Husband going out of his mind - PIL related and possible trigger

[wibblypig1]

Dear all,
Don't know where to start and I'm sorry if this is not explained properly. Recently PIL have upset my DH and messed us about badly with an ongoing issue. Trying to support my DH by telling him that he wasn't imagining things and that they just deal with things badly. One of his parents was physically and emotionally abusive towards DH from a young age, but has turned over a new leaf and regrets their past actions. The trouble is, now my OH is still scared of this parent and feels like he can never defend himself. They are still upset about the recent fall out and have snubbed him, preferring to see another sibling who rarely bothers with them today. DH has been quiet and contemplative the last week and I assumed it's because he was processing the events.

We had a bit of a disagreement this afternoon that escalated really quickly. He told me I was just like my mother - fat, nasty and controlling. There was a crazed look in his eyes, he was really mad. He involved our daughter in this as she was eating her dinner and made her cry, telling her that I was kicking him out. We took the disagreement outside the kitchen, and I said I needed space away from him. He wouldn't leave despite me begging him, despite me explaining that I needed some space from him. I grabbed my keys and my coat and he barred the door. He told me I wasnt going anywhere. I asked hi to leave again because his behaviour wasn't normal. DH has just left the house having kicked me and holding me round the arms and shoulders, pulling me away from the the door to stop me leaving. He was like a crazed man. I don't know what to do. I know he'll come back and apologise (he's never hit me before).

Oh OP. He's taken you for a mug. Him being under stress because of his family is not a reason to change the subject and get out of taking responsibility for his actions.

He was violent and aggressive. There is no excuse for that. And as soon as you want to talk about it he's brought out the old hint at how close he may or may not be to harming himself. Better just drop it, eh? Wake up OP.

Plenty of people here will have had horrendous childhoods. I have no sympathy for your husband. Nor for you if you get your eyes opened to what is going on here and then decide to brush over this anyway. Think of the environment your daughter finds herself in.

He has a telephone consultation this week and I have told him he must mention his suicidal thoughts and open and honest. He has tried therapy before but didn't tell them everything because he thought they'd think bad of him.

If he isn't going to be 100% honest with a therapist, then there's very little point. It would be one thing to conceal something small, like a single embarrassing bullying incident, but concealing suicidal thoughts or not telling the truth about his parents and his childhood is going to be major to him being able to fix what is wrong with him. That would be like going to a doctor and telling him you have a stomach ache, but not mentioning that you're vomiting blood.

Would he agree to you 'sitting in' on this phone consult? Would you be willing to make a line in the sand and tell him either he's 100% honest and lets you sit in to be sure of it or he must leave until he's gotten help and is allowing you to be part of his 'team'.

If he cared about you and your daughter at all he would leave until he'd sorted himself out to keep you safe.

Please report him.

He is talking about feeling suicidal, but his impulse was to hurt you not himself. I agree with pp that this is a common distraction and poor-me tactic from abusers to fog what they have done. If it is genuine, I'm afraid that's even worse as he is showing you clearly that he is not safe for you and dd to be around at the moment and the harm/aggression is just as likely to be directed at you as himself.

If he is genuinely sorry it happened he should be willing to leave to ensure you and dd's safety until he is more stable, and it would need to be a return on the direct condition that he never assaults you again, for any reason whatever. Please put your and dd's safety first.

I agree with acrossthepond. It really is vitally important to be 100% honest with the therapist. They are certainly not going to judge him, that´s quite interesting that he thinks that way. So he assumes guilt for being abused as a child maybe?

Has he ever tried going No Contact with them? Would you be able to get the book Toxic Parents for him? I actually have some sympathy for your OH, I don´t think this is as black and white and as a clear cut LTB. If he´d really wanted to hurt you OP, he would have done more than kick your leg. I think he may be having a breakdown, or be on the verge.

I was having CBT ( donkey´s yrs ago ) and it opened a can of worms, I was having a very stressful work/personal life too. Well I just snapped 1 night and trashed my shared house, chucking stuff out the front door, screaming etc.....VERY out of character and I´ve never done anything like that before or since. It´s like somebody took possession of my body!

I didn´t harm anyone but the police were called and I spent the night in a cell. Not my finest hour. Luckily I had a lovely friend who knew I wasn´t a violent arsehole who took care of me and supported me. I actually think it´s scary that we never really know ourselves or what we are capable of under certain extreme conditions.

I think sometimes people are like tightly wound springs and it can be a build up of stress over years, then a certain trigger will just release that pent up pressure and strange, out of character things happen. People have to think outside the box and not just assume you´re a violent arsehole and that all cases of violence should be treat the same.

Also, some people don´t behave like in the above example. The release of pent up pressure happens and it manifests in them taking ( or attempting to take ) their own lives. I hope your OH perseveres with the therapy, reads some literature on the subject to inform himself and understand it´s not his fault he is damaged, and that he also can find a way to minimize ( if not go full NC ) contact with his family.

moominpie thank you so much for your reply. Sorry to hear you have had a tough time in the past. I'm pleased you got the support you needed from someone who understood you. I remember feeling awful with PND and feeling like I wasnt in charge of my body or my thoughts. It's nothing compared to your situation or the situation yesterday, but it's frightening how it can take you over.

Funnily enough, DH's sibling has gone NC with the parents in the past, but they've managed to wheedle their way back in a little. The sibling's own marriage has failed (much to PIL delight - they "knew it was going to happen" and they didn't like their spouse and it was all the spouse's fault etc etc). They ARE toxic and for someone who struggles with anxiety, as OH does, it's not a great mix. We've discussed the possibility of NC in the past and moving away, but then it would mean cutting out my family geographically, who are unable to travel.

Thanks again for your replies.

My ex was the same, he had an abusive childhood but it took another couple of years and a lot more abuse for me to leave, and realise he was actually abusive, it was not mental illness, nor was it because of his past. Your dh chose to act that way towards you but at the time it's nicer to believe something else is to blame, and he's not that nasty person, I know I've been there. If you choose to stay with him please research abusive partners, educate yourself on the signs, and excuses they use. If he is in fact abusive, next time will be worse, and it will increase in frequency. Look after yourself and dd x

OP your DP is not genuine. Nothing about his responses are genuine. You know what your life will be like if you stay. Within a fortnight there will be something else. It's your life, OP, and it's up to you what you do with it but please listen to all of the posters and keep re reading. It IS as bad as everybody is telling you. He's not really remorseful and counselling will not change him, as he isn't motivated to change. It's everyone else's accountability and not his, isn't it? The family issues do not justify anything. The suicidal thoughts are a red herring. There was a thread a while ago about how many abusive ex partners had said similar and it was a very common theme. It's a method of keeping you in line.

He's done an absolute number on you.

And the cycle is perpetuated with your daughter...