Anyone else struggle with partner who works away a lot?

[Lovemusic33]

We haven't been together long ( living together ), I knew he worked away a bit when we got together but he told me he did this because he was unhappy with his ex and then was single and had nothing else to do. His job involves working away quite a bit ( more so in the summer ), this weekend is the3rd time he's been away since we have been living together and I am finding it really hard , he says he hates being away from me, misses me etc..etc.. But he has hardly messaged me despite him not actually doing much work until later today. I kind of feel like I'm sat around at home waiting for him to call, waiting for him to come back. Last time wasn't this bad, maybe it's because I have awful PMT at the moment and I am feeling a little insecure?

I know it's going to get worse in the summer as he will be working away most weeks and I will hardly see him. Originally I thought having a man who works away a bit would be a good thing, means we wouldn't get on each other's nerves, means we would enjoy it when he got home ( due to missing each other ) but instead I feel really annoyed by the time he gets home ( being stuck at home struggling with my 2 dc's and trying to work from home ). I don't want him to think I can't cope without him here, I know I can as I have coped without a man around for quite a while.

Does anyone else find it hard having a partner that works away? Does it get easier?

The main problem here is the financial set up. I'm presuming your council tax has gone up and Amy tax credits have gone down since he moved in and you are assessed as a couple.

If he's only paying 50/50 on rent and c tax it's no wonder you're worse off! He needs to be filling the gap between what it cost you before and what it costs now.

It sounds to me like he has a cheap and convenient part time home and housekeeper situation. I'm sure he loves you too, but it's all too convenient.

My DP works away at times - usually only a week or two every few months, but xh used to be away for 3 weeks then home for 3 days! It's what made me realise that being a single parent would be easier, and it is! That's why I'm in no hurry to move my DP in. He has his own home and expenses, sees his dcs when he's there, then when he's here he pays for food and money towards toiletries etc and helps a bit with cooking/washing up etc but as its not his home I don't expect too much from him so I'm rarely disappointed! I work at home too, so I can be flexible around my DCs and see him when it suits me.

Move him out.

Keep him as a boyfriend if you want to, but he's not acting like a partner so he shouldn't get the perks while costing you money.

Also, has he moved in to yours? And what has happened to his last place? How are you financially worse off now he's moved in?

You've basically got a lodger. Bet he's loving just paying you some rent. He must be much better off.

As for doing his washing. He should have more respect and so should you. For yourself!!

You keep saying because he works so much you can't work as much but how?

I don't see what he has got to do with you working? Given his record he's hardly going to look after your children whilst you take on more work is he because why would he when he can go away and earn more cash for himself.

If he's only there a few hours each week I cannot see how this he is supposed to help out. It's almost like you are expecting him to take on a bigger chunk of responsibility within your household but if he does not prioritise his own kids then I can't see him bothering to prioritise yours!

Believe me, he won't change! He's almost like a lodger

I feel really annoyed by the time he gets home ( being stuck at home struggling with my 2 dc's and trying to work from home ).

Why? It's nothing to do with your partner, you would have been in this situation before you shacked up together. You knew he worked away from home on contracts already made, had other children which he needed to see frequently, so what exactly did you expect him to do for you?

You complain about doing his washing and cleaning up after him the one day he is there, then state he does the cooking and washing up and tries to help out whenever he can. If you have lost benefits then discuss finances with him, but don't expect him to be there to babysit your children so you can advance your own business.

You say you don't want to spend all your spare time cleaning up after him but he's there only one day a week?

Why am I worse off? I am a career for my disabled dc's, before he moved in I was claiming income support and housing beniffit, now he has moved in I have lost all my beniffits and have started my own small buisness from home ( which he said he would support me with ), I'm am struggling to do a few hours work and care for my dc's, I have hospital appointments and meetings to attend concerning the dc's and now I seem to have aquired an extra man child ( he said he would help out around the house so I could work more ).

I say I don't want to spend all my time cleaning up after him? He comes home most evenings, leaves me with dirty washing, I cook for him, he then falls asleep and wakes early to go to work, the short time he is here he manages to make quite a bit of mess.

Where was he living before? Basically he has been bed surfing and working away a lot since he split with his ex, I guess I felt pressured into letting him move in with me and I should have made him wait a while longer.

He is basically a lodger? Yes, he has moved into my home, my name is on the lease and for now that's how it stays ( I don't want to risk losing my home, it's too soon to put him on there ). We discussed a amount for him to pay each week which was based on him paying half the main bills and food. At the moment he is basically a lodger who thinks I'm going to wash and cook for him.

He promised me lots of things when he moved in but I am yet to see them, I don't know how long I should give him, he only moved in a few months ago, maybe I havnt given him enough time? Or maybe he has his feet firmly under the table and thinks I'm going to run around after him?

I don't expect him to baby sit my children when I run my own buisness, I just expect him to do his share of the house work if we are both working.

I will sit down and talk to him, I just don't want to sound unreasonable, am I asking too much to expect him to do more around the house? Am I being unreasonable to ask him to tidy up after himself? And am I being unreasonable wanting to spend more time with him?

(((Lovemusic)))

I think you have given him enough time. Tell him you want to protect the relationship and that he needs to move out. Explain that you want to get back to the fun and light-hearted stage of the relationship and not the sock-washing, money-worrying stage quite yet.

Oh so he comes home every night and does nothing!

Give him more time? Nooo

I think he is taking advantage of your kind nature!

You are not his priority!

You gave up your benefits when he has done nothing to help you replace them!

I'm assuming his super high earnings affect your entitlement to tax credits?

You really ought to move him out because he quite simply has told you what he thought you need to hear, meanwhile he gets someone to look after him and cheap living costs!

I would run from this man

You definitely need to discuss the finances with him. He should be making up the loss in benefits and income support plus still contribute to the bills. I'm not sure about the UK but over here you get a tax free carer allowance.

If your partner is not happy to increase his contribution to your household, then it might be best to ask him to leave, as you are not happy with the situation as it stands.

Fucking hell, how bad was your last relationship that you've ended up here?

How can you POSSIBLY need to ask if it's unreasonable for him to tidy up after himself?!!!!

Even if he was financially supporting you and you had no kids, you should have to clear up after him - but I can appreciate that you might (wrongly) have a wobble out housework being your contribution.

But come on love... He's costing you money. He's not pulling his wait.

Yet again you say "do you need to give it more time"?

Why? WHY? Why do you think he would get better and not worse?! Surely everyone is on their best behaviour at first? Why on earth would you think he's suddenly going to decide to make his own life harder by pulling his weight?

You weren't even sure and felt pressured to move him in. Wrong thing to do if you lived alone, really bad thing to do when you have kids!

You are wise to keep him off your tenancy, but honestly I don't think you should move someone in that you wouldn't happily add - it's just that you don't because it's always more sensible not to.

I am not in the least bit surprised that he was sofa surfing before. Did he move in with you for love, or convenience? I think you know.

He has only just started paying me a weekly sum, he asked me to work out what I needed him to pay and then suggested half the bills so I sat down and worked out half, I can't really ask him for more as that would mean him paying for my dc and they are my responsibility. I can't expect him to make up the difference in beniffits I am loosing as its a huge amount and why should he pay for me and the dc's. I can pay the bills with what I am getting but things are a lot tighter than they were when he wasn't here.

When he first moved in he used to come home from work, help me cook, wash up and would help me with the dc's. Now he's got stuck in a routine of getting home, me cooking, him doing what ever washing up I have left him ( hardly anything ), having a bath/shower then sitting on his ass until bed time. Weekends ( when he is here ) consists of him seeing his dc's sat with the same evening routine, Sunday my dc's go to their dads, we go food shopping, grab a bite to eat, pick my dc's back up and then back to the same routine.

I think I could get over the working away from time to time if I knew he was going to have a weeks off work at some point but it's not going to happen as he uses is holiday to work, he says this is going to change when he starts working for another company in a few months time but we shall see.

Oh from your previous posts I had gathered that he was only there a few hours a week as he works away. Now you say he is there almost every night! So that is a big difference.

The bottom line is you are not happy with the set-up. You need to tell him.

How long have you been going out??

"But we shall see".

Fucking hell I'm swearing at you through the phone - sorry!!

Why are you being so bloody passive?

No, you won't sit around and see because nothing will happen.

How about you actually ACT for what you want.

Of course it's acceptable for him to contribute more - he's your partner - he is COSTING you.

If he's not a partner, and true partner, you really shouldn't be living with him.

I will talk to him as soon as he gets home, I'm not sitting around hoping it will get better. I am just wondering if I am being a bit OTT? I have dropped several unsettle hints about the lack of helping out around the house.

Yes, he is here most evenings, as I said before he works a 9-5 job and then works away a couple times a month ( more in the summer ). I have probably been too soft on him, mainly because I want to be independent and I don't like asking for help, he's not a mind reader so unless I tell him I'm not happy with the situation then he's not going to see a problem. I am the one that decided the amount he would pay to me each week, maybe I should have asked for more? If I ask him for money he would give it too me, I just don't like asking, when we do go anywhere he always pays. Last week he looked after me when I was ill and did cook for the dc's so it's not all bad. I can't expect him to move in and pay all the bills but I know if I asked him too he would (I really don't want that ). All I want is for him to do a little bit more around the house so I can do my work from home and I would like him to spend a bit more time with me ( working away less and taking holiday ).

I have probably painted a bad picture of him as I am feeling fed up and he is not here ( I do miss him when he's not here ), I enjoy being with him, I just wish I could be with him more, I would rather have more time with him than money, I would rather he was more considerate and helped out more, that's more imprtant to me than what he earns.

All I wanted to gain from posting here is to know if I am being unreasonable asking him to work away less because I want to spend more time with him? And am I being up unreasonable for wanting him to do more around the house so I can work to pay for my dc's?

I didn't come on here to be told to walk away, how can I walk away when I havnt even talked to him about what's bothering me?

As to whether it's unreasonable to ask him to give up paid work that he enjoys to spend more time with you... no, not unreasonable to ask.
Also not unreasonable for him to say no.
And not unreasonable for you to say you want something different so goodbye and good luck, no hard feelings.

I wouldn't reduce my work for a boyfriend I hadn't been with for long.

I work away 5/14 nights. My fiancé would rather I didn't but he accrues it. His job means he works every Saturday so we can't take weekends away whenever we want. We both have a specific constraint related to our children.

For any of those reasons, either of us could reasonably call time. We choose not to, and it works for us.

You need to decide what works for you. And you definitely need to get on with you life and building your business instead of pining for him and cleaning up after him!

So he didn't offer the back rent then?

He has payed me back rent Cabrinha, and helped me out of a hole a few weeks ago ( I just don't like asking for money off of him ).

I don't expect him to give up his job but this isn't his main job it's just work on the side that he told me he had been doing due to being miserable with his life at the time ( was keeping busy and meant he had a nice bed to sleep in whilst earning extra money ), he says he is happy in the relationship, says he loves me so why would he need to continue to do the extra work? And as far as enjoying his work, he has been messaging me all day saying he is bored so he's hardly enjoying it. I do need to talk to him and I will when he gets home. And yes, I knew he worked away when I met him and as I said before 'I thought it would work quite well' but now we are living together it doesn't feel so great and it feels like he's a lodger that expects everything done for him whist he comes and goes as he pleases, this needs to change or it's not going to work.

Cabrinha, the OP wanted an opinion, read through your posts, you really don't need to kick someone into submission to get her to agree with you. She is not an idiot, she just fell into a position that she was not expecting.

OP. From what I see, you want to keep your independence and not feel dependent on his income but the truth is that the financial independence (housing benefit and cater allowance) you had was based on being a lone parent. For he promised to support you so you could start a business to make up for that loss income, I can understand why you are angry at him not helping more with the children, you are still a full time carer but on top of that you need to work hard to try to make up a fraction of the money you loose by him moving in.

I think that the first step is working out whether this business venture is feasible considering the amount of time it takes to care for a disabled child. It may simply not be possible, you will be getting too many distractions and will be too tired to do any significant work.

Be absolutely frank to him and tell him that it is not possible for you to make the amount you lost working from home and ask him if he would he be happy to pay for childcare or increase what he is paying in so you are not in poverty? (50/50 is far from fair considering what you have mentioned).

If he says no, or your pride doesn't let you ask for a fairer contribution from him. Remember that your welfare and that of your children come first, and if having this man around is putting you in financial hardship or under a lot of pressure to work two jobs (carer and business), it may be wise to consider that you cannot afford for him to live with you.

If this situation continues for longer, you are going to end it anyway, so it may help to have that frank conversation now and let him decide whether he wants to up his game or become a live out boyfriend (personally, the fact that he has spent more than a month sofa surfing when he has the income to rent a place, makes me think that he is not a man worth having around in the long or medium term, he is using his income as pocket money while running all your financial stability)

OP, I think you have gauged the situation clearly and are well within your rights to re-negotiate the arrangement (financial, live-in/out) now.

You don't have to wait for the new job. Do it now. If your dp is prepared to make changes, that will give him an incentive to make that happen earlier. He is somewhat taking the piss and you will get more respect if you call him out on it.

If he refuses to see your view point, that he is just using you. Better to know that now than later. I understand the pride you have about not asking for money, but he is taking advantage of that, whether consciously or subconsciously. For all you know, he might be wondering when the penny will drop for you.