What have i done wrong in life?

[Janeyat867]

Been with H for a year, before we married various things happened which I had forgiven, chatting to OW on FB i had no idea what the conversations were about but I just dismissed it as speaking to old friends, I then saw messages with little snippets left, ranging from things like 'why don't we speak anymore' to 'she might not be the one' not just to OW but his mates too. I put it down to work stress, we have always argued over his working too he was literally at work all day and night. I also found him looking at ridiculous amounts of porn just after we married, and looking at escorts, female,and trans. He said he was just looking, I was and still am lost by that. I recently found out 1 of those OW he chatted to is actually an escort I saw her on these sites he was on. After many upsets and arguments he never stopped looking at porn it was getting really out of hand as he never wanted me. Even now I've got no self confidence I hate my appearance. I feel at a loss because our relationship is terrible I can't forgive anything and I hold onto everything. How do I move on from this? As far as I know he hasn't spoken to any OW for years now...

Lots of past threads have just done a search

Janeyat867

You need to really leave this person - find the strength to do it

Janey -

A lot of us have been conditioned to feel powerless to change our circumstances; to focus on others far more than on ourselves.

But you can break through this, and take the steps to leave, and to heal.

What is a first step you think you could take?

what do you actually get out of this relationship?

Please don't waste your life on this person, you deserve mutual respect, love and intimacy, not this poor excuse for a relationship. Your confidence is so low right now, but one thing's for certain, it's not going to get any better with him.

I'm sorry about the posts I'm just so confused I'm sitting in tears here tonight he's gone to work and has said I'm not trying I'm horrible and look at him with disgust and I'm not a nice person. I can't stop crying, I don't understand where I went wrong I feel like I live with a complete stranger. I don't know him. We hardly see each other I'm at work then he is etc. I can't bare to say anything to him, we don't act like a normal couple . There's so much that I just think why did I not leave when we didn't have DC or were married, why am I so weak? There was a time we had a huge row and he told his family I was slagging them off so they all hate me instead of sticking up for his wife and making our lives easy he made up huge lies to make visits etc unbearable and uncomfortable for me. I'm so down and so upset.

Why do I get the blame? He apologises a lot for his actions but it's always I need to move on? I need to be more loving? He said he won't touch me or kiss me if I don't change the way I act and look at him? It feels like I'm always the 1 to blame, if I look back it's always been like that.

I'm sorry for rambling on I'm just at rock bottom here he sent me a huge
Message last night saying he's made stupid mistakes and he thinks I resent him and hate him and he can't talk to me because I'm so hostile and angry and down and that he's really sorry and doesnt want to lose me? I agree I probably am resentful but how can I move on and be happy if he won't talk? I feel like our lives have been a lie and that he was clearly obsessed with this escort person I saw various searches with that name. I feel broken and unwanted I really don't know how to fix this? Is anyone there?

janey I am here.

I do feel sorry for you, but the reason you aren't getting responses to your posts is that people get a bit fed up of typing out well meaning advice and seeing it ignored.

You have started so many posts about this man and your dreadful relationship. The advice has always been the same - LTB.

Your question is always variations on a theme of "What have I done and how can I fix it?"

The only way to fix it is to LTB. The only thing you have done that has led you to where you are is to stay in this awful relationship.

I really don't want to put you off posting as I would like to think people can help you and that eventually you will take everything said on board and will "see the light." I know it can take a while to accept that the man you thought you loved doesn't exist and that however many hoops you jump through, it will never change anything.

Have you done the Freedom Programme?

Whether or not he's an abuser, it's a good way to get our thoughts focused about what we want and what we deserve (and don't deserve). In short, it sorts your head out (in record time).