How do I stop rejections being so painful?

[Jollyphonics]

I apologise for this being a trivial problem compared to some of the tragic stories I see here, but I'm hoping someone can offer advice or empathise with me.

I'm late 40s, single parent, been on my own and very happy for years, with my 2 kids. My life is good, I have a good job, lots of friends, and I love spending time with my kids. I haven't felt the need for a relationship since splitting with my ex years ago.

In the last few weeks I've got to know a man who helps at a club my kids attend. We've become friendly, been out on a few dates, talked and texted a lot, and a couple of days ago we had sex. OK I know that was a bit hasty, but I'm a big grown up now and I thought there was no reason to be coy and "make him wait" like I used to in my younger days! All lovely - wanted to go out again etc etc.

Anyway, I saw him at the club today and got an obvious brush-off. I've sent one light-hearted text since, and he hasn't replied. I'm old enough to know a brush off when I see one, and that's what this is. I don't want to demean myself by asking for explanations. Time to move on.

My problem is that I am disproportionately upset by this. I'm not smitten with him at all. In fact I have to admit i wasn't overly bothered about him, but I've enjoyed the attention and flattery. Now that it's been taken away I feel pathetic, old and worthless. Why is this? This time last week I was exactly the same person I am now, with the same life, but somehow now my happy life seems sad and lacking.

I always used to be like is pre-kids - allowing my self esteem to be dictated by whatever boyfriend I had at the time. But I honestly thought that now I had kids I'd got all this into perspective. Is anyone else like this? Any handy hints on how to make myself see sense? Realistically I know this man has only been in my life a very short time, he's nothing special himself, he's just a normal person - so why am I allowing his rejection to affect how I see myself?

Sorry it's so me me me.

I think "moving on" is easier said than done. I'd feel exactly the same, and probably obsess over something like this for years. I think, in your shoes, I'd want some sort of revenge. He's made you feel like shit, after all! Why should he get away with that?

I think I'd call him out on his behaviour. Not sure how, but I'd certainly do it. I'd want to get back at him. He's married and he targeted you for a shag on the side. His behaviour is disgraceful. Why should he think he's got away with it?

You are not pathetic; he is. Get angry, and get even!

I'd recommend reading the book 'why men love bitches'...it will help you to take things more slowly and avoid getting these kinds of rejections. It's tongue in cheek in parts but it's quite good for if you tend give too much too soon.

I suppose you could try looking at it as a lucky escape? What if his wife had found out after a time? There's always a positive to come from a negative, it just takes time to see it. I think for me at least, it's about control. Be master of your own destiny - and making a conscious decision as to how you choose how to react to someone else's behaviour. You can either let it bother you or not. Easier said than done I know, but think of number 1 and look after yourself spiritually and emotionally. Flowers for you...

"There's always a positive to come from a negative". Perhaps yours is the insight from schnoo. I once took a small insight to a gestalt therapist and after 6 sessions was able to be much more spontaneous in life esp. relationships. (other schools of therapy are available)

Maybe a little work on rejection with someone used to working at the subconscious level might be easier in the long run.

I would not waste your anger or any other emotion at this sad "fun" man.

I agree that we are all humans and rejections is hurtful.
Although some of us react more intensely.
Rejection used to drive me insane. And I could not understand why these feelings were so painful. I did tend to be clingy and tend to "jail" my partners. Therapy made me understand were it came from. (Childhood fear of abandonment). When the feelings come I now know that they are not a valid response to what is happening now, but to what happened in the past and it is so much easier to let go.
Potentially these feelings could have an impact on your partners and children. I do recommend therapy. Good luck

The Naze

PrincessBooBoo That's offensive judgemental Just like all women are gold diggers....

Really don't see how sweeping statements like that help

Although it is Judgemental, men WILL say almost anything to get their leg over

Thank you everyone.
But i can't help wondering - how does knowledge of where the feelings come from make them easier to deal with?
My logical brain has a good grip on this - it was a nothing relationship, it was short, it would never have amounted to much even if he wasn't married, my life is happy and fulfilling in other ways, I have friends/job/money - life is good, and I realise that.
I also know that being abandoned and unloved by my father all my life has no doubt had a huge effect on me, and may be the root cause of this abnormal reaction.
But there seems to be a huge chasm between having this knowledge and insight, and being able to apply it to a situation, in order to render it less painful. In fact, telling myself that it's not just his cruelty that has upset me, but also my emotional failings, makes me feel even worse!

I am hesitant to make sweeping statements here but I do think it's hard for women to separate sex and emotions. Some men seem to be able to do it easily enough!! But when I was single and empowered and trying to sleep around I just found myself 'falling for' everyone I shagged. Maybe it was the oxytocin? Anyway, I started being more discerning about who I slept with and then I stopped getting overly invested in the blokes I was only marginally interested in.

Jollyphonics like you I already knew the root. I just did not know how much it affected me. And I am not sure why but therapy took it to a deeper level, to a more felt level. My rational self is struggling to explain, but it did help for so many things to be more relaxed about things.

I think you need to let the anger rise in this case. He is a married man who has deliberately targeted you, knowing nothing would come of it afterwards. It's appalling behaviour. He works with your kids and he's been on dates with you and slept with you! I would be talking to his wife about this.

PrincessBooBoo Humm.. your theory isnt quite right it should be once he's got his wicked way then he by most male standards will want to come back for more;!

You only have too read the dating thread and many, many other threads its quite clear as soon as 50/60% of men have sex they are no longer interested in any contact what so ever. Its hurtful mean and totally unnecessary!

Op, you're upset because you're a decent person with feelings its normal to be upset when you're rejected with no reasonable explanation.

A decent guy would have talked to you explaining what ever reasons he felt it was best too not see you again, instead he thinks ignoring you is acceptable, Id think you're lucky you found out early what a waste of space he is.

Oh, I posted before I read the posts about him being married, he's even worse then the 50% who have sex and ghost you. What a dickhead.

You ask how the knowledge of where feelings come from can help in a given situation... I think it'd be really wise to invest in some psychotherapy of some sort as this will help you so much now and for the future. We grow up with repressed feelings and in certain situations react by giving a conditioned response. Just the knowledge of whatever these maybe then provides you with understanding. Once you understand why, it's easier to deal with them per se. You can then try and make a conscious choice as to how you choose to react to a given situation.