Do I tell his partner?

[Conversation16]

I have recently come out of a 9 month long affair with a man who was living with another woman. It ended with her telephoning me, telling me that she knew I was phoning him, that they were planning to get married and I should leave him alone.
In fact, we had been talking daily, and had met up, and slept together, several times.
On the phone I acknowledged that I had been phoning him, but nothing more. The relationship with him has ended.
I am now (and I realise that it's 9 months too late) wondering what the 'right' or 'best' thing to do is in relation to telling his partner. Is it helpful/ hurtful for her to know that he had been sleeping with me, and intensely involved with me, in light of their marriage plans (which I knew nothing about)? Is the least harm I can do just to back right away?
Not expecting any understanding for the relationship, and prepared (I think) for anything thrown at me, but also genuinely want to know if people think I should tell this women an important part of her partners very recent past.

No.

She knows he cheated and is presumably dealing with it in her own way - emotional affairs are as painful as sexual ones so the details will make not a jot of difference IMO. What matters here is that HE lied to her - if he told her the facts it would be significant, because HE was being honest. Your honesty matters not at all.

A BS should always be told of an ongoing affair IMO and when supposedly ended affair is continuing in any way, but once it's over... no point.

I am aghast at that idea, Irian.

That means that anyone can have myriad affairs and, as each one ends, it becomes null and void! The cheat can never be questioned about it brought to book, so to speak!

Irian the details will make a jot of difference if she has caught an std from him. If he has been having sex with the op he could have been shagging others too (and of course so could the op). Condoms don't protect from all infections either.

Surely everyone would want to know if their partners have been putting their cocks into other women so they can decide how to proceed.

here's the thing, he will do it again, and in 8 years time she will regret having married him maybe

its a tough one and are your motives honest or not? can leopards change their spots

I don't know!

I'd email HIM, and ask him to tell her the whole story or you will.

Now? No I wouldn't tell her. The only thing you would achieve is to reopen a lot of wounds that gave (hopefully) started to heal.

Hold on... Do you mean that he is still
With his partner and they are planning to get married??

Then YES. You need to tell her. Actually you should have told her at the time!!
No way she should be entering this relationship wo knowing (assuming she hasn't guessed even with you not telling her everything)

If you contact him and tell him that you'll disclose the extent of your affair to his dp if he doesn't put her fully in the picture, all you'll be doing is putting him on notice to concoct some elaborate tale wherein you are a total fantasist, obsessed with him, off your rocker, complete nutter etc, and he was having to constantly fend you off which, so his story will go, he was successfully and will trot out Clinton's line that he 'did not have sexual relations with that woman'.

As it would seem you denied the fact that you had a sexual relationship with this man for 9 months when his dp confronted you on the phone, imo you owe her the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so that she can make an informed decision about whether to marry a proven philanderer.

You won't come out of this smelling of roses, but at least you will have done the right thing and it's to be hoped that next time you'll avoid any man who isn't free to commit to you.

successful not successfully!

I definitely don't think that threatening him is the way to go.

I agree with Goddess . . .he will either say no - or he will fill her full of more rubbish and make himself out to be the victim.

if you think she should know all the information, then I think it should come from you.

How long ago did it end/did she call you?

Not sure if OP is still reading the thread? xx

Yes of course he will goddess. All the more reason to tell him; he's going to tie himself up in knots explaining and she is going to twig that he was being unfaithful.

she is going to twig that he was being unfaithful

You really think so, Bee? It never ceases to amaze me what some desperate souls women will believe about men they imagine themselves to be in love with, or that so many are willing to swallow lies whole becasue the truth is unpalatable to them.

I agree Goddess - ive seen it first hand. the worst case of this was when my friend turned up at my house in a right mess, in the middle of the night as her bloke had called her by mistake, whilst having sex with someone else. my friend listened to the whole thing. he denied it, she believed his complete and utter bullsh*t story, and that was that . .she stayed with him.

I think whatever OP decides - the woman will stay with him regardless.

She probably knew really that he had been having an affair, that it was more than just phone calls. However, if had continued to contact you after your affair had ended and to tell you he loved you (just to boost his ego by keeping you interested in him) or if for example, you had seen him on a reputable and serious dating site pretending to be single, then you would have a positive case for telling his partner. If not, then there's no point contacting her and you'll feel better for moving on.

Absolutely, goddess. My friend had been told by many that her long term partner was seeing other women. It took me telling her about his 2 kids, months younger than their son, by 2 sisters!!! to make her really listen.

I would definitely want to know before I got married/had children with somebody.

Bet it's mainly males who do not want you to tell,op, as they wd not want their gfs/dps/dws to hear from ow. I recognise some of them from other threads . Def mainly women who are telling you yes as they wd want to know. I wd want to know and i was informed about my ex ,not by ow but by a family who knew. The info enabled me to make the break i needed to make.She needs to know then she can make up her mind what to do.

I think you should tell her. She deserves to know what situation she's getting in to in the future.
I was cheated on, I wish someone had told me.

The OP hasn't said whether or not she knew this man was cohabiting.
If she did in fact know, I think it only right that she tells all future partners that she shagged someone she knew was in a live in relationship.
Seems only fair if she feels she needs to tell the fiancé what has really happened.

Tell her. No she will not like you for it and you will probably be called a liar. She will question your motives and you will most likely feel worse after it by finally seeing the hurt that you caused, but you have to tell her.
I never understand why anyone who knows of an affair doesn't tell. It saves a hell of a lot of heartache further down the line. It puts the decision onto the person who has been cheated on and not the cheater.

You are both guilty of cheating her OP.

What would those on here advocating the OP not to tell say to all the women on here who have been cheated on and wish they'd known.

Are the wrong in wishing they'd known ASAP? Do you think you know what's better for them better than they do themselves?

My friend married a bloke who was a serial cheater. He was having his end away with loads of women. She new.
Her reply was; " Well he always comes back to me!"
Bless you my sweet.

At least she knew to make that choice, rather than having people not even giving her the choice because they think they know best.