What should I do about this situation because he has a partner?

[VanillaSue]

I know I will probably get flamed a bit, and I know I am in the wrong before I start but I want to be honest and get some advice.

I started online dating talking to a man around 14 months ago. At the time he had been on 2 dates with someone else of OLD and I was in the same situation so we just sort of had a friendly chat and got on really well.

We were both not the multi-dating types so we decided we would "see how things went" with our first dates and would meet up if nothing came of it.

Fast forward around a month, and both of our new "relationships" were a bit rocky. Mine ended up going on for four months but wasn't a happy situation and in his case he thought she had ghosted him a couple of times when she went AWOL for a week once or twice.

Still, both of us were the loyal type (sorry if that sounds ironic) so while we carried on chatting - including long phone chats and talking about our lives; both of us were pretty sure our new "relationships" at that stage would come to nothing.

After a month or so, I decided I wanted to try and make thing more serious with the man I was seeing so cut off communication with the online dating guy. He agreed and we both went off and concentrated on our respective relationships.

Every few weeks or so we would check in, and as things progressed over the course of a year his relationship blossomed into a long term committed relationship and mine fell apart.

He would always call to check in on me, I had a fair bit of bad luck and two of the three men I dated last year cheated and me and weren't nice and he was supportive and told me how great I was.

After a while, he confessed to me that although we had never met, he felt a very powerful attraction to me and thought about me all the time /fantasised about me and then he listed all the things he loved about me and who I was in a very touching way. He said he felt confused as he felt he might have feelings for me and it was making him feel torn so at that point we decided to delete each other's numbers our of respect for his partner.

So we deletetd numbers completely and we did not know last names. I knew where he worked and the town he lived in and he didn't know much about me at all so I expected I would never hear from him again but that felt quite correct at the time.

A few months passed and out of the blue I got a message from him. He confessed he'd been unable to forget about me so he had played detective to find my place of work and get my phone number. He said he was still in the relationship but just could not shake his thoughts of me.

So we started to talk again, and now we speak on the phone and yes, it is flirty and yes we discuss meeting and that we have feelings for each other and this has been going on for two weeks now and I feel horrible and know he does too.

The question is what to do about it.

We have never met, although we have video chatted and become very close emotionally over this time so it could be that the "feelings" we feel are complete fantasy.

So the only way to know is to meet, yet meeting feels extremely wrong and unethical. So I am not sure what to do. He is worried that we will end up married to the wrong people because we never took a chance and met - and I agree it seems mad to never know- but at the same time meeting feels very wrong and a lot like cheating (as does us even speaking).

So what should I do? Cut off all communication or is there another logical and ethical way to deal with it?

I can't really tell you exactly why he is saying these things to you. No one knows except him. No point in analysing it.

What I do know is that I haven't heard of many happy, committed relationships that started this way.

He has already shown you and told you that he is a cheat and a liar. You'd be a bit bonkers to go down this road, don't you think?

Fast forward a year or two, he's up late at night on his phone or the laptop, what do you think he'll be doing?

I wouldn't get involved but it sounds as if you're going to let your curiosity get the better of you. Be careful.

I think he'll meet you, have sex with you a few times and then end it.

if he wasnt happy with his gf, he would have left her. He hasnt.

You're the spare. For 'just in case'. Always helpful to have one on the back burner in case of boredom.

Sorry OP but he sounds like a complete dick.

If you ever got it on, he'd do the same to you as he's doing to his gf. Block him & don't give him any further encouragement

Not cut off communication with me and suggest we delete numbers

And then he got back in touch. How did he find you again without your last name?

Point 2 & 3 mean nothing. He could be biding his time, or could just get off and having two women wanting him.

Vanilla what are you talking about?

He hasn't cut all contact has he?

He does want to cheat on his gf arrange a date with you.

He is carrying on an emotional, 'romantic' relationship with another woman, discussing his primary relationship with an outsider all the while pretending to be commuted to his poor unsuspecting gf.

That really tells you all you need to know.

If he doesn't live his gf sufficiently to stop developing a relationship with you he should break it off.

He is betraying another woman every time he calls you.

You deserve better Vanilla and so does his Girlfriend.

Cut him off.

BTW how can you be sure that you are the only one he's calling this way?

He's staying with his girlfriend until he meets you so he can then pick the one he likes best. Do you not find that humiliating?

All right all, I decided to write to him today and break contact again purely off the basis of one thing pointed out here - which is that he is doing the dirty on his girlfriend and I don't want a boyfriend like that.

No, I don't find it at all humiliating. I'd not expect someone who's never met me to "pick me". I don't feel invested either way, I just feel perhaps he is not 100% sure about moving his commitment to the long term with this woman and he has thoughts about this other girl.

No idea if I am the only one he calls, but unless proved otherwise I tend to tak what people are saying at face value otherwise I'd lapse into a realm of paranoia.

How did he find me? He had a journalist friend and he knew a few things about me.

I agree though, he should sort out his own relationship and not involve me!

Blimey, he ( this) all sounds completely bonkers if you ask me.
Just block him, don't get caught up in his silly game playing..it'll do your head in.

Take control OP, you are playing with fire, and what a bloody shame for that poor woman that is stuck with him, he sounds a right arsehole, why even converse with a man who is in a relationship - I just don't get it - leave him alone and leave her alone - just because he initiates contact doens't mean you have to always respond.

If he was remotely interested in you then surely you'd be a couple no, you aren't, remember that.

In my experience there are many men online who are not really interested in a relationship, they just want an ego boost.

This guy sounds like one of those guys. If he was really interested he would have left his gf months ago and he's not. He will lead you a merry dance for as long as you let him.

I would not trust anyone who behaved like this. It is not honourable, it is not decent, and I would be an absolut mug to believe any of the crap that came out of that liar's mouth.

I'm amazed you think it's OK for him to see if he likes you before deciding whether to leave his gf. Relationships aren't about sticking with someone until you have the opportunity to trade up.

I think you've done the right thing. It occurs to me that, since he hasn't met you (and only really has video chats and texts etc to go on) that he might be the sort of man to romanticise a relationship. You are easy to romanticise because you've never been in the position of having face to face contact and being revealed as just a normal woman. He might have built you up to be the 'one who got away' simply because he's never seen you dribble wine down your front whilst laughing, or heard your annoying laugh. (I don't believe you dribble or have an annoying laugh, by the way, these are purely for illustrative purposes).

His current relationship is reaching that point where she will be no longer on her best dating behaviour and may have started doing things he finds 'irritating' (ie, normal, female things). So he's starting to think about the New Perfect. And that, presently, is you. Until you fart, or break one of his wineglasses or...

You get my drift.

I think you've made the right choice OP.

He's in a committed relationship...commitment doesn't mean that you'll never find anyone else attractive, it means that when you do you honour your commitment to stay with the person you're with.

We're all humans and of course meet other people that could go somewhere if we weren't with our current partners. That's no reason to run off meeting up with them all to see if we fancy trading in our current partners!

I would be worried for you that his actions suggest he doesn't really understand how long term commitment works...what happens when he comes across someone else that floats his boat at work for example?

This sort of meeting is exactly how affairs start....

So good for you for setting and sticking to your boundaries!

He's a player, on an ego trip.
Run for the hills love.

I think you are fantasising about him as much as he is about you ( difference is he is in a relationship). You've had some difficult times in the past with men and his flattering cosy chats are very easy to be seduced by .A lazy way to communicate .But it's not real , he's not real until you actually meet him ( you'll be disappointed) his behaviour is dodgy.
Get out there and have real life interactions with real men goodluck

Vanilla I think you have done the right thing.

There is nothing wrong with "taking things at face value" ordinarily but you know that in this case you are dealing with a liar.

He isn't being honest with his gf about you, so it's not safe to take face value here.