Not sure how to process this information (long)

[molyholy]

I stayed at my mums at the weekend. Had a lovely day. She is fairly newly married to an absolute diamond of a man. My dad died 18 years ago so me and my siblings are all so happy our mum found love again. She is nearly 70, but don't get me wrong, she is a very young 70, looks fabulous for her age. Lives the life of riley - always going on holiday, very active social life etc., you get the picture. Anyway the other night when it was just me and mum left up having a few bevvies she told me some stuff about my dad that I didn't know. I knew he was quite abusive towards her. There was domestic violence involved on a few occassions, which we (the children), were aware of. We didn't hate him. But now after these revelations I feel like I do hate him. The worst thing is - my mum was pissed and I don't even know whether she remembered she has told me. The next day when she was driving us home, she said something along the lines of getting our dad a bench in his memory at the golf club he spent alot of time at. I was thinking oh my god, does she not remember what she told me.

Anyway - I don't really know what to do with this. We found out after my dad died that he was married when he was extremely young - my mum knew he had been married before (he was 16) but she did not know that we had a long lost brother, who he had nothing to do with - god I am making him sound like a twat aren't I. He wasn't really. A very good 'provider' but he was never emotionally there. He worked really hard so we could have a holiday every year etc. I am one of 5 siblings.

Anyway - no problem with the brother - he is part of the family now and he is the spit of me dad which I find difficult to deal with but not to his face.

Anyway I am just blethering on now. The crux of this is what my mum told me. She was bleeding when she was pregnant and the doctor told her to go to bed, complete rest, don't move about etc. Anyway - my dad told her to get up and hoover and she must have been that scared of him that she did and she lost the baby. This was 30 years ago and after that moment she fought back and believe it or not, they did have a happy latter part of their marriage and went on to have my little brother.

I can't explain how fucking angry I am at my dad. I don't know if my other sisters know this happened. I don't know what it would achieve to bring it up with my mum again, but it obviously still hurts her deeply.

I really needed to get it out somewhere. I discussed it with my husband last night, but I feel some strange obligation to protect this memory of my dad and don't want people to know. God its horrible. I did have some happy memories of my dad, but this has totally fucking wiped them out and I wish he was alive just so I could berate him. I feel like I have a knot in my stomach and I don't know how to disperse it.

It is a long one - sorry but I just can't get it out my head.

I think you need to chat to your mum about it when youre both sober X

If you don't want to discuss it with your Mum yet, what about a therapist/counsellor?

People aren't always 100% good 100% bad - most of us are a mix. The fact is your parents marriage did improve and perhaps your Mum does have as many good and fond memories of him as well as bad ones - perhaps she has learnt to forgive his failures?

I think it's very much new news to you and it'll take time to process those contradicting thoughts. He probably had a shitty upbringing and he copied his role models, he may have done better than them even?

Thank you for both replying. I was really hoping someone would. My husband said the same as you random just because someone does bad stuff it doesn't make them a bad person. I have been thinking about it a lot today. I will bring it up again with my mum iyam sans alcohol. I think she has been keeping a lot in for a very long time. He did have a shitty upbringing. His nan brought him up and he didn't have any contact with his maternal family until he was in his 40s so that was a massive thing finding out he had brothers and sisters etc. This has really forced me to think about all that. I don't think I really understood what it meant at the time. Anyway I feel like I have verbal diarrhoea about it all. But thank you for replying.

He's your father, you loved him, and there were clearly times when he acted very badly indeed, so of course you will feel conflicted. I'm sure your mother does toi, and has come to her own peace about it. There doesn't need to only be one point of view.

You can examine your own with a therapist : they are neutral, non-judgemental, and that way you need not fear you Ard tarnishing his name with someone who knew him

When/if you talk to your mum about your dad do so from a place of compassion for both of them as it sounds as if his awful negative childhood experiences left him deeply insecure and it may have been this that kept your dm by his side when she should have walked away from him.

I hope that being able to put together some of the pieces of his personal jigsaw gave him some comfort before he died, and that he took with him the knowledge that you and your siblings didn't judge him harshly for his failings.

As for your dm, what a gal! She thoroughly deserves to live the life of riley with her 'diamond geezer' and long may she continue to do so.