Need help working through feelings

[wreckedhead]

I've name changed for this. I'm married. I have an 8 month old baby. My husband is a caring, hard working and genuine person. He is a wonderful father.

Since the baby was born I keep having fantasies of being a single parent. I know, it's weird. I also know that there are many single parents who might read this and think I am insane / that I don't understand the implications of what I'm saying.

I just feel so much more relaxed when it's me and the baby by ourselves. We might go and visit my parents or just spend the day together. I find it tough when my husband is around and I don't know why.

I know that this is a "grass is greener" type of feeling. I'm sure I would miss him if he was gone. But I can't help keep imagining this. What the fuck is going on? Why am I thinking such awful things?

I have these feelings too. I certainly had them when DD1 was very young and I felt like I was the only one who really knew what she wanted/needed. Everything DH did was wrong in my eyes! But I realise now that it was a very odd time and I wasn't seeing things straight.

Have you spoken to him about this?

Does your husband have a stressful job? Do you still love him? Caring, genuine, hard working people who love you, don't grow on trees.

It is an amazing feeling, you and your baby, I remember it like it was yesterday, but it doesn't last forever. What about a brother or sister, for your little one to play with, building a happy family, sounds like you have a lot of the building blocks.

Do you think perhaps you can only feel yourself in the role as a mother at the moment ? Are you worried that you can't simultaneously carry on your role as a wife/lover/friend to your husband ? I remember those early months first time round as quite magical, but your body and mind have been through so much. Perhaps because you can't see yourself merging the two roles you're fantasising about just fulfilling the one?

Thank you for the replies.

I haven't mentioned anything to my husband - it would devastate him. He would do anything to make me happy and would want to know what to do to help - I wouldn't know what to tell him.

He has a fairly stressful job yes. I love him very much I just feel very distant from him. Which isn't surprising I suppose, as we often sleep in separate rooms since the baby.

I have found motherhood very difficult so far. I grieve for my old identity quite a lot - I miss work and have decided to go back a lot earlier than originally planned. Another sibling is definitely not on the cards; while he is an amazing father I don't view myself as an amazing mother!

I feel very guilty for having these day dreams. I just want them to go away.

Change the sleeping in separate rooms, if you want to feel closer to him, as you will literally be closer too him.

I misunderstood a little bit, i thought you were totally loving being a mother, maybe the daydreams are because your not happy then, it is very fixed when you first have a baby, very all consuming, that bit doesn't last. Soon a little one is exploring at your feet, your watching, making sandwiches, it gets easier.

You will still be who you were, if you want to be, I am very much the person i always was, I know it doesn't seem like it from where your standing, but this is a little bit of your life, it will pass quicker than you think. I remember afternoons that seemed to last forever, but now it all seems so long ago, youngest of 3 is 9 years old.

You love him very much, give yourself time to see how you feel, when your baby is a little older.

Sorry, you haven't misunderstood - I just haven't been very clear. I do enjoy time with the baby and the older she gets, the more I enjoy it. I am definitely a lot calmer around her. I have just found the lack of independence an absolute killer. I was also very career driven and wonder whether I will be able to hold it all together when I go back.

I think part of it is that as we've got further apart, I'm not finding it that horrible - not spending much time just us two, not sleeping in the same bed. It makes me think, why are we together? I enjoy being around the baby, I am looking forward to work but I just seem irritated around him.

I'm not making much sense now!