Cold hard reality check!!

[lauraann137]

So me and my fella have been together two and a half years both had really messed up relationships in the past which has led us both into having trust issues, we agreed to be honest with each other and talk about our feeling which seemed to work ok, we had the occasional row which turned into a war a nasty things were said but we'd soon sort things out... anyway valentines day he purposed to me, said he is happy he loves me and that we shall draw a line in the past and make the best out of our future. Which was great I cried when he purposed I was so happy then yesturday we have a blazing row something minor which he managed to dredge up all arguments from the past also stating he didnt want tk purpose he felt obliged to he apposed last night today I'm sat there thinking and it suddenly hit me.... We are never going to get married ,,, we're never going to get through our issues our relationship is on a timer it's only a matter of time before one of gets sick of this. don't get me wrong relationship is great most of the time but when we argue god we argue, something feels different this time though :'(

You know what happens in my marriage when we argue? Bugger all because we've never felt to need to scream it out or even row. Neither of us feel the need to not back down because we're in a proper respectful grown up relationship. You almost seem proud that you 'don't back down' like its a good thing you shout back

I don't believe your child hasn't been exposed to these rows. They can feel scared from their bed.. It's common for mothers to say their kids are never in the house. Most of them are lying.

"the kids never see the arguments I won't allow that"
'Never see the arguments' - pah! Don't kid yourself that you're keeping it hidden. You're talking about screaming matches - kids wake up for them. Or hear them from another room. Of feel the bad atmosphere when they come home. Your know fine well that this is affecting your children as well as you.

"won't it be a case of the trust issues will resolve in time or was I right when I said it's just a matter of before one of us gives up"
Why would they resolve? Seriously, why? He doesn't trust you, he never will. Doesn't matter how trustworthy you are, this really is a case where it's not you, it's him. HE WILL NEVER TRUST YOU.

"But I really do love him"
So what? Love is nothing without trust and respect. Love withers and dies and turns to resentment and hate, without trust and respect.

You want to know something else? You live on a planet with 7 billion other people. So how come we always meet 'the one' for us? Pretty unlikely, statistically speaking, don't you think? Oh wait - it's because there isn't 'the one'. There are many potential partners out there, hundreds of thousands of them, hundreds of whom we'll meet at some point in our life. But while you're plodding away trying to make this no-hoper relationship work, you're not seeing any of these hundreds and they're not seeing you because you're 'taken'.

In short - you're looking for love, it is out there, you're not going to find it with him but you can find it elsewhere.

"I'm just hoping for the best in my relationship that's not so bad is it?"
Yes it is so bad when the relationship is as doomed as this one. It's delusional. And it's doubly bad when you inflict it on a child. gamerchick put it very well and very succinctly - "When we have kids we lose the right to stay in dysfunctional relationships"

It will affect DC, if he already thinks its okay to keep your DD off school to keep you in check he'll soon be quizzing her to find out what mummy is up to. Don't let her see you settle for this.

In my experience, women undergoing abuse often make a point of saying how they give as good as they get but I doubt their partners are posting on forums for advice.
I don't doubt that you are the best girlfriend he's had and he's made you feel jealous with that poster, that doesn't mean you have to stay with him, it's a hollow victory Lauraann.

You are being abused. He is VERY controlling - you have just become used to it.

You are like the frog in the pot of boiling water - you have only just realised you are in a shit situation, but you are still trying to normalise it because, well it is your normal.

Please get out.

OP you being a fool and I feel so sorry for your DD. Of course she is affected by living in this situation! How could she not be?

Stop and think - if your best friend told you her DP was acting like this, what would you say? It certainly wouldn't be 'oh well, just hope for the best' would it?

Take off those rose coloured specs and get rid.

Fuck sake
This relationship is O. V. E. R. He's an abusive wankstain who is making yours and your child's life a misery. If you stay in the hope that it will magically get better you are a fool who is putting her desperation for a boyfriend over her child's wellbeing.

This is not normal. He is very abusive, please don't marry him. Does this ring any bells?

Where does he fit on this chart?

Lauraann, this is an abusive relationship. I know you are hoping it will work out but believe me when I say it will get worse not better.
The arguments will get worse, the controlling behaviour will get worse, and your self esteem will be ground down into the dust.
He may well apologise and say he loves you, but when someone loves you they don't treat you like this.
You deserve better,your daughter deserves better. I know it is hard and scary to walk away from someone you thought you had a future with, but this relationship is poisonous. Please get out while you can.
Good luck x

""""Making the best of it"""""
Such a sad statement.
It won't make a happy home.

It's ok to make the "best of it" if you try a new recipe...... not with the rest of your life...and your kids lives.

There are no trust issues. None what so ever

This is a tactic which is unassailable as far as he's concerned. Whatever you do (including being locked in a room for weeks on end) won't make a difference to his "trust" in you.

This technique is purely used to ram home that you are worthless, not good enough and will have to keep striving harder and harder to "win" his approval.

On no occasion, not even if you were to kill a rabid bear with your bare hands to save his arse from certain death would he ever accept that you love him enough, or that you can be trusted with his own life.

This is because he hates himself and doesn't trust himself, he is an emotional black hole. Everything you pour in will be consumed yet more and more demanded.

When your efforts (and you've only been with him barely enough for them to start to show) are no longer enough he will hit you, kick you and beat you. He will tear you to shreds in front of your child.

He will hurt your child to hurt you.

Because they all do. To an abuser. This is their script.

You don't love him. You want to be loved, but don't love yourself enough to demand and expect love in return. This is probably as a result of your upbringing.

You can change this. It's hard work, but it's worth it. You are worth it and your child is worth it.

If you don't leave this man, your Dc will go on and repeat this relationship in their own life.

Bloody awesome post! I especially like emotional black hole.. Bag on.

Cheers gamerchick!

Hope the op finds it illuminating, and realises how pointless it is to hope it'll turn out any differently.

I spent 4 years learning that lesson.

Me too man, fingers crossed!

I really wish that you could upvote posts on here, because there's some fabulous ones in this thread!

How are you feeling today OP? You've gone very quiet.

I understand that none of us on here are in your exact position, so we don't experience what you perceive to be the 'good' parts to your relationship. Ultimately, we can only go on what you tell us. But, I'd like to point out that you wouldn't be on here confiding in us, if you felt like your relationship was normal.

This bloke of yours enjoys bouncing your feelings around like a rubber ball...

First he want's to get married.
Then you row about something and he withdraws it to hurt you.
Now he's extending it again.

Question:
What do you think is going to happen next in this sequence?

That's extremely manipulative, he doesn't get his own way so he tries to punish you for it by messing around with your emotions.

That poster on his wall is a joke. It was fine for him to have a poster of another woman above his bed - where he would have done most of his wanking by the way - but it's not fine for you to be alone in the house whilst he is away because he thinks that another man is going to shag you? He sounds tapped.

I asked you earlier: why would you want to marry that?

You have stated that you love him, so here's my next question: why do you love him, what about this bloke is worth all of that crap? Does he piss chocolate buttons?