I think me and DP have just split up

[JoanneCofton]

Been together over 6 years, have a ds who just turned 3... Neither of us have been happy for a long time so isn't a complete shock but still can't believe it. Can't stop feeling I've let my beautuf ds down, he adores his daddy. We moved here to be closer to dp's family when his mum was really ill, been here for 5 years now. I have a job and a few friends but no real support system. My family live a few hours away, so it's going to be a big move back but can't stay here. I don't know anyone except DP really and my job is just a dead end job with no prospects. My DS loves his nursery though :(

Can't believe I am going to be a single mum and will be moving back in with my mum. Not what I thought my life would be.

Sorry if I'm rambling, I just don't know who to talk to

Excuse the typos

What happened?

Nothing too dramatic, we have been drifting apart for a long time but things just came to a head tonight. We started talking about 'us' and how we are both unhappy and agreed that maybe we aren't meant for each other. We've had this conversation so many times and agrees to have one final try but it never lasts. He is a good man and I love him, I just don't think that's enough anymore. He started crying so left the room to compose himself. That was a hour ago and I can hear him down stairs. I would rather it ends like this on a relatively good note then to it escalate and it start to impact ds. I just feel so sorry for him though, what kind of like is he going to have now being shuttled back and forward every weekend/Xmas/ birthday :(
We can't go on like this though, we don't make each other happy anymore

You sound like you're being very sensible, both of you. Your son will come through this, especially if you and his dad pull together to make sure he has a good relationship with you both. He is young, it's a good time to move if you're going to. He will like his new nursery and you have the opportunity to get a better job and a better relationship. It's scary now but hopefully will make your future better.

I think you are both very brave and it sounds as though you will both work hard to ease the transition for your DS.

Thanks Honey. Ye you're right, my number one aim will be to make sure his relationship with his dad doesn't suffer and I will do anything to make sure he sees his dad as often as he can.

I feel embarrassed as well, which I know is stupid. How do I tell my mum? And what about his family. I had dinner with his mum yesterday. Do I ring/text her? U haven't seen his dad in a few weeks but she's always been good to me, I might never see him again :(

I think I just need to be brave and face forward. It is for the best but you are right, it is scary And I'm not sure what I am going to do

Thanks Clara I am crying now, feels I stupid.

Ps sorry for all the self-pitying talk, i don't want to disturb anyone in RL at this time of night

I think it sounds like you'll all be OK and it's workable. You're in shock now, but if you can remain on good terms it'll sort itself out and your DS will be fine.

Sometimes people's lives really don't go on the path they ever thought, but in the great scheme of things, although not ideal, you do have somewhere safe and loving to go and it's better than both you and yourP being unhappy living together.

It'll get better

Just saw your last messages OP.

Talk to your inlaws/DS's GPs and just be honest, say it's very sad but you both can't be partners any more. That doesn't change your feelings for them or their position as GPs. It's very positive that there's no acrimonious feelings.

You're not self pitying, it's good to get it off your chest and get a little support x

You're not stupid, it's nothing to be ashamed of, you've not done anything wrong. Nobody should think badly of you. Of course you're upset, it's sad and I'm sure you both had great hopes once upon a time.

Personally I'd let him tell his own parents, but perhaps send them a card saying you've always thought a lot of them and hope that you can all find a way to remain friends and work together so that your son still has a lovely family and you still have them as friends, although you don't want to hurt your ex or tread on any toes. Them see what they come back with.

You're not self-pitying. You're remarkably composed. Crying is fine too. You are very sensible, and although it will feel awful at first and then at odd times in the future, you and your ds will be fine. Good luck.

It must be very hard for you OP. Me and my ex dp had a similar situation nearly 5 years ago, we are still separated but are on good terms (mostly). It hasn't been easy but is definitely better than the alternative of constant digging and picking at each other. Well done for making such a tough decision and go easy on yourself

You say you love him so can I ask why it is that you are both so unhappy?

Thanks everyone, I'm sat here in tears thinking about the future. Have no idea in regards to the practicalities, but I know I need to stay strong and focused. I think it hasn't sunk in yet because we've had this conversation a few times but nothing has ever really come of it, but this time it feels final. Right now I just want to go in and hug him and say it's all ok, but earlier today when there was a horrible, depressing atmosphere because we both couldn't stand to talk to each other, I wanted to scream at him so I just need to hang on to all the horrible moments we've had recently and remember we are doing this for the right reasons.

I have a stepson as well who is due to turn 10 on Sunday, we've got tickets for a local attraction and he has been looking forward to it for months. What do I do about this? I think I should go for dss but maybe I'm not thinking straight? My family have already got him cards/presents. I really don't want his birthday to be ruined. And I am going to miss him, I have been in his life since he was small, I'm barely going to see him now. Aggghh, this is horrible. Feel like absolute shit

Just seen your message Millliii. There's a few things so I'll bullet point them or I'll end up rambling

-he rubbish with money, he has debt up to his eyeballs and won't discuss it. I feel we'll never get anywhere in life (mortgage, good schools etc) unless he starts facing up to what he owes but we are 6 years in and nothing has changed
-I feel he can be very critical of me, especially in front of others
-we have barely had sex in months, and the last time we did it I cried afterwards as there was just nothing there
-we simply annoy each other. Every thing he says to me I take as a
Verbal attach and vice versa.

He is a good man and no one makes me laugh like he does but everytime we have this conversation, I sit and think of all the good times we've had, and how much it would disrupt our lives and I stay. and we make promises that it will all change but nothing does no mater how hard we try. Or maybe we are just kidding ourselves.

The basic point is I don't want us hating each other and I just can't see us spending the rest of our lives together. I just can't imagine it, which isn't normal after being with someone for almost 7 years, having kids, getting engaged etc

You need to have a chat with your stbx about your stepson and his birthday. Personally I would definitely go and let him have his day out with you all, and let him have his presents from family as normal. It's not as though you're going to be packed up and moved out by then anyway, is it? See what his dad thinks?

You poor thing, it's such a shame when things come to this point.

I would say, make the best of it for your DSS's birthday, even though you think this is the final blow for your relationship, it's not that different from before in terms of how you feel, is it? So carry on keeping the "good face" on it until after your DSS's birthday and then go to your Mum's.

I can understand your POV - your list in your last post would say to me that "this is over" as well. Actually the first one would have driven me demented LONG ago, but that's me.

It probably is just as well to break things up now before they get to a point where you actively hate each other; just hang on for a few more days, but make your plans now so that you can go afterwards, don't let yourself lapse back into apathy again.

Who knows, if you do actually go, it might wake him up to himself and he might do something about the finances, which might make all the difference (but then again, might not).

Have you tried some counselling? Its surprising how talking to someone else can help you both to relearn ways to communicate. I would imagine from what you have said that when its good its very good. Counselling could help you improve things and show you both how to say things in a way that is constructive rather than destructive.

Ye I'll speak to him in the morning about it. I think I will go as normal. I want him to have a good day. Maybe I could stay in a hotel over the werkend when dss gets here as there will be no empty beds and I don't fancy settee. I've just remembered Wevr got a holiday booked for May, just a caravan but the kids were looking forward to it. I'll have to see how to work that one out

I'm supposed to be in work tomorrow at 6, not sure what to do. I haven't been very well over the past few months so have had a lot of time off so don't want to take the piss but I suppose that won't make a difference anymore... I'll just see how I am in the morning.

I'm going go to bed now, thanks for all your kind words. I'll let you know how I get on

Also agree with Thumb breaking up or separating will show you both how life would be going solo. It may cause both of you to want to make changes (especially his debs) to get to a point where you may want to be together again.

debts

I know how daunting and huge it feels, but I promise it will be fine. Take one step at a time and take care of yourself! Imagine it as just another turning point in your life. Hope you sort something out with your DSS and in laws.

I second Thumb and Millliii.

You don't mention whether you've ever tried couples' counselling, but it might be worth a try if you still love him and because of the children (apologies if you've been through all this before and I don't want to make you feel guilty). If you've had several "final tries" and nothing has changed, then of course this time it has to be different. I think the options you have are:

1. Have couples' counselling, to give both of you a different perspective on the other's point of view, and to get an experienced stranger's perspective of the overall situation
2. Leave with the option of going back if he changes his ways (but perhaps only give him one chance at this so as not to unsettle the children too much)
3. Leave, full stop

It is horrible when it gets to that point. We had a long phase like that a couple of years ago (snappiness, backbiting, sarcasm, money problems, being on a completely different page, basically just increasingly disliking each other over the course of at least a year) but it turned out my DH was ill, and it was affecting his mood, which had obviously made me want to retaliate, so it escalated. He got better, and so did we, thank God on both counts. Not relevant to you, probably, but just to say I was considering all the above options at the time, though never got as far as doing any of them.

Perhaps another poster may have tried counselling and can say whether it helped? It may cost money, it was £50 in our area at the time.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It does sound very hard.

Please do not worry about your son's nursery, he is young and will adjust; of course nursery would naturally end for him in a year or so anyway.

Your dp seems to have some real issues which he is not addressing. The critical attitude would be awful for me and so would the debts etc.

I would not worry how to tell people, if it is definite just say you have split up. If you ever get back together again you can just say that. If you want to hedge your bets you could say you were having some time apart.

I agree you should not tell your step son until after his birthday, which may mean you need to wait to tell your son.

You clearly care a lot for your dp and your step son so this must be very hard.

If your dp addressed the critical attitude and the debts etc, would you want to start again with him?

I do wonder if some aspects of our life may be making you miserable in addition to your dh. For example, you are far away from your parents. You mentioned 'I have a job and a few friends but no real support system', and 'my job is just a dead end job with no prospects'. You said of yourself 'self-pitying talk' (which is not the case at all).

You also mentioned 'a horrible, depressing atmosphere', 'I wanted to scream at him so I just need to hang on to all the horrible moments we've had recently and remember we are doing this for the right reasons'. You also said 'I haven't been very well over the past few months so have had a lot of time off.'

Is it possible you may be suffering from a little depression, or low mood, or post natal depression? Or just general disillusion with life? I am not meaning the other aspects of your life are 'worse' than your dp, or 'as bad as' your dp. I just mean you may need to change more than just leave your do to feel a sense of peace and well being.

You said your job is not very rewarding. Could it be a help to find a better job, one which stretches you?

Is there any chance you and your stbex might move to a location between your parents and his, or would that be the worst combination? Or perhaps having had some time near his parents it would be time for you both to start again near your parents if he can address these areas of his life that are such a problem?

I am not trying to persuade you to stay, i would not do that, I am just wondering if you have weighed it all up and think leaving him will make it all right! A separation from him may make you feel you have more answers and more understanding about what is not working in your life.

I wonder if you have tried counselling? There is sometimes free counselling available and certainly there are charities working with people in debt, to help people get debt free.

I think it is possible that moving out and away may be the shake up your dp needs, or maybe he will just continue in his ways and you will part for good and start a new phase of your life.

Whatever happens, please do address these other areas, work and friends, support network etc. These will all contribute to your general well being.

Trust your instincts but be open to new things and I wish you all the very best.