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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please tell me what to do?

52 replies

shutupandshop · 27/02/2016 15:33

My nc father has just turned up on my doorstep, with my nc mother waiting in the car.

He has left his number if I want to get in touch. God it was the same old shit. I'm lazy, my problem is.... Blah blah. He can't even get my name right.

He admitted that my mother is a habitual liar but I should just take that with a pinch of salt.Hmm

He looked old, hes 69. He said hes not got long to live as has a heart condidtion. Hes had in for 22 years though.

I don't want my parents to die with not contact but god my sanity.

OP posts:
Original poster
shutupandshop · 27/02/2016 17:43

The door is not helpfully see through. I was in the bath. Dh answered the door. I haven't got a chain but can just not answer. Although tricky as have 3 and 6 year old as well. Feel like going out for day.

Thanks Atilla, your totally right of course. Currently feeling physically ill from it all. Dh has suggested seeing how I feel in mornjng.

Part of me wants to have a relationship witj them but that blood bond is strong I guess.Confused

I am swaying very much to staying nc. I think contact will lead to a whole world of pain for me and possibly Dcs.

I feel like Im lying in the sea just bobbing in the waves. Its not a good feeling.

OP posts:
Original poster
shutupandshop · 27/02/2016 17:45

You said you don't want them to die while still NC - do you mean that?

I honestly don't know. Selfishly I think I'm worried about how I'll ferl when they die.

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Original poster
shutupandshop · 27/02/2016 17:49

My father also brushed off the fact that I am ill. We all have our problems. Didnt ask about it or want to know. But had to tell ne all about his healthHmm a parent would want to know right?

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Original poster
shutupandshop · 27/02/2016 17:51

Might go out for day tomorrow actually. Dd2 has tonsillitis so will see.

OP posts:
LadyintheRadiator · 27/02/2016 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daisydalrymple · 27/02/2016 18:48

Nothing selfish about thinking about how you will feel, that's what you've got to focus on, what's best for you and your family. Not what you feel you should do, but what you truly want to do.

Any chance of a bath tonight, soak your worries away, clear your head of everything? Things might feel differently in the morning after a (good??) nights sleep?

And hopefully you'll continue to have advice through the evening here, from people who've been through similar.

I wish you the very best and hope you're able to come to a decision that gives you peace of mind. Just starting bedtime with dc3, but I will check in later. (And sympathies, dd also has been off with tonsillitis this week!)

Original poster
shutupandshop · 27/02/2016 18:53

So many wise words. Thank you all.

I suppose in my heart o hearts if it was just me I'd see them and allow them to destroy the confidence I've built up because at least I'd have them in my life. But I have my dcs to tjink about and ultimatley nc if for the best. God that says it all.Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
shutupandshop · 27/02/2016 18:54

Is for the best

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Longdistance · 27/02/2016 19:09

He couldn't get your name right?
He lands on your doorstep criticising you?
And then lays it on thick about his heart condition even though he probably drove to yours guilt tripping you?

NC seems like the right decision. Sounds like they haven't changed one iota, and are not likely to either. Don't think your dc would benefit from these people in your lives either Flowers

jayho · 27/02/2016 19:10

my elder sister is nc with our ma, she still has stress dreams about meeting and 'what if' musings, it always really upsets her. I always reassure that she had valid reasons for going nc, she still has them, ma has not changed.

In your situation it is for the best, I'd give you the same advice as my sister. Me and other sibling can just and just cope with her behaviour, with lots of boundary setting etc. Her attacks on sis were always much harsher and she could not cope.

You must look after yourself x

Original poster
shutupandshop · 27/02/2016 19:12

Thank you Jayho, sorry your ma is like that. I have always been the scapegoat too. Your post has helped perspective.

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Original poster
shutupandshop · 27/02/2016 19:15

Long distance, he did drive! I don't think its not that he cant get my nane right, he just doesn't want to call me by proper name, he never has, despite me asking him too.

He couldn't remember dd2s name as he said he hasn't seen her for so long. Hmm he was in her life until she was 2.

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Original poster
shutupandshop · 27/02/2016 19:17

My df has always blamed me a heartache he had when I was 16 because as he puts it I was a bitch.

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Original poster
shutupandshop · 27/02/2016 19:17

Df Hmm my father

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daisydalrymple · 27/02/2016 21:51

Shock keep posting! I'm sure you'll reach the right solution in no time! But equally, you've dealt with this all before, so I don't want you to rake it all up again and go through the same heartache- if nothing has changed that perhaps simplifies it all. Things stay as they are?

Original poster
shutupandshop · 27/02/2016 22:11

I think your right Daisy. Feeling a bit better. Hoping they won't turn up tomorrow. Sad

Part of me feels drawn to them but its not good for anyone, well from my end anyway. They make me feel shit about myself, no one deserves that. My dcs don't deserve to see that or be on the recieving end of my parents.Sad

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daisydalrymple · 27/02/2016 22:18

I think trust your instincts and make sure dh is around with you. I hope you manage to sleep ok. (Dc3 just waking for the night shift here...!!)

Original poster
shutupandshop · 27/02/2016 22:50

Good luck Daisy. How olds dc3? Dh will be here. Ive actually just text them to say I have thought it over and i dont want to have contact. Its the right descion. I have asked that they dont come over tomorrow as its unfair and upsetting for dcs. I did add take care ekk. Feel a bit heartless.

Dh asked I did it from his phone so they don't get back in touch with me. He will block the number but may use another phone?!? they will dh will protect from that I'm sure.

I feel like its a bit like grieving over dramatic I now need to accept I'll probably never see them again. I'm sure I'll always feel sadness.

On a practical and morbid note. Does anyone plan to go to funerals?

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Mitfordhons · 27/02/2016 22:59

My nc parent died recently, I was a bit sad that our problems would never be resolved but not too much. I've often wondered how I'd feel when they went and the truth is that I did my grieving many years ago so I while I did have a cry I was over it quickly. I didn't go to the funeral last week, I felt that I didn't want to be in an environment where everyone would be talking about how marvellous they were when they really weren't. My Dsis and I feel a sense of relief.

JeremyZackHunt · 27/02/2016 23:02

Do you think that the sadness is not for them but the relationship they failed at? You know how to love and be loved and therefore what should have been. And while they're alive a bit of you will hope they become the parents you should have had. When they die, that hope will go :( That will be the whole story.
It does sound like they still think you should just forget whatever silly notions you had and behave as they think you should. I think you have been correct in NC.

Original poster
shutupandshop · 27/02/2016 23:07

Sorry you have gone through that Mitford.Flowers Its like everything has been on the back burner and has now been forced to the forefront of my mind. Things are becoming very clear with help from you lot and dh. I just want Monday to be here and normality to begin.

Teen has just said to me. I'm not bothered re nc, just do what you want. Erm and why did your dad say you were a bitch when you were a teen. Shock dd2 was listening on stairs.

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Original poster
shutupandshop · 27/02/2016 23:11

Jeremy yes!! I just want a normal family. I think a little bit of me expects a fairytale like ending. Clearly that won't happen. I have always thought, I love my dad not sure about my mum. Now I'm not so sure. I think
My self esteem has grown and I can't love someone who probably doesn't love me and certainly doesn't care about me.Sad

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Original poster
shutupandshop · 27/02/2016 23:15

Sorry to witter on. Have drank wine. My father made a big thing of wanting to see his gcs and how I've stopped him. He didn't seem at all intetested in me. My inlaws are looking saintly compare to my parents.Grin

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JeremyZackHunt · 27/02/2016 23:50

I've supported DH through a similar journey to you. Parenting is something you choose and you get out what you put in. It isn't a duty you impose on the parented.
Enjoy the life you've built :)

daisydalrymple · 28/02/2016 07:56

Dc3 is 16mo shutup I've had 3 reluctant sleepers Smile anyway, I'm glad you sounded decided and a bit more accepting of your decision. I hope today isn't a difficult day for you. Best wishes x

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