*Sensitive* Sexual abuse in Children , how can I help my Son?

[mumgointhroughtorture]

Before I start please don't judge me , I've beaten myself up for nearly 4 years :
In 2012 my children were taken into foster care due to sexual behaviour between them . A lot of grey area surrounding this because I've never been able to find out exactly what happened. I lost the children to long term foster care after my ex partner took it to court straight away.

The relationship was full of emotional abuse and around the time the kids went I found out my sons Dad had been arrested for abusing his then girlfriends little girl.
SS nor the police had informed me of this.
My Son had been seeing his Dad sporadically but SS have never even looked into the abuse being from him . They have always looked at me and my ex partner (my Daughter's bio Father) being the cause of this. They spent £10,000 on psychology reports and the children said nothing .

I split with my ex partner during the court proceedings due to SS and child protection absolutely hating him. My barrister in court said she had never seen a parent hated by SS as much as him .
So in court the order was agreed on the basis that the children were found a forever home together and are not moved about placements. This was Feb 2013 and October 2013 the children were found their forever home in another county which forced them to move schools.

They settled well and my Son especially formed a good attachment. I was happy because my kids were happy.
They started therapy and I thought life was heading the right way for me to get them home. The Social Worker was even agreeing to support me with a supervision order to get them home because by this time my ex partner was in a new rship with a woman from across the world. I was working and I was in a good place .

In April 2015 I had a call from the Sw the children had been moved due to matters with the foster carers , nothing to do with the children. They stayed local to their schools. My Son , was nearly 11 and it broke his heart to leave the previous carers. He was happy and settled.
So they moved to the carer my Daughter is still with now .

In July 2015 I got another call , my Daughter had made sexual allegations against my son again and he had been moved back to our home town and was starting high school 3 miles away. The children were split up for the first time in their lives. They see each other with me 6 times a year , every 2 months ! The carer denies this happened.
So from July to Oct he was local .

Then in Oct I got a call he had been moved again because he made their teenage daughter uncomfortable , hovering outside her door . This was all I was told.
He was moved still local to his school in our town in with a female couple who had 2 other foster boys in the placement and I was told this couple had experience with sexual behaviour and he would be fine with them. The one woman was a police officer!

A week into the New Year and my Daughters Dad's girlfriend msgs me to tell me my Ex had been chsrged for child pornography in her home country and was in prison ! So now not only is my sons dad a Paedo but now my Daughters Dad too ! Social Services were already convinced he had abused my son and now all this is coming to light .

Ive only just started to come to terms with that and now today I am called again by the Sw an allegation has been made over the weekend against my son by a child in placement and he's been moved again 20 miles away! During the call I again am asking her why he isn't getting any help and she tells me it's my son's choice to do these things and no matter how much help some people get it won't stop them !

He's coming 12 in June and the amount of times he's been involved with the Police over these matters it's only a matter of time until they arrest him and I'm actually scared shitless for him . He's not a monster , he's a very confused and lonely lad who is desperate to be loved. That's all he wants . He is desperate to come home to me. Social Services know this but obviously can't whilst this is going on. He can't trust anyone coz as soon as he starts to get to know a family , he does something to mess this up . Social Services tell me as little as they possibly can and my head is upside down . I'm completely numb from emotion.

This isn't my world . I wasn't bought up around sex and yet I chose 2 men who are capable of this . My Son has never told anyone what has happened to him apart from that my Daughters Dad ruined him but won't elaborate apparently.

So , where do I go to help my Son. The SW isn't really interested in helping him . She said she will go back for funding once he's settled but when will this be , who knows ? I am really scared he's gonna end up in some institute or worse prison when all he needs is someone to listen to him. I rang NSPCC today but they can't help. Ive put in a complaint against SS but where now ?I'm going to try my MP in the morning! He was taken from me to protect him and yet this is still happening? !!

You seem to be living up to your name, quickly, as it seems to have escaped your attention that, having already condemned herself, this OP needs help and there's no place for the judgement of the uninformed here.

They didn't like him due to his temper with them . they were even shocked that the sexual stuff has come about with regards to him. They gave him exactly the same contact as me and if they thought he was a threat at the time they wouldn't have given him community contact too. He would've been made to stay in the contact centre.

They have always said he was very passionate about the kids . SS allowed him to remain my sons "Dad" as he bought him up from 18 months. There was never any accusations from ss that he had done anything to the kids , no one could understand where the behaviour had come from.

They hated him purely coz of his attitude and they said he had no respect for women which they have told me in their view my son did this to his sister because he saw Dad being verbally abusive to me so he thought men were boss and at first with the sexual behaviour the children were taken to stop my Son thinking that women are underneath men in the higher archy of life and my Daughter learning that women are meant to be spoken to like that and are here to obey men !

I thought back then I was doing the right thing staying with him. We didn't live together permanently , he rented a room locally and when his abuse became too much I would tell him to leave. I wasn't scared of him and SS are fully aware of this and the children have told them it was verbal not physical .

Thank you Goddess for the support. So few people realise what goes on within social services. I go to my counsellor and she sits open mouthed . The things that have been put into my kids heads is absurd. the things they are allowed to get away with saying to them is emotional abuse in itself ! When your 5 year old little girl comes to u and asks u if it's coz u don't want her that's why she can't come home and you aren't allowed to be honest with your own child because of the consequences. My kids think I actually WANT them where they are coz I'm not allowed to tell them otherwise.

I had my son sobbing the week before Xmas coz his sister failed to turn upto contact and I'm in a small room with a worker writing notes on a laptop and I froze all I could do was hug him and tell him how much I love him and I'm gonna sort it all out. I was scared to say anything that could be used against me. Scared to make a bad situation worse.

I had my children rubbing kisses away when I kissed them and my son just hummed when I told him I loved him at the start coz in their eyes if I loved them I would want them home !
They kept my family from the kids for a whole year coz they only gave them once a year contact. when my kids absolutely idolise their Nan and Grandad. They used to see them 4 times a week at least and for a whole year nothing . Then my ex told my son to ask to see them and he went home and straight away told them he wanted to see his family and now they get as much contact as me.

Social Services are meant to help children and in some cases maybe they do but in my case they ripped apart a loving family. I know I have told them too , I would rather this have happened than my kids carry on what was happening to them , whatever went on but they didn't have to do this.

My social worker said recently her plan was to seperate my contact so that I see the kids 1.5 hours each and then they had sibling contact on their own without me ! and the Independent officer said he didn't believe that was in the best interests of the children. How can it? all that would've done is break our already smashed bond into even more pieces . Luckily she changed her mind.

I will never win mother of the year , I've made a hell of a lot of mistakes and I would never want to keep my kids in danger , be it with each other or anyone else so in one way it has been a good thing but my God I wish there had been a different way to go about all this .

Much as we may want answers to our questions NOW, in matters of this nature it's often the case that the truth does not emerge immediately and it may take a number of revelations over a period of some years before the whole picture becomes clear.

How did SS first become involved, OP? Did you alert them or were they notified by school or health professionals that your dc were at risk?

My kids think I actually WANT them where they are coz I'm not allowed to tell them otherwise

This is heartbreaking, but it's not uncommon for parents to be put under cruel and unnatural constraints by SS that have them scared to offer any reassurance to their dc for fear that their contact will be stopped.

You are in the Kafka-esque world of children's social work departments where you're damned if you and damned if you don't, OP, and all the time you are waiting for the sword of Damocles that will stop you having any contact with your dc to fall on your head.

It takes a very brave individual to challenge an institution where back-covering and the rewriting of history to cover incompetence is frequently the order of the day.

My son told a teacher during reading a book that he was having sex with his sister. They informed SS and the next day they came with child protection. The kids were taken from school and moved 15 miles away where they stayed for 18 months. The carer wasn't of our race and my daughter especially didn't like the different parenting whereas my Son thrived on the discipline she set .

My daughter is a pleasure to have whereas my Son has always been difficult even as a toddler. He's never mixed well and was always the child where if there was gonna be anyone in trouble his name was gonna be called. In the street he was the child to be picked on and always the one other children blamed . I didn't put him in the local school for this reason because I didn't want him having bullies in the street picking on him at home and school.
When he got to year 3 his behaviour got worse and I was in school regularly trying to get him help . I was begging for support with him . His teacher agreed something wasn't quite right. His wife was a special needs teacher and he said he was gonna have a chat with her but in the meantime they used You tube to bribe him to do work . Which SS tried to use against me when it wasn't me doing it !!

My daughter was the other end of the scale . She got star of the week the week she started reception , the first child in her year to get it and she was loving school . I had one who was holding onto railings to stop having to go to school and the other jumping into class.

I made an appointment eventually to try to get help and a lady come out to visit to try to get my son help and then the week after they finished her job . Then she turned up as a contact worker and she walked in the room and she was just astounded. She said I can not believe this, no way should these children be here . and I've had this said throughout. I had one worker tell me how she thoroughly enjoyed our contacts and I always did my best for the kids.
I now take my own photos coz they kept losing the photos I took on the centres camera. Our authority have a blanket ban now on taking photos. You have to use their camera and I complained so much after one Sw laminated photos . Then they were getting lost regularly that now I am allowed to take my own camera.

Y'know everyone should treasure their children ... regularly I have memory statuses come up on Facebook where I am moaning that I've had a tough day with the kids and can't wait for bedtime . But I would give anything to be able to moan about having a hard day with my kids now. Coz without them my days are empty not hard !

You are so right. In 4 years I have played their game. Ive smiled nicely. Ive kept the knife in my back as I'm talking to them. I've bloody bent over backwards to keep the social worker sweet so I remain a constant in my kids lives. But when my Princess tells me this woman has told her things NO 7 year old should be told I saw red and I ended up in a shouting Match with the Sw over the phone and she is trying to now use that against me . You can't win with these people. My children have been sold off in a system where they are worth money. Less than if they were adopted though.
Society doesn't believe this is happening but it is.
My children's previous foster carers who were basically sacked by SS after the children were moved I rang her and she said she didn't like the Sw and she put in no end of complaints against her. This I think is a reasoning behind why the children were moved. We as parents don't see all that coz we aren't told . The carer said they were actually glad to not have to deal with ss anymore .
This couple loved my children. It wasn't a job to them , they wholeheartedly enjoyed having them in their lives. The children started calling them Mum and Dad and my friends couldn't understand how I allowed that but in my heart if my kids are able to do that then they are with good people and my kids are genuinely happy and as a Mum that's all I want for them .

The fact remains though that I'm walking on eggshells for the foreseeable future .

It won't be any consolation to you, OP, but I can assure you that your story is not uncommon and I have no cause for doubt as I have seen it played out countless times with other families.

There will always be parents who are, to put it bluntly, beyond redemption, but there are many for whom investing a part, or all, of the c£40,000 per year it costs to keep one child in foster care into equipping them with the skills to parent responsibly and appropriately will not only ease the burden on the taxpayer of the £2.5+billion that is spent every year on keeping children in care, but will also reduce exponentially the demand on the overstetched prison and mental health services.

I will ponder your post overnight and come back later today with what I hope will be helpful suggestions as to the best way forward. In the meantime I suggest you put your MP on ice for the moment and make contact with the Family Rights group this morning.

Brilliant . Thank you very much. I was worried about posting on here coz of the backlash and I'm quite aware of what people think of us Mums who have our kids took off us. I've been judged for 4 years . I don't tell strangers normally my situation , I tell them it was due to domestic violence coz I don't want my kids looked at as "those children who were abused".I actually had blanked out until tonight that my children had. Whilst on the phone to NSPCC and she gave me the address for MOSAC and then told me what it stood for , it hit me , my children have been sexually abused. All this time I haven't accepted it but I guess these behaviours sadly point to this being the case.
Whether it was my Sons bio Dad or My Daughter's remains to be verified.

I will definitely get in touch with them in the morning. Goodnight zzz