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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Any night workers can explain this sleep pattern please? At end of tether.

5 replies

nightwidow · 31/12/2006 11:27

DH has been on permanent nights for 17 years. He works 4 out of 7 but with no pattern, although he tends to get 3 nights off in a row.

He says he only needs 5 hours sleep and over the years he has managed on less, but now he's going the other way. For the last few months, following the last working night he has slept all day, got up at 6pm, eaten a meal someone else has cooked and then fallen asleep in front of the TV between 7- 8pm. He will then sleep until after I've gone to bed, wake up refreshed and sit up until 3am before going to bed. Meantime I wake up several times because he isn't there, then he wakes me up coming up to bed. We don't have a spare room or I'd insist he sleep elsewhere.

The next 2 nights when he is at home will be the same story. He's home all day. I get in from work at 5pm and either end up making dinner or one of the kids does it. He eats, then off to sleep. To make it worse he snores badly so it isn't pleasant for the rest of us. So I get 4 evenings alone while he's at work, followed by 3 evenings alone with him snoring on the settee. When I complained, his response was that the TV was boring! There is so much needs doing in this house there is no need for anyone to be bored. I also took offence at his implication that my company is so boring he'd rather be asleep. I've been on the verge of walking out so many times because this situation is really getting to me. I understand that night work takes its toll and isn't the same but he can't (or won't) do anything else. To my mind falling asleep at the time you would normally be going to work makes no sense at all.

OP posts:
3Ddonut · 31/12/2006 11:38

I work nights and sleep when I can! I try to get a couple of hours together and then stay up (if I'm off the next night) so that I fall asleep at the right time. If I'm working the next night I try to sleep all day (as you would sleep all night if you worked days) I have only done 4 in a row once, I do 12 hour shifts 3 a week now. It's really hard going, but if he's always managed in the past, I'd wonder about another cause, is he well? Is he stressed? Sometimes, you just get yourself into these funny patterns and find it hard to get back to normal. Can you try to identify him a routine to keep him up?

btw, my Dad has worked nights on and off for about 30 years now and he is terrible now, quite like your dh, he looks tired all the time, I think it's his age, he's ready to retire... not suggesting your dh is, but maybe it's just all catching up with him....Good luck, it's no fun for anyone!

nothercules · 31/12/2006 11:48

Dh has worked nights for the last 3 years now. He has weekends off usually. His sleep pattern is screwed up completely. On days off he never sleeps for a long stretch but in bits like your dh. He is not able to regulate himself so even if he sleeps during the day, he still sleeps a bit a night and is also up a lot during the night.
THere seems to be no sense to it.
He just seems to have lost normal sleep patterns.

DH is far from lazy at home but is not able to contribute equally due to all this and tbh I dont expect him to as I know the toll it takes.

nightwidow · 31/12/2006 12:42

Oh dear- sounds like this is normal then. He has always been well but ended up in A&E a few weeks ago with chest pains that gave him a real scare. Unfortunately he seems to have forgotten how scared he was and despite everyone telling him to take it as a warning has made no effort to change anything.

A particular bugbear is that they changed the contracts last year so he now works an extra hour in the morning, and that on a Sunday he often goes in early. One of the other managers started this early start but now DH does it more often than not. Normal start is 8pm but Sunday (for him) is 5 or 5.30. So he gets home at 10am on Sunday and goes back out at 4.30pm. I'm pretty sure this is illegal- it says so on the ACAS website- but he says they haven't signed up to the Working Time Directive so it's OK. From his violent reaction to my saying it was illegal I'm sure he isn't being made to do it but is choosing to, again leading me to believe he'd rather be at work than at home.

Things are coming to a head because I am very pregnant. I usually do everything but now I need looking after and he's always asleep or not here. If something doesn't change pretty soon I can see he won't be here permanently

OP posts:
3Ddonut · 31/12/2006 20:11

Sorry to hear that things are so bad, is he due any paternity leave? I assume he'll take some holidays when baby arrives? Maybe it'll be a chance to sort himself out. have you got older children as well? Is any one else on hand to help you out?

nightwidow · 01/01/2007 10:55

He's only going to take a week off for the baby. My mum will come after that. I have got teenage boys at home- for which I'm eternally grateful- who at least can cook and carry, but it's no help if DH pops his clogs.

OP posts:
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