sister in law issues

[KatTom]

Hi,
Just wanting to get some advice on a few things relating to my sister in law (DH's brothers wife!)

Will fill you in on the history of our relationship. Known each other for 12 years and up until about 3 years ago we always got on. Her and DH's brother are a bit older than us at 42 (me and Dh are 30) both of us with 2 children each. Over the years we have socialised fairly regularly and made sure that our children have a good relationship with each other. About 8 years ago, they both eloped to get married and the only people they invited were her 2 best friends as witnesses. 3 years ago (after having both our children) me and DH decided it was finally time to get our act together and we married but invited all of DHs family and my own and had a lovely, medium sized wedding in a country hotel. The reason I mention the wedding, is that this was the turning point in the relationship and when things started to turn sour.
2 weeks after our wedding, sis in law, commented that she was glad that her and DHs brother got married the way they did after seeing all the fuss and planning that we had to go to for our wedding!! It felt like a completely inappropriate and quite rude thing to say after all of our guests had commented what a fun time they had.
4 months after we got married, DH completed his PhD and got his dream job which meant we had to move to the other side of the country and it was quite a stressful year for us all. The little digs and comments from sister in law have continued since then and culminated in me confronting her last summer and she was completely shocked that I had taken anything she said the wrong way. I asked her if she could see and understand why I was so upset, but she told me I was paranoid and that I have taken her comments in completely the wrong way.

She said she would not apologise and that I have wrecked the friendship we had. The bit that is really bugging me is that every time me, DH, DS and DD visit my mother in laws house, she insists on turning up with DHs brother and their 2 children so that the cousins can play. This happened over the weekend, and she literally sat in the corner of the living room whilst we all had a chat and cuppa, with her face like thunder and she gave everyone the silent treatment. This created an awkward atmosphere for everybody else and I just don't know what to do!? She is clearly trying to prove a point but not sure what that is!? How would other people handle this? I tried to act normally for the sake of the children and also want DH and his brother to still have a relationship despite me and sil's differences but she is behaving in quite a bizarre way and feel a bit freaked out that she seems to be now going out of her way to ensure that when we visit MIL, she is also there! Help!

What do you think about trying to clear the air? What about just focusing on it being nice for your children to play with their cousins, and plan something for yourself later, to think about when your there.

I know its hard, you have my sympathy.

Wow, she's so jealous of you, isn't she.
She's the one with the problem, not you.
You're not responsible for her childish behaviour & jealousy. If she wants to sulk & glower in a corner, then I can't see how that behaviour is your problem or your responsibility.
You enjoy the aftermath of your wedding, share the photos & glow with love and pride.
Be thrilled for your DH & his PhD; what an achievement.
Enjoy your new home & your success.
If she can't share that with you, then that's her problem, not yours.

CONGRATULATIONS

Perhaps it is jealousy, but I find that quite upsetting as we aren't the type of couple to show off about our achievements and we're pretty down to earth people really. It does all seem to stem from the wedding and the important life changes that have occurred to us as a family since then. I think DHs brother finds it all a bit uncomfortable and embarrassing as he is very close to DH and I've always got on with him..families eh?

What did your H and his family make of her behaviour? I'm guessing their silence suggests that they are so used to her sulks that they've chosen to ignore it.

Her poor behaviour isn't your responsibility and this little act is to manipulate you into making an apology that is unwarranted. Ignore the sulky child.

I agree. She's childish, pathetic, attention seeking and a bitch. Oh, and not your problem. Ignore, ignore , ignore! Seriously, she's behaving like a total prat and showing herself up by doin so. Don't give her the satisfaction of noticing. She's doin herself no favours cos people just aren't gonna form very high opinions of her so let her carry on, give her enough rope in which to hang herself.
People must be like "What's with Miss Vinegar Tits in the corner?" let her get on with it. You've done nothin wrong, she's the one that's bang out of order. Don't waste your energy and time attempting to figure out why.

I'm obviously reading a different thread to everyone else.

It felt like a completely inappropriate and quite rude thing to say

Really? She said she was glad she'd gotten married away because of the planning you had to do for your wedding and this was rude and inappropriate?

I wouldn't apologise for saying something like that and would think you were a bit odd paranoid too!

Insisting on coming to visit MIL when you are there and then sitting in the corner staring daggers at you is just damn rude.

She should make a call to either be civil or stay away.

In your place OP I'd just act totally oblivious to her behaviour. She wants attention, so don't give it to her.

The more polite and charming you are, the more childish she looks.

Tbh I was thinking same as Wlatermitty, I don't think she was being mean about the wedding, just making an observation to you as a friend (which you were at the time unless I've got that wrong).

Also the confrontation you had probably upset her too so I can understand why she thinks you're wrong.

Recent behaviour sounds odd tho.

With Waltermitty too.

Would be interesting to hear sils side.

My sil is just the type to take a throw away comment and twist it into a personal slur.
I have gone NC with her.

The comment about the wedding was the beginning of the 'little digs.' I can understand why people are disagreeing and think that I sound perhaps a bit paranoid, but I suppose I'm more surprised at her deteriorating behaviour, more importantly the fact she is deliberately choosing to come around to MIL and be in the same room as me. That's the part that is really playing on my mind. What is she expecting from me?

Sounds like she wants the cousins to see each other!

I'm about that being a dig. I really am.