Struggling in my marriage: do I stay or go?

[Lostandlonely1979]

I am coming on here because I'm feeling really lost and not sure what to do. I've read posts that are similar to my situation and the MNers have been great, so thought I'd lay out my situation.

Basically I'm desperately unhappy in my marriage and need to figure out whether it's worth salvaging, or even possible to salvage.

We've been married for five years, together for almost eight. Two young kids and an older one from his previous relationship. I've always wondered whether getting married was the right thing to do, or whether I just 'fell' into it.

Our life feels very 'ploddy' and my DH is extremely lazy, always tired, never up for seizing life. I'm naturally very enthusiastic and love socialising, doing new things, basically living life to its fullest (within reason considering the kids) I feel like, when I'm with him, I'm just existing through life. When I'm with friends, working, exercising, being with my family etc. I feel like myself and I feel free. Then I come home and this cloud of slowness and apathy descends again.

We've been to counselling together and separately. We had to stop the joint counselling because It was getting so expensive at nearly £100 a session with childcare and travel. The counselling seemed to help temporarily but both times, things have just settled back into the same old ruts.

Now I realise that all marriages have their ruts and that riding these out is all part of the journey.

But the thing that's made me really take notice lately is that he's started taking his tiredness out on the children. My eldest recently told me that he hit the younger but he argues it was 'just a tap', won't happen again etc. She also told me that he threw her favourite doll against the wall because she wouldn't go to sleep. And what's really upset me is that he called my (very sensitive) eldest a 'stupid child' and a 'cry baby' when she woke up in the night recently. The rest of the time he's very loving and a great dad, but he takes his tiredness out on them and I can't bear it. It breaks my heart that my daughter climbed into bed with me crying because daddy called her stupid.

We've also had a lot of family tragedy lately and several people have died, throwing everything into a rather sharper focus. I.e. Life is too short.

So with a bit of background, a lot of dissatisfaction and plenty of upset about the way he's been treating the children, I guess my quandary is - do I stay or go? Is it worth pursuing a marriage which feels so stale and broken already, and one that could be negatively impacting my children? I've asked him to see a doctor, do anger management and generally get help, but he never does. His general attitude is one of apathy, and it feels like he just assumes I'll never go anywhere. This theme runs through a lot of our life, and my feelings regularly take aback seat so that he can appease other people. I want to feel important, supported, and like he would do anything for his family. But I fear he's just at best a bit of a coward, at worst extremely selfish and lazy.

Anyway I'm going off again! I would just really appreciate a little help and guidance as I just don't know what I should do.

Thanks so much x

In what way is your stepdaughter's mother unbalanced? To me that sounds worrying

Do you know her? In whose opinion is she unbalanced?

She is extremely aggressive (the headbutt threat was made on Facebook, of all places) and very unfair in the way she deals with us/SD. As an example, on finding out I was pregnant with DD2, DH and I got a slew of abusive messages calling us all kinds of names.

I don't know if 'unbalanced' is the right word but she's definitely unpleasant and extremely selfish, verbally abusive and aggressive. Another reason DH and I fall out regularly is because he doesn't stand up to her, would rather put us out than upset the apple cart with her.

Every time I return to this thread OP I read something else that makes me think you must want to go. I can see he needs to protect his eldest daughter's interests, but by upsetting you to appease the headbutting ex ? The impression I have now is of a very weak and slightly pathetic character. Can't handle his ex, can't support you, can't curb his temper around his children and uses his young children as verbal punchbags. I think you've been very patient. Cliche alert : One Life ?

It's a cliche for a reason. When people around you start falling dreadfully ill and even dying, it delivers such painfully harsh perspective. Would I be happy living this life if I knew it was ending soon? Absolutely not :( thank you for revisiting and delivering such helpful advice. I will see how things are looking after I've got some sleep and start to think about a plan with a clear head.