my life and forget about things that had happened. However it was always there and when my dad stopped taking meds and got very ill. I spent 10 years of my life supporting him and my mum as he went in and out of hospital until he died of a heart attack 2 years ago. I have struggled with the loss of my dad, regret things couldn't have been better growing up, hating my dads illness, bad memories of childhood and adult life visiting him in hospital. It's been a struggle. I have also in that time managed to progress my career and in now a high pressure job that I've always wanted but now I'm here I hate as well.. I have no life other then work. That's why I handed in my notice... at the sacrifice of my other relationships I have progressed but my life has just been stress over the last 10 years. I want to find myself again... Find some happiness and leave behind all this responsibility of my dads care etc that's dominated my life. It was hard for my friends to understand what I was going through in my 20s and friends fell away.. I want to find myself again.. I want to be a mum and have a simple happy life.. I feel like I just want to slow the pace down and enjoy life rather then hectic, chaos and rush.. If all that makes any sense xxx

I am not surprised you are miserable if you have just had a miscarriage. YouR boyfriend not being supportive will make you more miserable.

Could you look for a new job (anywhere ) take a holiday and start looking forward to a life without your boyfriend.

It makes sense. Childhood and early adult life has a profound effect on us

There is a phrase that I keep near to my heart:
"What happened to us, doesn't define who we are."
And next to it is "don't be a victim, it disempowers you". IME you never feel more miserable than when you feel pity for yourself.

It is natural you want to run and leave everything behind (I certainly feel like that when things get too difficult) but that doesn't sort the issues and can potentially make things much worse.

Break the problem in several smaller ones and work on each of them one at a time. You have removed yourself from the difficult job. Great. Use the free time to get a break, try to relax and think how do you go about sorting the next one.

Oh dear soul - you're having a time of it! I wouldn't call being a mum a simple happy life tbh, especially if your partner isn't really a keeper. Your current lifestyle isn't really a keeper either by the sound of it. How did the interview go??

I kind of think your soul is telling you to just get out of all this and start over. Find yourself. Is that a possibility?

He is supportive guys, I just think it's been very hard for him and he's stood by me after my dad died and I was in a mess. My dads finances were all over the place and my mum didn't know what to do. So I had to take over help her pay off the overdraft and sort things out. It meant though that I couldn't grieve for a while about my dad. That affected me. My boyfriend has coped with a lot. I'm an artist, my dad taught me to draw, but I couldn't be at home anymore due to life in the family at the time, so had to get a job and somewhere to live. I didn't really have the opportunity to try to carve out a career somehow in art. It's a big regret. I made a new dream working for a corporate and getting a high pressure job.. Which I achieved, but now I'm here it's not as good as it looked, it gives me money but doesn't fulfill my soul.. Although my previous I was with for a long time and got engaged to, I never had kids. I always thought I would be a crap mum and didn't want them to have the life I had. I've grown so much now though and desperately trying to face my past and find peace and like myself. I would love to be a mum, for me honestly it would be a simple life.. Maybe not easy but you wouldn't believe the complications and heart ache that would disappear overnight! I have rang a local counselling service I'm on the waiting list now for counselling.. I'm going to think about the things you have suggested, I really needed some advice and an objective perspective on things. I would love to make some friends as well, this life can be quite lonely. I can achieve a pass in an exam or get a well paid job.. But things that appear so simple for others are so hard for me to find.. Friends, having child, making a happy relationship,family... Maybe one day just got to keep hoping! Xxxx

Mother yourself before you create a new soul.
Yes, hope is a good colour to paint your palette with.