MIL missing out on her granddaughter

[MrsOlaf78]

DD is 4 and SIL (DH's sister) has a daughter the same age - I'll call her Milly and also another younger daughter who I'll call Sophie. MIL looks after Milly and Sophie quite a lot during the week while SIL and her husband are at work. This has been the case since Milly was a baby and consequently MIL has a very close bond with Milly - she talks about her as if she's her own daughter.

The trouble is that for years we have felt that DD is consequently neglected by MIL. MIL is so busy being there for SIL's needs, she very rarely comes to visit DD. She doesn't even seem particularly interested in her. There is a sharp contrast with how she is with DD and how she is with Milly, even when they're all together and it is heartbreaking. She hugs and kisses Milly while DD looks on and she knows every detail of Milly's life but DD is like a stranger.

This has been going on for ages. DH is upset about it too We aren't asking much - just for MIL to redress the balance a bit and spend time with DD but she just doesn't seem interested. I find myself bigging up my own daughter to her - showing her certificates and preschool reports, almost like I'm trying to "sell" her to her own grandma! I get very little reaction. Whereas my mum just dotes on DD and can't see enough of her and consequently they have a lovely bond.

MIL has had a hard time lately with her sister being seriously ill in hospital but instead of getting a childminder SIL still expects her to run around taking Milly and Sophie here there and everywhere and looking after them at least twice a week. MIL does so without question and if we say anything she defends SIL and doesn't see anything remotely unreasonable in SIL's expectations and constantly makes excuses for her.

Yesterday it all came to a head, DH had previously talked to MIL about this and she'd agreed to come visit DD today but turned up very late because SIL needed her to babysit last minute. She didn't even apologise for being late. It was nearly DD's bedtime so she was tired and grumpy and had got upset earlier because grandma didn't turn up when she was going to and she'd painted a picture for her too. DH was fuming and had a go at MIL saying she spends too much time with Milly and DD is always getting fobbed off. MIL just said that she has to help if she's needed and acted as though we were being unreasonable! She doesn't seem to see what she's doing at al.

We hate being like this with MIL when she's going through a tough time, it feels horrible but at the same time it's so upsetting seeing DD getting treated like this all the time. It's sad that DD doesn't have that bond with her paternal grandma but trying to force the issue with MIL doesn't seem to work. SIL's needs will always be the priority. I just feel so low about it all, I had a great relationship with my grandparents and I just want DD to have the same and for her grandma to see how wonderful she is. Listening to her today, not caring at all how much she'd upset her granddaughter just broke my heart.

It's very common. My in laws make the bare minimum effort. I've stopped telling my children when we make plans with my DH's family to meet up because they're constantly cancelling on us. My DH's parents may regret it when they're older, their health fails and we're 'too busy' to take care of them.

It would always be difficult to get the balance right with all the grandchildren and grandparents. There will always be a side who appear to be to the forefront. We don't always know what they think, the ones we see as the favoured side.
I had tried to be fair with my parents and PiL. It did not work. One set lived closer, one set I could turn up and be welcome any time, the other set you practically had to make an appointment.
Now I am on the grandparent side as well as still a mum. I would like to see all grandchildren equally but one set don't like their ILs with just cause and don't want the babies to go there or even see them. The other set spend all their time with the other grandparents including all important dates. I cant get my DC, the parent of these DGC to see that I don't feel included in the childrens' lives. I have given up with invitations because if I get a response at all it will be that they are going or went to the other grandparents.
What is worse is that these parents of young children also have a child as a sibling, one sibling is fairly regularly seen, but the other is too busy with the PIL to even bother with the child sibling.
It goes all ways and there always seems to be someone who feels put out.

Have to agree with Narnia I would be keeping my DC as far away from this treatment as possible. In fact, this is one of the main reasons DH no longer speaks to his mother.

Exactly, the same situation in our family. I mean exactly. Upshot is our children are now teenagers/near adults who have little bond other than familial with their paternal grandmother. She's their grandmother, they love her as such, but she's made no effort to bond with them. There are older grandchildren who have a very close bond with her, I think she'd just had enough of babies when her youngest (my DH) had his children in his 30's.

You can't force it. I feel sad, since our children have pre-deceased grandfathers, that their paternal grandmother should have paid so little interest, but it is what it is. Interestingly she always talks of our children to third parties with such pride, just can't seem to really love them. Shame.