Really fucking depressed after relationship counselling

[pablothepenguin]

First proper session after assessment, both by myself. I think a fair summary would be that I am too compliant and he's a bit controlling so it's a terrible combination but we could both work on those things.

I don't know why I'm so depressed apart from I'm really bloody depressed anyway. I just can't face the working together. I feel really overwhelmed.

She suggests seeing us both by ourselves and then together. And it might help to talk about my childhood. I absolutely do not want to do that.

I don't know what I expected. If I wanted to hear LTB I could have posted here for free! It's just so daunting. I feel sick.

Is it always this difficult at the beginning?

The relative wasn't in counselling. Was trying to sort things alone. So no therapy wasn't to blame, thinking and talking about things was. Maybe I'm underestimating how counselling can help you through things.

I think part of why I felt upset after the session is because I had thought I could focus on the relationship, not me. I didn't set out to explore my issues. I can see how maybe they can't be separated. Just hadnt planned on it.

I worry it would jeopardise the very good relationship I have now with one of my parents if I think about what they did then.

Its difficult to think about being honest with the counsellor when I know she will talk to my DH too, and to us together.

It's much easier to figure things out here. I'm going to have to try say some of this to the counsellor. I don't think I talked about how I felt at all.

I'm sure I went through something similar pablo. Do you think it's because deep down you don't want to fix things, or don't think the problem lies with you? A counsellor's tendency to work towards fixing the relationship, and find ways in which both parties can make changes to make this possible, can just end up feeling like yet another way in which you are being required to bend against your will in the relationship to make it work.

My ex still talks about us both changing and evolving so that we can make our relationship work, whereas I have realised I have a very powerful aversion to that because at a core level I just don't want to be with him any more. I find him toxic to my happiness and sense of freedom. I most definitely still have issues with my childhood (aggressive and alcoholic step father) but they are mine to work through at my own pace and I don't think are related to my inability to have a relationship with a very difficult man.

(All just my experience of course and may not be relevant to you.)

I think it's really relevant Teapot. Thanks yet again for sharing your experience. I'm feeling both those things.

Things are complicated because we have made a huge life change because I'd had enough. It makes it very difficult to separate. I believe he can change. I believe people in general can change. At the minute he is behaving differently to stop me leaving, missing the point. I just can't work out whether changing now is enough. I don't know whether I can feel good about him and us again. Actually saying that makes me see that counselling could be useful.

You have my sympathies re your stepdad. My dad is an alcoholic, it's not an easy thing to deal with.