His friends don't want to meet me

[ToTheLeft]

Been with BF 18 months. Amazing relationship, we're discussing marriage and children in the not too distant future.

BF has a small group of close friends whom he spends a lot of time with. He's tried to engineer us meeting on several occasions but it hasn't happened for one reason or another. It's his birthday coming up soon and he has tried to organise a couples evening out so I can meet them all but yet again they've refused and said they don't understand his obsession in getting us to meet. I do feel a bit awkward about meeting them after so long but I feel like it's kind of a standard step in any long term relationship and just assumed it would happen at some point. He's met many of my friends and they've been keen to include him. We're both going to my friend's very small wedding abroad for example.

It's kind of upset me because they mean a lot to him and he talks about them a lot and now there is this big part of his life which I probably won't be part of now.

What, if anything can I do? Or should I do? Anyone else experienced this?

Maybe there's something in the sexist thing. Bf is absolutely lovely and treats me very well and I know he is not misogynistic in any way. But, his friends recommended a film to us once and I didn't like it due to the way it portrayed women. Bf told them I didn't like it for this reason and apparently they said 'why are you dating a feminist?'. So it could be that. But I'm not a radical feminist and I wouldn't be in their faces about it or anything. I know when it's appropriate to bite my tongue.

I honestly don't think it's my brother behind any of this. If anything, he's desperate to show me off! Like I say, he talks about me a lot to them. They have a whatsapp group and he often posts about funny things I've said or done on there.

It sounds like it's becoming a far bigger deal than it needs to be tbh

Agree with this completely and be careful. Sometimes when an issue, any issue, becomes "A THING" it can get a life of it's own and cause people to become entrenched in a position.

A friend of mine had this issue with her brother's gf who got "A THING" about meeting her. The friend as a result got all "I'm not going to be told what to do" and said because she felt totally pressured by the whole thing she had no interest in meeting this woman. She really dug her heels in and was "I'll meet her in my own sweet time". Eventually they split up, she never met her and it is water under the bridge. But the point I'm making is that making something into A Big Issue can have unintended consequences moving from the other party. So here - if you make a big fuss, this will get back to the friends, who may in turn adopt an entrenched position however unreasonable.

men only but they socialise without their partners an awful lot

I would worry that there is some other problem here. It is very, very weird that you have never met any of his friends in 18 months (Even if just in passing) unless you live miles away/different country.

I suspect that there is some issue here with your BF that he is not telling you about and he doesn't want you to meet them. The top likely reasons are:

1. His friends are knobs and he is worried you will judge him adversely and/or they may treat you badly if they are sexist pigs.
2. He is less serious about you than you imagine and/or has other women on the go and thinks he is at risk of exposure.
3. The friends "know stuff" about him that he doesn't want you to know and he wants to control information flow.
4. The friends are not that bothered but he has wrongly interpreted this as hostility to a meeting.

Not brother - BF. Stupid autocorrect!

Bizarre. Are you sure it's not your bf that doesn't want you to meet? Since you've never met his friends you only know what's he's telling you. Something not right here.

There's definitely no ow or anything like that. He's with me nearly every day and on the phone the other day.

I can't be sure obviously, but I don't think BF has made a big deal of them meeting me, just tried to arrange a night out for us all a few times but it didn't happen.

Again, I've been quite relaxed about the whole thing thinking we would meet eventually but them refusing to come out with us all for his birthday when that's what he wants to do and saying 'why are you so obsessed' etc has worried me and I'm realising that they really don't care about meeting me so it's not likely to happen now and obviously thinking through the connotations of that. I haven't let my BF know how I feel yet. I wanted to discuss it on here first because I am feeling upset but wanted to know how reasonable my feelings are in the circumstances.

I agree they might be sick of my name given how much he talks about me but I've gently warned him about that before and I obviously can't control what he talks about to them. I guess it doesn't change the position though.

So what should I do? I don't want to make it a 'thing' like pp's have suggested but I feel odd about the prospect of marrying him when I've never met any of his friends and will therefore be excluded from that part of his life.

Should I talk to him about it or just leave it?

I once knew someone who was determined that there would be no one at her wedding who she hadn't met before. So she and her fiance did a pre-wedding tour of the UK seeing various friends and family members on both sides, so when the wedding came round they both knew everyone there.

I thought this was a lovely idea - maybe worth suggesting something similar?

Do? Do absolutely nothing. Zip.

They sound like shit friends tbh. Boorish selfish gobshites. No wonder the lone woman stopped going - they sound boring as hell.

Do nothing. So what if you're first time meeting them is at your wedding? Sounds like they'll be completely unabashed so why should you care?

It also sounds like they'll never really be a part of your life - blokes are blokes, and their wimmin are background noise. If I were you I'd be just as indifferent back.

I would suggest your DPs friends don't like him as much as he thinks they do OP.

They just don't sound very nice to me, and as SquashyHat says, it doesn't sound as though they care much about your boyfriend. If there are no other red flags I'd let it go- it sounds as though if you force the issue and insist on a meeting, it will be at best awkward, and at worst they just won't show up. I'd see it as a kindness on your part to draw a veil over his friends not really giving a shit about him.

"This is really odd. It sounds like, at best, they are sexist twats who think women spoil the fun"

This. Sorry. Get ready for a life of lads nights out, lads only weekends, lads trips away, and all the delights that go with such things.

I have had this problem with an exp and it wasted three years of my life. I spent countless nights on my own or trying to keep myself amused/occupied whilst pretending wildly to not care that he was out doing god knows what with a bunch of sexist morons in the name of 'lads time'.

He could of course just be embarrassed that his friends are twats and that's why you haven't met them. But that begs the question, why does he have twats as friends?

I think it's very strange & tend to subscribe to the view that he may be hiding something. Most blokes would embrace the idea of a best mate getting together with a girl.

Another wh thinks it very strange that you can have been dating someone for 18months and you've never met any of his friends. That's just weird.
Have you never just invited one friend and girlfriend to join you for a meal out. Or have you never had a party at your house. Or have you never gone out somewhere for the day and said 'Why not ask Steve and Jane to come with us?' etc.etc.etc.
I don't have a problem with people having "lads" or "girls" nights out, and not wanting to 'crash' those, but, seriously, if, over 18 months you've never had any opportunities to get to know any of them, I'd be very, very wary about getting any further into this relationship. That's just not right.

This. Sorry. Get ready for a life of lads nights out, lads only weekends, lads trips away, and all the delights that go with such things

I was previously in a 12 year relationship with a 'man' lad like this and I wouldn't ever tolerate it again. I did know most of his friends though but it was probably easier because they were all local and we socialised a lot together.

Current BF is not laddish in anyway although the sport he and his friends like does tend to attract this kind of person (sorry, I don't usually like generalising). I believe that early on in our relationship he told his friends that he would not be coming to so many of these 'lad's' nights as he wanted to invest time into our relationship and I must say that I have no complaints about how much effort he puts into seeing me. I don't ever stop him from going to see his friends, he often pops round after work before coming to see me and will go to the bigger sporting events but will spend the other weekend days/nights with me so it works well. It's possible that they've noticed that they see him less now though.

I did think about showing BF this thread as a discussion point but I wouldn't want him to think that his friends didn't care about him as has been pointed out as a possibility. He lost many friends when he split from his ex and I wouldn't want to meddle in his current friendships.

BF has suggested possibly hosting one of these sporting events at my house at some point so that's a possibility. Otherwise, we could invite one or two for dinner at mine maybe and see how that goes down. I might also get some couple friends together so he can get to know my friends' partners better so we have a closer social group closer to home.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I'm going to try remain relaxed about it and if it happens it happens. It's really helped talking it through.

Contact them directly and say you'd like to arrange a surprise dinner and ask for dates for when they can attend.

I think you're overthinking this i.e. how this may affect the future. Your future (currently) would be with your bf not his mates. You're taking it personally. You've already said these couples don't socialise together anyway and you can't force it. If it happens once i.e. getting together, it sounds like a long way off before it would happen again. Why is it so important to you?

If you bf is upset by it, he needs to sort it out with them. It's not your battle. I wonder if he knows it's important to you and that's why he is getting upset about it and keeps attempting to arrange things i.e. the pressure is coming from you even though you say you are relaxed about it?