Baby Talk

[Moshikinder]

Hi - I'm getting a huge sinking feeling.

Before we got married DH and I talked about having children, even visited a doctor to see about his reversal (he has 2 grown children from previous marriage). He is a very good, loving dad and his children (now young men) are wonderful people.

And now, nearly a year on life is very different.
I lost my perm job in the summer and have been doing freelance work since then. DH says until I have something perm again and we've had a period of fun and no stress he won't even consider kids. But I'm worried time is slipping by - his vasectomy was already 12 yes ago!!

He says he'd only do it 'for me' and it's not a 'priority' for him anymore. He tells me that he is old and won't be blackmailed in to having children to keep me....that's not what I want to do. I love him, understand that he is 44 & I'm 32 but I've always wanted a family at some stage and was clear about that from the start.

Please help/advise how other's have got through something like this?!?!

Thanks x

As you'll know, vasectomy reversal doesn't always work. So you must have considered what would happen in those circumstances. Is it at all relevant now?

Biology aside, I find the way you describe how he is talking to you rather shocking, and it makes him sound like a bully. You're absolutely not blackmailing him, you're expecting him to live up to his word.

Even if he'd genuinely had a change of heart, he could have talked about it quite differently.

Are you in a position to call his bluff immediately and remind him of your clarity about desire for children. And then if he remains dismissive, take steps to leave?

This is an issue which is all or nothing.

Presumably you had a period of fun and no stress before you got married?
I'm definitely in favour of waiting before you have kids for that reason - but there's a limit how long.

I'd be most concerned / angry that he was inventing barriers, like the job situation. Is it a good reason? (e.g. A reasonable consideration of maternity benefits) Or do you feel he's inventing excuses?

With the reversal to go through - and possibly fertility treatment - he needs to be committed.

Who wants a father for their child who doesn't want a baby?

Honestly, I would say I wanted the reversal to be done ASAP and you'll go on the pill until it's time. If he won't do the reversal now, he's not going to do it at all.

There are a lot of men out there - at 32, I wouldn't piss about with one that doesn't want kids when you do - especially one that sounds like a patronising arse, frankly.

Sorry but I think he is telling you he doesn't want anymore kids.
What did the doctor say 're the success rate for his reversal?
How can he say he won't be blackmailed into having kids to keep you
I would imagine you discussed it and both agreed.

I was 32 when I married DH we both had dcs from prev relationships my dd was 17 his ds were 14,12. From the start we both agreed we didn't want anymore.
I'm 38 now and sitting with dd2 who is 3mths old she was a shock and surprise but in the end we BOTH agreed 100% to go ahead with the pregnancy.
I think he is being very unfair to you. Talk to him and if he's still making excuses I would think about leaving as you did make it clear from the start that you wanted a family.
Good luck.

Hate to say this but, my gut feeling here is that he doesn't want anymore children & he's married you under false pretences. I was in a similar situation a few years ago & it was reverse the vasectomy or end the relationship, which I had to.

He doesn't and never did want more children. He made the right noises so you would marry him and now you have, he feels entitled to string you along jumping through hoops until you change your mind or until you become less fertile.

He has prioritised his wants above your needs and will continue to do so until you say enough. This is not the type of man you want to be having a child with.

Is he really worried about the financial situation? I don't know of too many men who consider themselves old at 44, so am surprised e has mentioned this.

• he not e

If he wanted kids, any problems could be overcome. He's putting barriers in your way and making it your fault. He doesn't want kids.

Hmm... I think if you have always wanted children it was incredibly unwise to marry someone who clearly felt certain they had completed their family and who had a vasectomy a number of years ago.

It was unwise of him to marry a younger childless woman who he knew wanted children.

I think TBH the situation is irresolvable without you either accept that he most likely doesn't want more and is unlikely to be able to have any anyway or you leaving because having DC is highly important to you.

And I think 44 is old for having kids... Uni costs are too close to pension age for my liking...

Hi - thank you all for your advice.

On whether he is inventing reasons - the answer is I just don't know.

I think maternity leave considerations (which I currently wouldn't get with my consultancy work) is a genuine concern but what I worry about is if the goalposts continue to move? If I get a perm job and the concern changes to "you're not around enough" or "you work such long hours you don't have time for any fun." That's the fear I have and guess I won't know for sure until it happens.

Talked it through again last night. DH reiterated he would have children (adoption is also something we talked about in the past due to his vasectomy) but again was clear - he'd only be having them for me. I'm not sure that's good enough. I don't want any future DDs to not be really wanted by DH. I've told him that.

So I guess it's just a horrible situation of wait and see - it's not clear enough in my mind yet that the goalposts will keep moving or that reasons are being invented, because the one being presented is currently sensible - but the other one is the biggest problem. I've given myself a cut off point for if I don't see any real shifts. that's the bit he describes as blackmail - but I don't think that's right, it cuts me up to think about it and is something I wouldn't want to do. It would come down to the choice of wanting him and wanting kids. I think I already know which one Id pick if DH made me choose and it's not a great position for anyone to be in.

Sorry for long post X

If you go for adoption, your social worker will pick up pretty quickly that he's not committed to it.

Plenty of permanent employers make no additional provision beyond state entitlement.

I think he should commit to the reversal now so that you don't waste time later after "go" decision day.

You're right to put an ultimatum date on it though - and not too far away if you're sensible, I'm afraid.

You can rule adoption out right now if he doesn't want it with 100% of his being - it's not fair on the child you might adopt not to mention that he won't pass an assessment if he's ambivalent. Sorry

my lovely sister went through something similar, reversal was not an option so they went for fertility treatment, which she had to push for, sadly they weren't successful, so as discussed previous to marriage they started the adoption process, which he scuppered, she stayed, she told me if she could go back to when she first met him, she would run the other way, she admits she feels bitter.

I think your husband will continue to change the goalposts, I'm sorry OP.

I was in a similar position to you some years ago and I decided to leave. I remarried and now have a gorgeous little girl. From what you've said it really sounds like he doesn't want any more children. I wouldn't leave it too long if I were you.

I think you hit the nail on head with the 'changing goal posts' comment/worry.

I have just (very reluctantly) ended a relationship for the same reason. We agreed that starting a family would happen within 2 years. those 2 years came and went. my BF then said that if I wanted children any time soon then I was with the wrong person. I was absolutely gutted, but it gave me the answer I needed.

The ache to have children at our age (I'm also 32) is natural, and sometimes overwhelming. I could have probably carried on, with it pushed to the back of my mind - but I knew that I would regret it if I missed my chance. I also knew that I would resent him in the long run.

I'm sorry that you are going through this with your husband, it must be really hard to hear him say that he would only be having children for you. Is that enough for you? I'm not sure how I would feel if a partner said that to me. Surely you want them to be just as excited about the new chapter as you are?

I hope you get some answers, and a good outcome.

What is your cut off point?

Everything that Offred said. I have some friends who are in their mid-40s and are currently trying for a baby using fertility treatment. They will be at least 66 at the time of an 18th birthday. That to me, always does sound old and I wonder just how many people really sit back and think "do I want to cope with teenagers and university as I'm about to retire - oh, hang on, we can't retire, we've got to pay for university etc"

I also wonder why people who definitely, 100% want children, would choose to date someone who has had a vasectomy. It rarely ends well.